Adoration
by Dandy in the Aspic
Summary: Kaidan and Ashley both survive Virmire. Post-Destroy they move on with their lives. When someone threatens the life of Shepard, they must race against the clock to solve the mystery. James isn't going to let the two Spectres have all the fun to themselves. Adoration is a dangerous game. Kaidan/Femshep, James/Ashley. Team Milky Way friendship. COMPLETE with epilogue.
1. Chapter 1

Written for Virmire Survivor Appreciation Week.

An AU of an AU of a sorts. Features my regular Shepard and Kaidan (and their backstories) but is not canonical to Changeling events.

Ash and Kaidan both survive Virmire. Takes place approximately one year post Reaper War in the Destroy ending.

Will feature established Femshep/Kaidan and developing Ashley/James.

* * *

Shepard's still weak. She knows this. She feels it when she gets up in the morning, the way her muscles scream at her, how they cramp until she's in tears and Kaidan has to kneel at the bedside massaging and coaxing the muscles into cooperating with her.

"Bet you're sorry you married me now, right? Got some gimpy old lady for a wife," she mutters. She means it to be humorous, but it just comes out sounding bitter. A lot of things tend to do that these days.

The Crucible took things from her she'll never get back. She's slower than she used to be. Loud noises still set her heart racing, even almost a year later. She lost so much weight and muscle. Kaidan says to give herself time. Rebuilding doesn't happen overnight. But still… she wishes it did. Medical leave is driving her nuts.

Kaidan frowns, his fingers surely and firmly working the drum-tight calf muscle. "Hardly, Shep. You're getting better every day, and even if you weren't, you're not getting rid of me that easy."

Shepard dashes a pain-squeezed tear from the corner of her eye. "I know, I know. I just… I just worry this is all I'll ever be now. Some beat-up old soldier on permanent medical leave."

"First off: you're not old," he says gently, putting down her leg. She gives it an experimental flex. No pain. She lets out a long breath.

Kaidan gets up and sits on the bed with her, wrapping her into a hug, and presses a kiss to her hair.

"Secondly: this isn't permanent. The doctors say you're doing great. Better than anyone expected since they never even thought you'd walk again, let alone do what you've done."

Shepard reaches for one of his warm hands, and it twines around hers. "I-I'm worried."

"About what?"

"You know what. What if we can't-" she breaks off, the words sticking in her throat. "What if I can't do this? Physically. The doctor said there was a risk-"

"Then we'll face it. Together. I'm in this for the long haul. No matter what happens. You've just got to have a little faith, sweetheart. Try and stay positive." Kaidan tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear, and she gives him a weak smile.

"OK. Positive. I can do that. Somehow…" Shepard glances at the clock. "And you better get your ass movin', Spectre Alenko. Ash will kick it from one end of the Citadel to the other if you're late and she gets stuck making small talk with Bau again."

Kaidan's eyes widen. "Shit. Gotta run. Meet you for lunch at Apollo's?"

He dashes around their bedroom, collecting his armor. Shepard nearly laughs. He is rather whipped by Ash.

They're a formidable team in the field; even she's impressed with how her old subordinates work together. But outside of work… well Kaidan is careful not to piss her off.

Spectres have authority and freedom to work singularly, in groups, or form partnerships. Before Shepard had been badly injured she had been Kaidan's partner, working together during the war. Ash had often colluded with them on war-time cases, and after Shepard had been put off active duty, she had stepped up to the plate as Kaidan's Spectre partner.

The plan was that the three of them would work together again in a human Spectre triad when Shepard was better.

Shepard somehow thinks that dream is still some time away, despite Kaidan's determinedly optimistic outlook. They both carefully don't voice what the last doctor's appointment had told them. Hope was too hard, sometimes.

Shepard stands awkwardly, Kaidan half supporting her. "You betcha. But we're only eating at Apollo's if you order something besides steak. If I have to eat it one more time, I'm gonna hurl."

He affects a hurt expression. "You dirty rotten liar, Mrs. Alenko. You love steak."

Shepard laughs. "No. Not anymore. I'm so sick of it. You're gonna eat some greens, and you're gonna like it."

He throws her a mock salute, smirk on his lips, as he backs out of the door. "Fine, fine. Anything for you. Meet you at 1300 hours."

She hears him run down the stairs, taking them two at a time to make the Silversun transport to the embassies.

"Love you!" she calls.

A muffled "Love you, too!" echoes back to her before the front door hisses shut.

Shepard sighs and begins the arduous task of facing her old nemesis: the stairs. They have special railing installed, but she still has to watch for nasty falls. She adamantly refuses one of those VI helper mechs.

She can do this herself.

* * *

James hums to himself as he picks up some doughnuts at the little stand beside the casino. The raspberry ones are Lola's favorite, so he takes extra care to pick up more than he can eat alone.

Which ends up being more like fifty doughnuts. He shrugs to himself. Healthy appetites are good for the soul, and god knows Lola could do with a pick-me-up.

He and Kaidan had beers last night, and even James could tell he was worried about Shepard.

The Major had been uncharacteristically jittery, and drank his beer far quicker than usual. Even more surprisingly, in his inebriated state he hadn't even become his usual chatty self.

That sent red flags up in James' mind, so he had resolved last night to do a little recon on Lola this morning.

He knows he has to be quick about it, his shore leave is rapidly running out, and the _Normandy_ would be shipping off again for some peacekeeping tours with the turians.

_It just isn't the same without Lola in command_, he thinks as he makes his way to the apartment tower, the Ward's lights glittering around him. He looks forward to the day when she's finally the ship's captain again, more than he'd ever admit to her face. There's no _Normandy_ without Shepard, as Garrus is fond of saying.

He straightens his shirt a little over his broad chest as he presses the intercom for the Alenko apartment, and tucks the doughnuts more firmly under his arm.

"Hey, _chica_. It's your secret lover, coming for a visit," he calls into the comm.

It takes a little while but she eventually answers, sounding breathless. "That you, Jimmy Vega? Thought I said last time that you were a failure and a disappointment in bed, and I never wanted to see your ugly mug again."

James chuckles, mirroring the laugh in her voice. "Face it, sweetcheeks. You can't resist me. Besides, I brought you doughnuts. Open up, Lola."

"Doughnuts? Shit, why didn't you say so?"

The door buzzes and James enters the elevator, pressing the button for the Alenko's floor. She's already at the door waiting for him, dressed in an overlarge hoodie and a men's shirt. Her tracksuit pants hang a little limply, but he thinks she's finally regaining some of the fullness back in her cheeks again. James leans down and presses a chaste kiss to her cheek.

"Lookin' good. Got some color back," he says gently, their previous good-natured teasing still threading through. "That man of yours been showing you a good time?"

She grins. "You know it, Jimmy. And thanks. Bad day for cramps, but I'm feeling better this morning. Now, you promised me doughnuts, I believe?"

"I know, I know. Keep your shirt on," James says, moving into the kitchen. He notes a large vase of flowers on the bench.

"Wow, flowers? Kaidan really is a big sap."

Shepard frowns. "I know, right? He knows I don't like floral arrangements. I like wild flowers. I asked him about it and he swears he didn't send them. Probably some fan, or whatever." She shrugs, shooting the flowers a derisive look. "I was gonna throw them out, but they are rather pretty and the place could use something nice smelling."

James nods. He didn't think Kaidan was the grand gestures kind of man. And he knows Shepard wouldn't appreciate ostentatious displays of affection.

Shepard's cherry red cabinets greet him sunnily, the place messy but homely. Kaidan's dress blue jacket is hung over a chair, and Shepard has various biotic amps pulled apart and set on the counters. She never was idle if she could help it.

He turns to her as he sets the doughnuts on the counter. "Speaking of shirts coming off..."

Shepard barks a laugh, limping into the kitchen. "Yeah, yeah, Vega. All talk, no action. But I heard some interesting rumors lately."

"Oh?" James raises his eyebrows. Shepard's dangerous when she has a scent.

"Oh yes. See, I had my best friend over for dinner last week."

James' heart begins to pound. _Please don't know, please don't know._

He shoves a doughnut into his mouth for lack of anything better to do and chews thickly.

Shepard arches one dark eyebrow. "She told me that the dating scene had been a little dry lately. Mostly because she had an old fling stuck in her head. She was very vague, you see, so little old me got curious." She grins, biting her lip playfully. "You know me, James. I worry about my friends."

"Shit," he mumbles, spitting crumbs onto Shepard's marble bench top.

Shepard laughs. "Yes. I did a little digging." She turns and smacks him on the arm, _hard_. "Why did you never tell me you and Ash hooked up on _my Normandy_, you little shit!? I thought I was the only one fraternizing!"

James scoffs, knowing the jig is up. "_Puh-lease_, Lola. It was war! We thought we were gonna die. Things got a bit… heated. A couple of times."

"A couple!" Shepard makes an overly dramatic wave of her arms, slumping into her favorite kitchen stool near the island bench top. "Argh. My two best friends hook up and I don't know about it…" She suddenly perks up, frowning suspiciously. "Wait. Does Kaidan know? I'll kill that rat bastard if he's been holding out on me," she growls, but James can see her eyes twinkling with amusement.

"No, it's not like that, Lola," he says, sinking into the seat opposite her. Truthfully, he's a little relieved to finally come clean about it. "Ash is great. She is. But it was just a… a fling. It didn't mean anything."

Shepard does a weird eyebrow waggle that reminds him suspiciously of Kaidan. "If it didn't mean anything, why do you do all in your power to avoid her when we get together? Why do you get all interested when Kaidan starts talking Spectre business? We both know it usually sends you to sleep unless it involves one very pretty Lieutenant Commander Williams."

James sighs. "I-I don't know, Lola. It's confusing. Things were a mess back then. Kaidan was beside himself with you in the hospital. He was hurt too. Earth was shattered, and everything was just rebuilding. Seemed like a shitty time to worry about what we were, and I guess we just drifted apart again. It's fine. Not like I'm in love with her or anything. Just leave it, OK?"

His voice comes out sharper than intended and Shepard immediately backs off.

"Sure, Jimmy. I was only teasing."

"I know." He smiles to show her he wasn't offended, and she smiles tentatively back. "Things are just weird, you know?"

"Hell, yes. Fraternizing is a bitch sometimes, man. Glad I finally went all legit and respectable old married lady, even though I wanna kill people when they call me Mrs. Alenko. Sounds like his damn mother. Do I look like his mother to you? No."

James wisely keeps his mouth shut.

There's a long pause as James gets up to make coffee, and Shepard stuffs her face with doughnuts. He never realized somebody could make that very action seem grumpy, but somehow Shepard manages.

"I'm not allowed coffee," she mumbles. "Don't make me any or I'll kill someone from pure lust and longing. I miss coffee."

"Oops, too late. I already poured you a cup," James says, bringing her a steaming mug.

Shepard inhales deeply. "Oh you little bitch, Jimmy. Why do you torture me so?"

She picks up the mug and takes a sip, an expression of pure pleasure coming over her face.

"OK, just one cup. And if you tell Kaidan, I'll biotically rip off your balls and nail them to the wall."

"Jesus, Lola. OK. I'm sworn to secrecy. No telling Kaidan. What's with him? Why aren't you allowed coffee?"

She pauses, fiddling with a thread on her hoodie. "Bad for rehab shit. Don't worry about it. Kaidan's just super fussy, and I'll never hear the end of it."

There's another comfortable lull in conversation, and James just takes a moment to relax, watching the lights out the window, and the fireplace dance with color. He never gets tired of Kaidan and Shepard's home. It's really like his home, too. They always keep a room made up for him; give him _carte blanche_ to treat it like his own. Some days he can't get over how lucky he is to have them for friends.

Shepard is the one to break the silence, her voice small. "H-how's…how's Joker?"

"He's alright." James shrugs. "He's back with the _Normandy_ now at the docks if you wanna go say hi. I'll go with you, if you want."

She looks away, back to her mug. "No, I'm good. I was just wondering."

"Have you spoken yet?"

"Yeah. He called the house a few weeks ago."

"That's good."

"He was drunk."

"That's bad."

"He said some… some not nice things," Shepard says, and he can hear the distress in her voice.

"He still… he still blames me. He spoke about EDI. I think he was crying. I started crying too, and Kaidan noticed." She looks up at him, rolling her eyes a little. "You know what they're like. They got into it. Kaidan told him not to bother calling again if he was just gonna upset me, and Joker said something about being a murderer, and by that point I kinda… yeah, I kinda had to go lie down. Don't bring it up in front of Kaidan, he's still furious. But I get it. Joker's angry. If Joker was the reason Kaidan was dead, I would call him all those names too."

"Hey!" he says, suddenly angry. He gets up, and wraps one arm around her small shoulders. "You listen here. _You are not the reason EDI is dead_. The Reapers are. You did your best, and you saved the galaxy."

"Still killed a friend, and all the geth." Her eyes swim with tears, and James wonders how Kaidan can ever stand to have her cry. It feels like his own heart is tearing in half.

"But you did it to save everyone. What else could you have done? That kid… that thing was loco. Shepard, you didn't even think you'd live, did you?"

"No," she says quietly. "Some days I wish I hadn't. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I do."

He gives her a gentle shake. "Don't you ever say that to me again, alright? We love you. Your husband loves you. Ashley loves you. Joker loves you. He's just hurting. I thank god every day that you pulled through, because I don't know what I would have done without you."

His eyes aren't exactly dry either, in that moment.

Shepard gives a wet, embarrassed laugh and shoves him away playfully.

"Thanks, and sorry. I'm just a bit emotional lately," she says rubbing her eyes. James thinks she looks exhausted.

"Lately? Lola, I've watched you demolish a Cerberus platoon with the power of your mind just because it pissed you off. You're nothing but a firecracker of emotions."

"Shut up, beef for brains."

"Love you, too, Lola."

James moves to grab her another raspberry doughnut and in that moment the window shatters inwards, shards of glass raining across the apartment.

Figures dressed in black burst in, spraying gunfire, and Shepard gives a muffled little yell as she's hit. Blood sprays across her cherry red cabinets.

James hits the deck.


	2. Chapter 2

James crawls on his belly to the prone Shepard. The tiles are cold beneath him, and already spotted with blood. He thinks the homeliness has been ruined, and curses under his breath.

Shepard's clutching her arm as it gushes blood, seemingly stunned. A pool of the crimson liquid is rapidly forming around her on the floor.

Her face is milk white, and pain-pinched. He hopes she's not going into shock.

James grabs her around the middle, and drags her behind the kitchen bench, out of more gunfire. They leave a red trail on the tiles. James' heart pounds, not for himself, because he's used to being shot at, but for Shepard. She doesn't look good, her pupils blown wide and frightened.

She hasn't been in a fight since the Reapers took Earth, and that fateful beam run took her to ends of endurance.

"Shepard! The objective is Shepard!" one of the aggressors yells. "Fan out. Find her!"

"She's not alone!" another calls back. "You said this was an easy job. The Spectre was supposed to be at work!"

"He is! It's only one her flunkies and she's a cripple. Now shut the fuck up. Shoot her in the leg if she resists. Kill the spare."

"Ok, OK, OK," James mutters. "Weapons, Lola? You amped?"

She shakes her head. "Weapons are upstairs in the locker. I'm amped, but not to military grade. No Singularities."

"Why the hell not?" he demands as he tears a strip from his shirt to make a makeshift bandage for her.

Shepard makes a pained face as he wraps it around her arm. "Puts too much stress on my body, amping too high."

"You capable of kicking ass?"

Her eyes blaze. "Fuck, yes. They broke my windows, Jimmy," she whispers furiously. "_My _windows. This is my _home_."

Her arm bandaged, she doesn't even give James a minute to formulate a plan. One of the men passes the bench, not realizing they're hiding on the other side. She springs up, and with strength he didn't think she was capable of anymore, grabs him around the neck, throws him to the ground, and raises a biotic-bloomed fist to drive it into his skull.

The sound echoes sickeningly, and all hell breaks loose.

"There she is! There's Shepard!"

"Right, Jimmy," she barks, standing. "I have your orders. Surprise N7 training objective, let's go."

James sees Commander-Fucking-Shepard for the first time in a year.

She's bold, and her back straight in a way it wasn't when she answered the door to him. She fists her palms, two glowing spheres of dark energy forming there. A barrier washes over James' skin, tickling like a small electric current has suddenly passed through him.

"Stick by me," she says. "You're the muscle. Snap some necks, and I'll keep you from getting shot. Zaeed and Garrus installed a panic button in the den, we need to get there."

She's shaking like a leaf, and James knows she won't last long holding a barrier in her state. "Alright, Lola," he says, standing as a bullet pings off her barrier, right over his heart. "Let's go."

One of the intruders runs for her, realizing guns are useless if she's still holding those biotic spheres. James knows he's going to tackle her, Shepard helpless to stop it, and throws himself in the way.

He's not good at much. He doesn't have fancy brain powers like Lola, instincts and weapon mastery like Ash, or the tech geek of Kaidan. But his body is a weapon, just as deadly as their best fancy tricks.

James grasps the intruder's arm and breaks it in two places, wrenching his gun from him. The man collapses, howling. James slams a mighty fist into his nose, feeling it crunch. Lola takes the opportunity to thrust out her hand, and a blue light careens into the intruder, sending him flying out the shattered window.

"You came to the wrong house, motherfucker!" she calls after him.

James gives a raw yell, and charges ahead, taking out two more men with a quick neck snap and a bullet to the head. _Just like a dance_, he thinks as he dodges more blows from backup that just keeps coming. _One I can't afford to fuck up._

They make it to the nearby office den, Lola flagging. James slams the two doors shut, and uses his omni-tool to fuse the lock mechanism. It should hold them, at least for a little while. Lola slaps a button by her terminal.

"There, that should send an alert to C-SEC." Her face pales further, and James starts forward in alarm. "I'm...I'm just gonna..."

Before he can reach her, she falls on her ass to the floor, her biotics winking out. She gulps for air.

"I'm not gonna pass out, I'm not gonna pass out," she chants to herself. Her eyes roll back in her head, and she sways.

"Easy, easy," he soothes and lies her down in the recovery position. Blood is trickling down her arm again and he presses his hands over it despite her pained gasp. "Come on; don't go fainting like a big baby."

"Not fainting. Passing out. Manly as hell."

A boom rocks the door, and cracks arc around the surrounding wall.

"Shit," she mumbles, eyelids blinking heavily. "They brought explosives. They wanna kill me bad. How long do you think that'll hold?"

"Let's hope it's long enough," he says, smoothing her hair. He tries to smile for her, but it just comes out looking twisted.

Another boom rocks the foundations.

* * *

Ash sighs as Jondum Bau prattles on about his latest adventures investigating a drug ring on Omega.

"... And then Williams, and then I said to him, 'Well, you, sir, may have twenty angry mercs, but I've already pulled the pin on this grenade and you have two seconds to run before I blow us all sky high.' Should have seen the look on his face, Williams. I had him. Never suspected me for a moment. Council is discussing giving me a another medal, actually. Perhaps you've heard?"

Ash hoists a polite smile on her face the way Kaidan keeps telling her to. _Play nice with the other Spectres. Even Bau._

"No, I hadn't, actually. Alenko and I have been busy lately. Working on some arrests, you know how it is."

His face falls, and then the salarian forges on, "Oh, of course, of course. Your arrest rate is impressive. Listen, I was wondering, perhaps you'd like to have a little competition at the firing range some time, just us two-"

"Sorry I'm late!" Kaidan calls, jogging across the atrium. "Shepard had a bad morning."

"Yes!" Ash seizes onto his arm. "You're very, very late, Alenko. Bau was just telling me about his latest exploits. You know how I love that," she grits out through clenched teeth, digging her nails into the fabric of his casual uniform.

Kaidan gives a smug little smile that makes her want to punch him in the nose. "Sorry, Chief. Wife comes first. I'm sure Bau kept you _very _occupied in my absence. How nice of him."

"Thank you, Alenko," the salarian titters. "I pride myself on witty repartee."

Ash elbows Kaidan in the side. "Anyway, Bau, we'll see you later. Duty calls."

She starts dragging Kaidan away towards their pokey little human Spectre office. She can feel by the shake of his shoulders that he's laughing at her. "Got lots of important things to do. Raincheck on the firing range?"

"Of course, Spectre Williams," Bau calls back, his eyes overlarge and his smile wide. "I shall look forward to it. Nice to see you as ever, Spectre Alenko."

Kaidan waves jovially and Ash shoots him a withering glare.

She shoves him into their office and slams the door. "You giant dick. You know Bau loves talking too much. I was there for thirty minutes!"

Kaidan chuckles, and begins to power up his terminal. Ash can't help glancing at the third unoccupied desk gathering dust.

"I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be late."

Ash frowns. "Shepard OK?"

Kaidan shrugs and she can tell he's worried. "Yeah, yeah. Fine. I wouldn't have come in if she wasn't. Just... she didn't sleep much last night. Tossed and turned. I think her nightmares are back, but she didn't say anything. Kept talking about a boy in her sleep. Woke up sore."

"Anything I can do?"

"No. You know how it is, she just needs time."

"Maybe I can bring some wine, chocolates and bad vids over tonight? Lift her spirits a little. Think she'd like that?"

Kaidan smiles. "That sounds great. I think she's sick of me. No wine, though, OK?"

"But she loves the wine. Just because it gives you a migraine doesn't mean we can't enjoy it without you," Ash says, moving to her desk and shuffling some files.

"Meds don't agree with her lately, that's all."

"Fine, fine. Lots of chocolate and romantic vids it is."

"Shepard's gonna kill you if you just bring romance vids."

Ash laughs, strapping one of her sidearms to her thigh, and pulls her assault rifle from her locker. "No, she won't. She totally got into '_Fleet and Flotilla: the Wedding_' last time we watched it."

"That vid is terrible. It got like zero stars from the critics."

"Don't be such a stick in the mud. I'll tell Tali you said that."

"No, don't. Please. I'll do anything."

Ash grins. "She might even sing the theme song for you." Kaidan makes a pained groan as Ash laughs her ass off. "Shepard will love my vid choices."

"Your funeral, Chief. I'll hide down at the bar or something, waiting for the vid to be thrown out the window," Kaidan responds, pulling on his armor. He quickly pages through his omni-tool, readying combat algorithms. "Alright, we have that perp in room three, don't we? Think he cooled off overnight?"

"Yeah, I'd say so. He might be more willing to talk. Anyway, usual deal, I reckon. You're good cop, I'm bad cop, and we'll have him squealing like a pig on his drug buddies in no time."

"Why am I always good cop? Why can't I play bad cop?"

"Because you're a good cop."

"What? No, I'm not. I'm a Major and a Spectre. I don't see 'cop' anywhere on my uniform."

"Puh-lease. You've got this little halo shining around your head that says, 'I'm a good guy, please trust me. Let me kiss babies, and pet puppies and be oh-so handsome and wholesome.'"

"Shut up. I do not."

They leave the office, locking it behind them. She strolls side-by-side with him to the holding cells, right at the back of the Spectre offices.

Ash affects a sing-song voice, mimicking an ancient vid she once saw. "Look at me, I'm Kaidan Alenko, lousy with integrity! Won't go to bed until I'm legally wed. I can't; I'm Spectre Alenko."

"OK, now you're just making stuff up. And that doesn't even rhyme. And I don't sound like that."

She bursts out laughing at the offended expression on his face. "Aw, I'm just messin' with ya, LT. I know you and the Skipper boned before you got married, don't worry. I _know _you broke like three billion frat regs doing so. I wouldn't take that achievement away from you."

He nods, self-satisfied. "Damn right. It wasn't three billion, though. Depends if you're counting the infraction as a whole or individual incidents. In which case, yeah I don't know. A lot."

"Ew, I don't wanna know!"

"Besides, we're totally legal these days. Hackett even sent a card to the wedding. Shepard swears he signed it with his angry pen, though. Whatever that means."

"You sneaky bastards. I get the whole SR-2 thing. It was a war. Hey, I'm not so innocent-" she cuts herself off, wishing she could snatch back the words.

Kaidan arches an eyebrow. "What?

"_What?"_ she fires back innocently. "All I'm saying is you guys hid it really well on the SR-1 but if I had caught you I would have kicked your asses _so_ hard."

"No, wait, go back to the fraternizing thing."

"I don't know what you're talking about. You're the expert on that."

"No, but you said you weren't innocent, what did you mean?"

They draw close to the holding area. Kaidan nods to Dustan the cell duty officer, and Ash gives him a small smile.

"Hi, Dustan," Kaidan says, "How's the wife and kids?"

The cell guard begins streaming the cell data to Kaidan's omni-tool, providing the codes for the two Spectres to move in and out of the holding area with impunity. With wrong codes the VI mechs activate security protocols and trigger a lockdown. Ash fills out the datapad Dustan thrusts at her, his gaze completely fixed on Kaidan. Ash sighs, beginning to fill in the Spectre authorization templates. Stupid bureaucracy. She accepted the Spectre position to kick ass, not sign forms all damn day.

"Good, sir. Good. How's Commander Shepard? I heard around the water cooler she was doing better." Dustan smiles hopefully. "Might even come back to work soon? I've sure missed her around here. Never missed a beat that woman."

"Not yet, Dustan. She's just taking it one day at a time, you know."

"Oh." His face falls and then brightens. "I saw that interview on the extranet the other day. She was looking well. My, but her hair sure has gotten longer."

Kaidan blinks and Ash raises an eyebrow. "Uh, yeah. Hair grows," she growls. She gets sick and tired of the public prying into Shepard's personal life. Kaidan's too polite for his own good.

The guard's cheeks turn a faint pink. "I-I know, sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. Just I saw she had it all cut off after those horrible burns. It's nice to see her face all fixed up and her pretty hair back."

"Thanks, Dustan. I'll tell her you asked after her," Kaidan says, and Ash rolls her eyes, moving towards the cell.

"Oh, look at that. Work is calling us. See ya, Dustan. Game face, Spectre Alenko."

Just before they reach the cell room doors, he pauses.

"Hey, I heard that before in your little song," he says, frowning furiously at her from beneath his dark brows. "I'm not 'lousy with integrity'."

"You _so_ are. I wanna strangle you with it sometimes. So that's why you're good cop, got it?"

He huffs. "You couldn't play good cop, anyway."

They wipe the smiles from their expressions as they cross the threshold, every inch consummate professionals.

* * *

"You better tell her, Zazzy," Kaidan says, a fearful note in his voice. "I've never seen her like this, man. Last time I saw her so angry she shot someone. You might get something worse. She has frag grenades. And incendiary ammo. And fancy weapon mods I haven't even heard of."

The vorcha in the interrogation chair watches as Ash paces around the room, her stance wide and purposely aggressive.

"No talk!" Zazzy hisses. "We leave now! You have nothing. No lie, Spectres!"

"Talk, Zazzy! My buddy here, he's a nice guy. He'll go easy on you." Ash thumps the table with her fist and the vorcha jumps. "But _I _won't if you don't start talking! Who's your supplier? Who gives you the stuff to peddle? Where's the Red Sand coming from? A lot of kids have died on that stuff lately."

"Ragh, no talk! Where evidence?!"

Kaidan pulls her aside. "This isn't working," he mutters. "We're running out of time."

"Any ideas?"

He nods. "I'm gonna try something different. Just go with me here."

Ash watches Kaidan pull up his omni-tool and begin flicking through it. He turns back to Zazzy.

"Geruae Poraea, only fifty years old," he says simply. "You know that's barely a child in vorcha years, don't you? Her mothers are devastated. Dead of an overdose. Garuq Hok'Shak, fourteen years old. Dead, another overdose. He was a street urchin. No one came to collect his body. He was going to be spaced before I made sure he got a proper burial. My wife and I were the only ones at the funeral. Could you imagine that? It says here you have twelve children, Zazzy, and three ex-wives. I bet you'd get someone at your funeral."

Ash blinks, taken aback by the venom in Kaidan's tone. He's not acting anymore. She didn't know he was the one who had paid for Hok'Shak's funeral.

"No point! Stop talking, human!"

"Sally Jonas, three years old, hit by a skyrcar driven by a turian high on Red Sand. Dead. I had to hold her mother as she sobbed in my arms. She was just a baby. Just a little toddler. They had to scrape her off the side of a building. Her mother saw it all. What if that had been one of your children? You have a couple of asari babies, right? Your little girls are supposed to live a very, very long time. You're supposed to die first. You don't want the pain of burying a kid."

The vorcha says nothing, his eyes darting around the room. He licks his lips as Kaidan's gaze bores into him.

"You're killing kids by peddling that stuff. My wife grew up on the streets, you know. Surrounded by drugs and violence. I hate people like you, Zazzy," he snarls. "Making profit off their suffering. That could have been her, dead in a back alley at fifteen." He leans in, right close up to the vorcha's face, his voice barely an angry whisper. "That could have been your kid taken out by a skycar. It's time to make it right, Zazzy. Tell me who your supplier is."

There's a long pause and then the vorcha breaks. "Silas Baxius. Turian. Big man! He kill me! No likes rolling on him."

Kaidan stands, quickly keying his omni-tool for an arrest warrant. Ash does the same on hers. If C-SEC doesn't pick Silas up within the day, then Kaidan and Ash will hunt him down _personally._

"We'll protect you, Zazzy," Kaidan says. "You gave us information that could lead to an arrest. I'll put in a good word with the judge. But, I'd better not catch you peddling drugs again, or next time I won't be so forgiving."

* * *

Kaidan's quiet when they're back in the human Spectre office. Ash watches him tinker at his desk, working on some reports.

"Kaidan, you alright?"

"Huh?" He looks around, blinking owlishly as if he had been lost in thought. "Me? I'm fine."

"You got pretty heavy back there."

He shrugs uncomfortably. "Hit a bit too close to home. I saw the crime scene first hand after the skycar incident. The mother, she just kept wailing and shrieking. I couldn't do anything. And then I saw the body."

He turns his gaze to the wall, so Ash gets up and puts a hand on his shoulder, giving him a squeeze.

"Those things stay with you," he rasps.

"I know. It's like the war. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you that day."

"It's OK." He turns his face back to hers and smiles crookedly. "I'm pretty sure I went home and cried in Shepard's arms for about two hours and pulled it together."

She perches on his desk, sighing. "It never ends, does it? I used to think that if I made it through the war alive that things would somehow be perfect. That I'd have it all figured out. I'd do my duty as an Alliance Officer and as a Spectre. The pieces would all fall into place. There wouldn't be suffering, or hardship. God had a plan for me. I'd pass my trials and then I would be happy. It's funny the things we dream about at night, lying in our bunks and whispering to the darkness. When we think we're gonna die. Grass is always greener, huh?"

"It's good and it's bad, Chief. Nothing's ever perfect, but sometimes you can get pretty damn close."

His eyes drift and she follows his gaze. A picture of Shepard stands out prominently on his desk. She's smiling widely, all crooked teeth and dark hair curling around her face. There's a flower tucked by her ear, no doubt threaded in there by Kaidan. He probably badgered her into taking a photo with his puppy dog eyes, because Ash knows there's no way she would pose voluntarily. Her smile seems frozen in a laugh at the man behind the camera.

Ash can still see faint burn scars creeping up her neck. They're gone now, but the picture stands as a stark reminder of how far she's come. How far they all have.

Ash clears her throat, emotion making it tight. _Nope, not allowed at work. Williams women don't cry like big babies over their friends._

"Listen to you, you old sap!" She punches him on the shoulder, grinning, and shaking off her melancholy. "Going soft in your old age. You be careful. She'll throw you over for a younger model if you get too wishy-washy on her. That James Vega is always sniffing 'round."

"Pfft, Jimmy's a pussycat. Besides, I have it on reliable authority he's sweet on someone else. Care to share?"

"Nope. Don't try and cover the fact that Shep is gonna throw your old ass over for someone who can sate her animalistic needs."

Kaidan groans. "Why do I let you two get together again? Every time I get teased for weeks."

"Don't you bring up James Vega with me, then, and I'll stop casting aspersions on your manhood."

"Deal." He makes a shooing motion. "Now get back to your desk, and do some work."

Ash giggles. "Aye, aye, sir."

* * *

The comm breaks their silence an hour later. Kaidan presses the button on his earpiece. "Alenko, here."

Ash glances up, not really paying attention, and is alarmed when he suddenly stands, knocking half his paperwork to the ground.

"What?! When was the alarm tripped? Tell me!" He's already moving out the door, and Ash jogs after him as he starts sprinting for the transport. "What's C-SEC's response time? I'm heading there now."

"Kaidan! What's wrong?" Ash yells as he knocks over an asari in his haste, not even bothering to apologize.

"That was the security firm that handles the apartment's panic button," he says breathlessly, climbing into a skycar. "It was tripped. There are reports of gunfire at Tiberius Towers. Shepard's in danger."

Ash jumps into the skycar's passenger seat. "I'm comin' with. No one messes with Skipper on my watch."

She tries to ignore how Kaidan's hands shake on the controls. Ash palms her sidearm.

Grass is always greener, alright. What good was winning a war if you aren't safe in your own home? Where's the victory in being hurt and vulnerable and the galaxy just throwing more at you at every turn? Didn't Shepard deserve some rest? A home, and some comfort?

Ash glares out the window. She'll make sure she gets her peacetime. With guns. Lots of guns.


	3. Chapter 3

As the skycar pulls up to the apartment towers it's immediately apparent to Ash that C-SEC hasn't arrived yet. Worried residents have spilled onto the streets, rightly fearing that by staying in their apartments they could be caught in the crossfire.

"Jenny," Kaidan calls, rushing to a middle-aged woman standing in her dressing gown. Ash notes she's puffing like a volus on a cigarette. She recognizes her as Kaidan and Shepard's closest neighbor, who lives on the floor below with her teenage son. Ash wouldn't suspect by looking at her, but Kaidan had told her before that Jenny is filthy rich. In fact, to Shepard's consternation, it seems everyone who lives in Tiberius Towers are well off. Ash doesn't know why she finds it so surprising. You don't get to live in apartments like that without serious money. She supposes since Shepard inherited the apartment from Anderson rather than buying it herself, she might've overlooked that fact. Then again, Ash knows Shepard's been poor for most her life. It must take a bit of adjustment to get used to the fact you now live in a luxury apartment surrounded by the Citadel's more well-to-do residents.

Ash had to laugh, though, when Shepard realized that the Alenkos had quite a bit of money themselves. She'd only really noticed after the war when Kaidan had taken her to the orchard and seen their house. She'd rung Ash up in a panic, blathering that she couldn't do it; she didn't know how to act fancy.

Ash had calmly told her that Kaidan hadn't changed, and just because Shepard didn't know the difference between a 2150 white and a 2187 red didn't mean that their relationship had changed. Shepard had considerably calmed then, and had actually helped Kaidan's mother through a lot of her grief after the death of Kaidan's father, Casimir, in the war.

"Kaidan, dear," Jenny cries, distracting Ash from her thoughts. Jenny is clearly distressed, wringing her hands over and over. "Thank god you're here. Shepard's still up there. A couple of us tried to open her door but men with guns told us to get out or they'd shoot us. We called C-SEC right away, but it was only about ten minutes ago. They're not here, yet. Our tax creds at work, right?" she scoffs. "I'm sorry, I would have carried her down myself, but we couldn't get to her."

"No, it's OK," Kaidan says. "You would have been shot. Shepard wouldn't want you to put yourself in danger. I'm going up. I want you to get everyone back, we don't need anyone put in danger by stray gunfire. Just wait for C-SEC."

Kaidan doesn't wait for a reply, but sprints towards the building, and in the same movement, draws his pistol. His omni-tool flares to life around his arm. The residents shift uneasily, muttering.

One resident attempts to calm his wife who looks to be in hysterics over her cat left upstairs. "There, there, Vrona. Mr. Alenko is here now. He's a Spectre. He'll save Mr. Mittens."

Ash rolls her eyes. Damn self-absorbed idiots. Unable to resist as she runs by, she snarls at them, "Yeah, I'm sure we'll prioritize your damn cat over his wife. Careful, your vanity is showing."

Just before Kaidan pulls open the front doors, Jenny calls, "Oh, Kaidan! Mr. Jimmy's there, too! I saw him go in, about twenty minutes before the shooting started."

Ash looks to Kaidan. "James is up there, too? I didn't know the _Normandy _was back."

For some reason, that news sets her heart pounding harder. James wouldn't have been armed on shore leave.

Kaidan's skin looks pale and clammy under the fluorescent lighting. "Yeah. Thank god he is. He might've saved her life. Come on."

* * *

Ash and Kaidan move stealthily to either side of the Alenko's front door.

"On my mark, we breach," Kaidan whispers. He raises a fist, counting down with his fingers. Three, two, one…

"Breach!"

He throws the door open, and shoots the slack-jawed man standing inside straight between the eyes. Blood sprays across the marble floors.

"Shit, they have backup! It's the Spectre!" screams an intruder. Ash shoots him before he can say another word.

Ash is kind of wishing right then that Zaeed and Garrus _had_ booby trapped the place like they kept threatening to do.

Kaidan forgets caution and runs further into the apartment. "Shepard. Shepard?!"

There's desperation in his voice, and even though she sympathizes, Ash can't have him completely forgetting protocol.

"Alenko!" Ash whispers furiously. "Don't! Her position might be compromised."

Kaidan raises his omni-tool and fries one of the intruder's guns before he can fire. More rush in from where they were apparently ransacking the back of the house. Ash sprays assault rifle fire, wincing as she accidentally shatters the decorative glass wall.

_Oops._ She'll make it up to them.

With a wave of his hand, Kaidan then throws the man with the ruined gun head first out of the shattered windows. He doesn't seem to hear her.

"Over here!" he calls, jogging past two dead men. Ash can see James' handiwork there. "In the den!"

In front of it is a man in black armor, rigging explosives, presumably to blast past the locked door. Kaidan gives a furious growl, and throws him so hard into the water feature wall with his biotics that dents form around the metal as the body impacts. He falls to the ground, unmistakably dead, every bone in his body rearranged. Ash's jaw drops. Kaidan rarely kills like that with his biotics, with such anger. When he does, it's usually cold and rational. There's nothing rational about the fury on his face, the shake in his shoulders. A simple bullet would have done the job.

"Williams, clear the house. Make sure it's clear upstairs," Kaidan barks. "I'm extracting them, and getting them outta here. Shoot to kill, but if you can disarm and interrogate any of them, do so."

Ash nods, knowing that there's no arguing with him. He frantically waves his omni-tool, trying to undo whatever James and Shepard did to the door to lock it so tightly.

Ash pads up the stairs, her footsteps muffled. She glances at Shepard's safety railing as she does so, and shakes her head. A goddamn injured woman and they dare to attack her in her own home. It's sick.

In the master bedroom the wardrobes have been ransacked. Kaidan's shirts are thrown across the room. Their closet with the armor locker is thrown open and smashed. The tiny intricately carved wooden box that holds Shepard's meager amount of jewelry is empty. Shepard had shown Ash once, ridiculously proud of it. Inside had been a ring that had belonged to Kaidan's mother. It had been too big for Shepard, and she was going to have it resized. Kaidan wore Casimir Alenko's matching one. It had been a wedding gift from Ami Alenko. Ash's face falls. Shepard's going to be devastated if any of the thieves had already escaped with her ring. It had been an Alenko heirloom, passed from daughter to daughter. Ash notes diamond earrings that had been a gift from Kasumi were also missing. The master thief was going to be _pissed_. She had been proud of actually buying them fair and square, only to have it stolen.

She hopes to god that Shepard had been wearing her wedding ring and hadn't had it stolen, too.

Toiletries are strewn across the floor, spilling out of the en suite. Shepard's special flower shampoo is leaking onto the marble and seeping onto a wooly throw rug that's been ripped off the bed.

To Ash's horror, another man in black fumbles through Shepard's underwear drawer, stuffing the lacy ones into his pockets.

"Hey!" Ash yells. "Guess again, sicko!"

He turns, startled, and she punches him in the face. He goes down heavily, and Ash pulls the omni-cuffs from her belt, cuffing him on the floor. "You sonabitch. You're lucky I don't shoot you in the balls."

Just for good luck, she kicks him there anyway, and is satisfied to hear him howl. For extra insurance, she drags him into the bathroom, and attaches his cuffs to the towel railing. Might not hold him for long, but would prevent any sneaky getaways without a hell of a lot of noise. Quickly glancing around, she gives him another swift kick and then moves on.

Ash quickly clears the rest of upstairs, finding similar ruin in each room, her fury building. This was their _home._ In fact, it was more like the whole _Normandy _crew's home away from home. Everyone knew that Shepard and Kaidan's place was always available to crash at, and even the neighbors were used to two ton krogan coming and going. Ash herself had lost count of the number of times she'd woken up in the bedroom she thought of as _hers_.

Rushing downstairs, she notes that the house seems deserted now, most of the intruders dead or escaped out the window the way they came. Ash thinks perhaps they had pickup in skycars waiting for a quick escape. With Kaidan guarding the den door like a protective bear, they had to know there was no way they would achieve their objective of getting through to Shepard. Two Spectres more than evened the odds against whoever was attacking.

Ash makes it back down to Kaidan just in time to see him unlock the door. She stands guard with her assault rifle, just in case anyone comes back, determined to make sure no one gets past her.

She glances in as the door slides back into the walls.

Shepard is lying in a curled ball on the ground, her head in James lap. James for his part is pointing a gun at them, half crouched over Shepard as if to shield her with his body. As soon as he sees it's only Kaidan and Ash, he lowers his gun, muttering curse words in Spanish.

Kaidan runs to her side. "Shepard."

She stirs, her eyes fluttering open.

Ash sees a sizable pool of blood beneath her and swears. "Shit! I'm calling an ambulance." She taps away at her 'tool, using Spectre authorization to fast-track medical attention.

Kaidan is on his knees beside her. Ash can barely hear Shepard whisper, "Hey, you. Gonna have to take a rain check on that lunch. Totally didn't faint though. I'm still hardcore."

Kaidan gives a weak laugh, smoothing her hair off her bone-white face. "That's OK. We can do lunch another time."

Ash almost looks away, illogically embarrassed, when Shepard reaches a shaky hand up and reverently traces his face. "You've got a little black raincloud sitting over your head. Tell it to go away. I'm fine."

She leaves blood behind on Kaidan's skin. He laughs shakily, and grabs her hand, pressing kisses to it. "If you're fine, then I'm fine." He turns to Ash. "Ash, you got any medi-gel?"

Ash starts and then dashes forwards, cursing herself for being shitty at first-aid.

"Hey, Ashy," Shepard mutters, slurring her words. "Glad you could make the party. It got pretty wild."

"Hey, Skipper," Ash says as she spreads medi-gel onto the deep wound near Shepard's bicep. "Heard you're a trouble magnet. Thought I'd come bail you out."

"Not my fault. They smashed my windows. Not fair."

Her arm somewhat patched up, and the bleeding at least slowed, Kaidan stands and gathers her into his arms. "I'm taking her downstairs to wait for the ambulance. It's not safe here. Those guys could come back. James, you OK?" he says, adjusting Shepard in his arms so her head rests against her chest. Her eyes are shut again, to Ash's concern. She's so pale, and the blood in the kitchen and den so plenty, that she fears for the amount of blood she's lost.

James nods, breathing harshly. "Yeah, man. I-I tried to…" He trails off, looking agonized.

Kaidan nods as he passes. "Thank you. You saved her life."

James doesn't look convinced so as Kaidan leaves the room with Shepard, Ash turns to him.

"Hey, Big Guy. Impressive show. I saw all the dead dudes outside. Nice work. You were mostly unarmed?"

He breathes a little easier, but looks sickened when he looks down and notices all of Shepard's blood on his Alliance shirt. "Yeah, yeah. Hey, Ash. Yeah. They just burst in. We were eating doughnuts. Laughing, you know? Shepard was smiling. One of those real ones."

Ash frowns and despite her misgivings, reaches forward and pulls him into a bone crushing hug.

"I know," she says.

His arms tentatively reach around her back and she breathes deeply, inhaling that unique scent of James Vega, all sweat, engine grease, and spicy aftershave. She misses it.

He pulls back eventually, clearing his throat. Ash blushes and takes a step back from him. How embarrassing.

"Been a long time, eh?" he mumbles. "Haven't seen you since the wedding. Been what? Four months?"

Ash pats her bun, flustered. "Yeah. Um, I didn't mean to run out on you. You know… the morning after. Things were just weird, and I wanted to see Skipper and Kaidan off on their honeymoon and stuff. I meant to call…"

"But you didn't."

Ash fiddles with her rifle and begins moving out of the den. She has a perp to uncuff in the bathroom and drag into interrogation. Bad cop _really _needs to be let loose.

"No. I didn't," she says as he follows her out. "I'm sorry. I've been so busy with work…"

"Oh sure. I understand," he says gently. "Been busy, too. The new captain of the _Normandy_ needs breaking in. We keep going through them."

Ash smiles as she heads upstairs. "You still haven't found one? What's that, five so far?"

"Eight. At the moment we have Commander John Hancock. Good guy. Bit of a dick, really though. Keeps hitting on asari every time we pull into port."

"Oh man," Ash groans. "Another dudebro marine. I thought _Normandy _had enough with you onboard."

"Hey! I'll have you know I'm a sensitive new age marine. Esteban says so."

Ash snorts. "Hardly. I think Kaidan has you beat there."

James shifts, uncomfortable as he takes in Shepard's panties thrown across their master bedroom, and turns his face away. "We're just waiting for Lola to come back. Personally, I'm working on tempting Kaidan to take command."

"Nope," Ash says flatly, moving into the en suite and eying her prisoner. "Not gonna happen. He won't leave Shepard, and Shepard can't leave the Citadel yet," she calls into the bedroom. "You won't get one without the other. Why do you think Kaidan spends his days chasing crime on the Citadel rather than off on remote colonies doing his Spectre thing? The Council isn't terribly happy, but they give him leeway. The Citadel needs a lot of rebuilding and law and order enforced. But mostly it's because he doesn't want to leave home and he'd straight up quit the Spectres if they made him leave her. They can't afford that."

James frowns as she drags the hapless prisoner into the bedroom. "Yeah, and after today, I see he has good reason not to leave. If you guys had gotten here any later… we would have been toast. I mean, I'm good. But I'm not that good."

The prisoner gives a short laugh. Ash raises her eyebrows. _Big mistake. _

"Hey, _pendejo_," James snarls, and balls his fist, driving it into the man's stomach. "_That's_ for shooting my best friend." He hits him again. "_That's _for smashing her windows. She loves those windows!" This time he punches him in the face. "And _that's_ for going through her things!"

"James, don't," Ash says, pulling the man out of his reach. Shit. She shouldn't have let that happen. Spectres won't be questioned on the state of their prisoners, but that's no excuse.

She wishes she had some of Kaidan's fabled self-control, though judging by today's display it probably wouldn't have helped much… probably would have been worse.

"I know, OK?" she tells James, putting a firm hand on his chest to hold him back. His heart pounds beneath her palm, his skin burning warm. "I gave him a kick, but he can't show up in a cell looking like we beat the crap out of him, no matter how much we want to."

"Yeah, yeah. He's lucky it's me, and not Kaidan," James mutters. "Just get him out of my sight. I'm going downstairs to check on Lola."

With that he stomps out of the room, his mood sour. Ash sighs.

* * *

James throws open the doors downstairs, suddenly furious. He doesn't know why the state of Shepard and Kaidan's bedroom bothers him so much, but it does.

A tiny little part of his brain whispers maybe it wasn't just that. Maybe it was seeing a certain woman again, and finding out she had been deliberately brushing him off. Everything was so awkward after the wedding. He hadn't really meant to get drunk and have sex with her in one of the reception room's bathrooms. It just sort of… got out of control, and they had ended up spending the night together in the hotel room as well.

He had wanted to wake up and make her breakfast, but by the time he opened his eyes, she was already gone.

He likes her. A lot. But he has no idea how to talk to her sometimes. She's so cool. So sexy. So in control. Every time he's around her he gets tongue-tied and awkward.

Truthfully, he's a little jealous of Kaidan's rapport with her, how easily they talk, and how he makes her laugh. James wishes he could do that.

The man in question is bundling Shepard into the ambulance that has just pulled up, concerned residents crowding around them. To James' horror, a camera flashes.

Furious, he rushes over. "Back up! Everyone get back! The woman's injured. This isn't fodder for the press. Next time someone takes a picture, you better take one of your face, too, because it's the last time you'll see it unbroken when I'm through with you."

Kaidan shoots him a grateful look as the salarian paramedics fuss over Shepard, attaching an oxygen mask to her face, and waving their omni-tools.

"Hmm. Blood pressure low. Distressed. Blood oxygen levels low. May need surgery. Will assess," one salarian mutters to himself, strapping Shepard onto the gurney.

Her eyes are wide and frightened again. "Kaidan," she calls. "Please. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I'm fine. Please. I'll have a sleep and some more medi-gel and lie down on the couch. I don't want to go back. Please, Kaidan. I don't wanna."

James watches, distressed, as she starts to struggle against the paramedics, blood loss making her confused and violent. She snaps a restraint with a biotic flare. "No! Don't touch me."

Kaidan jumps up into the ambulance. "Sweetheart," he says, tears in his voice as he grasps her hand. "I'm here. OK? I promise you'll be OK. I'll be with you the whole time. You have to go to the hospital. You've lost a lot of blood. You'll be OK. It's not permanent."

Shepard bursts into exhausted tears, lying still on the medical gurney. James can see dark circles under her eyes. She doesn't look her age, somehow gaining twenty years since he spoke to her this morning. Kaidan leans down and presses a kiss to her forehead.

A salarian medic looks alarmed. "Hmm. Possible PTSD reaction. Can sedate for ambulance ride," he chatters, and quickly readies a sedative. Kaidan throws his hand up, stopping him.

"No! She's not to be sedated. Alright? She doesn't like it. She's fine."

Kaidan throws James an agonized look. "I've gotta go with her. Take care of things here for me. Tell Ash I'll check in with her later."

James pats him on the back. "No problem, man. Look after Lola."

The ambulance doors swing shut, and they take off, heading towards Huerta Memorial.

James shakes his head, feeling desperately sorry for Shepard. She only just got out of hospital in time for her wedding, and to end up back there only months later must be like a kick in the teeth for her. He also feels sorry for Kaidan, to watch the one he loves suffering so much, and knowing he can't stop it.

Shepard's a soldier. James knows no one braver, with such life and flare. He's never met a finer leader. But there was only so much a person could take. She spent the last four years of her life at war. When did it end for her?

He turns, and as he hears the distant wails of C-SEC sirens, rolls his eyes. They would have been dead if not for Kaidan and Ash.

James is glad he would have gone down fighting with Lola. He couldn't have borne seeing Kaidan mourn his wife when he only just got her back.

* * *

Many hours later, exhausted and uneasy after heading back to the Alliance barracks for a shower and shave, James drives to Huerta Memorial to check in on Lola.

Ash had called him and notified him that her prisoner had been taken to the Spectre headquarters for interrogation, but Kaidan had told her to wait until he was free to conduct a _personal_ interrogation. She had then said that she was heading to Huerta since Lola was out of surgery and was allowed visitors.

James stops by the gift shop on his way in, and picks up an overpriced pink teddy bear with a love heart and some chocolates for her.

He holds them under his arms as he pads through the all too familiar halls, feeling ridiculous, but knowing Lola would love them. She likes silly things.

Outside her room door, Ash stands guard, a fierce scowl on her face for any who dare pass Shepard's room. She smiles wanly when she sees James, smirking at the teddy bear clutched in his massive hands.

"What's wrong, Vega? Need a teddy bear to help you sleep?" she says, winking to take the heat out of her jibe.

"Nah. When I need help sleeping, well, let's just say that a teddy bear isn't the one sharing my bed."

Ash laughter echoes down the hallway. A nurse throws her a dirty look.

James smiles, tired, but happy Ash isn't mad with him. She has a massive sniper rifle strapped to her back, and new heavy duty combat armor on. She even has grenades strapped to her sleekly muscled thigh.

"What's with the heavy ordnance?" he asks.

She pats her Widow rifle fondly. "Not taking any chances. Anyone wants to get to Shep, they'll have to go through me first. And old Bessie."

"Bessie?"

"My rifle. She is my baby. I love my rifle. I look after my rifle. I _adore _my rifle. And it loves me. Don't question it, son."

James grins. "Oh no. I know better than to get between a woman and her rifle. More precious than diamonds."

There's another pause, and a spark seems to arch between them. The lights are dim in the hospital for patients to rest so late in the day cycle, but Ash's dark eyes seem to gleam at him.

He clears his throat. _Not going down that path, Vega, man. Bad plan_, he tells himself. _This isn't the war. And this isn't just blowing off steam._

"So… where's Kaidan?" James asks.

Ash shrugs. "Inside. He's having a quiet moment with Shepard. You can't go in. Take a look." She jerks her head for James to poke his head past the door, and look through the semi-transparent windows Huerta seems so fond of.

Inside, Kaidan is curled up on the hospital bed with Lola, speaking softly. Her face is calm, even with the oxygen cannula up her nose, and her eyes are closed. Their hands are clasped together on top of the white sheets. Kaidan looks incongruous in the room, still clad in his uniform, barely fitting on the bed with her, but holding her half in his arms. If not for the movement of her mouth as Lola answers Kaidan occasionally, James would have thought she was peacefully asleep. Her hair is brushed neatly around her face, and she wears her favorite, soft Alliance t-shirt of Kaidan's. He must have rummaged around their ruined apartment for fresh clothes for her, knowing the shittiness of Huerta's medical wear. Her toes wiggle out of the end of the bed, encased in fluffy blue socks with ducks on them.

James is suddenly struck by the overwhelming love Kaidan must have for her.

He looks away instantly, feeling guilty. That's private. No one is meant to see that.

Ash nods as he turns around. "Yeah. I wasn't gonna interrupt. So the first time anyone tries to get past me, I shoot 'em. Even you, Muscles."

James opens his mouth to retort when a shout echoes down the hallway.

"What do you mean _I can't go in_? She is my daughter! I _demand_ you give me her medical files, and show me to her room."

"Ma'am," a nurse pleads. "M-ma'am, please calm yourself. Commander Shepard's file is private. You can't go in. Spectre authority."

"Holy fuck," Ash whispers. "I'm leaving."

James watches a regal looking woman stride down the hallway, a tortured nurse trying to stop her. The woman has dark, thick black hair, still shiny and full-colored even though she looks to be in her fifties or sixties. To James, she looks to be one of those aging gracefully model-type women who still take great pride in their appearance. Might have even had some gene mods with how pretty she is, but James somehow doesn't think so. She looks all natural, and classical, like a vid star. Straight white teeth and full lips with a strong jaw line lend her an imposing air. On any other face her features would be overwhelming, but James has the inkling suspicion he's seen one like it before.

Her eyebrows are perfectly groomed, and immaculately arched, dark as her hair; her skin olive, and sun-kissed, little dark freckles over the bridge of her nose. She wears a grey skirt, and crisply-ironed white shirt, although she looks a little rumpled.

She draws closer and frowns at James. He notices her eyes are vibrant amber, like a particularly keen hawk, and her nose straight and Romanesque. She's striking.

James isn't chicken enough to deny that she's rather hot, and if she was twenty years younger he'd totally ask her out. Or at least show her a _very_ good night.

"Ma'am, you're not allowed here. Please leave," the nurse tries again.

"No! I went through that god-forsaken beam to get up here as soon as I heard what had happened, and I would like to see my daughter right this instant, or so help me god…" the woman fumes, and James actually flinches back. She's tiny, about two full heads shorter than James, and even he wouldn't mess with her.

"Where's Kaidan Alenko?" she demands. "Get him out here."

She looks past James to Ash standing there, for once meek. She looks actually intimidated by the older woman, a very rare thing for Lieutenant Commander Spectre Ashley Williams.

"Ashley. So nice to see you again, dear. Where is Kaidan?"

Drawn out by all the yelling, Kaidan opens the door, frowning. "What are you guys doing? Shepard's trying to sleep-"

"Kaidan! I heard about the attack on the news." He's cut off by the woman.

She walks over and to James' shock, slaps him on the arm.

"Ow, Ma!" he yelps.

James' eyes widen. _Holy shit. _

She hits him again. It's almost comical, the way he towers over her, but quavers at her quelling look.

"I had to hear about it on _the news_," she hisses at him. "There were awful pictures of my poor Shepard looking just terrible. Why didn't you call me? I didn't raise you like that, boy! I would have been up in an instant. As it was I rushed to the London beam as quickly as I could in your father's beat up old shuttle."

"Mom, you went through the beam?" Kaidan asks, looking horrified. "You didn't have to do that. I would have come got you from the orchard in a shuttle and brought you up here."

She scoffs. "Wasn't that scary. It's a legitimate travel method these days. Only took me an instant. But I wouldn't have had to do it if you had called me earlier."

Kaidan rubs the back of his neck. "Right. Sorry. I had a lot on my mind."

Her face softens. "Of course you have, dear. That's why I came up. To help you out. Now, let me see my lovely daughter-in-law."

The nurse hesitates, looking to Kaidan. "Spectre Alenko, sir? Is this woman authorized?"

He waves her off. "She's allowed in any time she wants. She's family. This is Ami Alenko, my mother."

James facepalms internally.

Ami Alenko, MILF.

That is _so_ never ever being spoken aloud. Ever.

He's going to have to find some brain bleach.

Ami breezes inside the hospital room, and James looks past to see Lola grin as she does so.

"Shepard, sweetheart. How lovely to see you again," she croons. "Tsk tsk, no one has even gotten you a fruit bowl." She fusses around the room, fluffing Shepard's pillow. "Don't worry; I'll take care of you now. Well, at least that boy of mine has gotten you some proper clothes. Sometimes he makes himself useful. Good man. Reminds me of his father," she natters, a constant stream of fussy care.

"Hey, Ma," Shepard croaks. "Missed ya."

She reaches her arms up for a hug, and Ami grins tearfully. She pauses in her fussing to lean over and press a kiss to Shepard's forehead and gives her a warm, encompassing hug.

Kaidan is grinning beside James as he watches. James shakes his head. Boy, is he whipped.

"Of course you did, girly. You missed my cooking, I'm sure. Kaidan can't cook worth a damn unless it's steak."

Kaidan sighs, his smile faltering. "And here we go."

"I feel ya, man," James says, and pats him on the back again. "I brought some chocolates. But I think you and I better leave them at it and go have a beer."

Kaidan shakes his head. "No, I'm not leaving."

Lola frowns and calls out after them, "Yes, you are. You've been stuck with me all day. Ma's here. Ash's here. I'll be fine. Go have a beer or I'll have the nurses ban you from my room. That's an order, Major." Her eyes swing to James. "James, new N7 mission. Get Kaidan out of here."

James quickly pads into the room, and shoves the teddy bear at her. "Mission acquired, Lola. I'll take care of it."

"Nice work, Jimmy," Lola says, smiling. She takes the teddy bear, tucking it into the blankets with her. "I'll bump you up a rank if you get him to chill a little."

James raises his eyebrow. "You can't actually do that, right?" he asks hopefully.

She grins. "Nope."

"Damn."

"And who is this?" Ami says, sniffing disdainfully.

"Oh, sorry!" Shepard says. "This is Lieutenant James Vega, one of my old crew from the _Normandy_, and one of my best friends. He was busy when I stayed on Earth with you; he helped a lot with rebuilding parts of Earth and the Citadel to get it livable again. Guess you just haven't met before."

"No, I would remember you," James blurts before he can stop himself. Shepard blinks and the room goes deathly silent.

"Oh boy," Ash groans.

Kaidan's mouth pops open.

"OK! Nice to meet you, Mrs. Alenko. I'm leaving to go have a beer," James says, backing out of the room. He grabs Kaidan by his shirt front and drags him down the hallway. "It's been a long day."

"Love you!" Kaidan calls to Shepard, as he fights off James' grip, pulling back to lean into her door. James yanks him away.

She laughs and calls back, voice scratchy, "Love you, too, you big dolt."

James watches Ash mime sticking her fingers down her throat and hefts her rifle again, shutting the door. She winks at him, and his heart skips a beat.

* * *

Somewhere across town a man in black stands in front of a desk, shaking.

"You failed," the man who hired him says. "We don't have Shepard."

"Her husband and that Williams Spectre came home unexpectedly," the merc pleads. "Shepard wasn't alone."

"I have heard reports she was injured."

The merc wets his dry lips.

He only took this job because he heard it was easy money. He just wanted to be able to afford another hit. He didn't expect to almost be murdered by those Spectres. He barely survived by running and jumping out the window when Alenko had shown up blazing blue fire, and Williams had winged him with a bullet. He had to dig it out in an alleyway. He's sure it's infected, but he can't go to the hospital, lest he'd be caught.

"…Yes."

"She almost bled out," the voice says, quietly furious. "Her skin was blemished."

"…Yes. She was hit accidentally as we dropped in."

"I said she wasn't to be hurt."

"I don't know how you expected us to take her without disabling her first. She's a biotic. They're never unarmed," the merc fires back, suddenly annoyed.

"I don't care!" the man rages, swiping datapads of his desk. The merc flinches. "She's weakened! I paid you a fortune, and you failed me. Now you pay with your life."

The man behind the desk stands and takes aim.

The merc screams and starts running for the exit, but the shot hits him in the back, severing his spinal cord.

He's still alive when the man walks over to him and puts a bullet in his brain, sighing.

"Nasty business. But you hurt her, you hurt me. Commander Shepard is a goddess, and no man can harm a goddess."

He turns back, and walks to the picture wall behind his desk. Her face beams out at him from every angle. He's carefully manipulated that other man's face out of every photo and inserted his own.

It looks better. She looks right with him.

That Alenko isn't worthy. Scum. Whiny. Imperfect. His brain is messed up with faulty firing. He abandoned her on Horizon_. He dares question her._

He'd never do that. He'd do whatever she asked of him. She's a hero, an icon.

He traces a picture reverently.

She's _so_ pretty in her wedding dress, him dapper in a tux (not an unromantic Alliance dress uniform as _that_ man had worn) as he holds her in his arms. He's so glad his VI was able to perfectly erase Alenko's ugly mug. The picture is now perfect, an exemplar of their love. She just doesn't know it yet.

Yes, perfect. She really is a goddess. A reaper goddess, warrior angel, sent just for him. A perfect example of humanity and womanliness. A savior. His own personal Jesus Christ.

"Now, I'll have to use alternate methods," the man whispers to the darkness. "She'll soon see. I'm her number one fan. And she's meant to be mine."

"I adore her."


	4. Chapter 4

James drags Kaidan down to their usual watering hole on the Silversun Strip, a hokey little establishment run by a grumpy, aged turian.

Rain God's Garden, as the bar is called, has been claimed by James as his premier 'quiet' drink spot. In his mind, the _Normandy_ crew has their own bars that James always takes them to. Jack has Purgatory. Shepard likes the casino for a drink, and gamble (she likes trying to tempt James into letting her cheat at the roulette wheel). Garrus likes any old hole, but is partial to Afterlife on Omega. Liara likes the classy little bar up on the Presidium that sells drinks worth more than most guns James has owned. He always lets her pay in that case.

Rain God's Garden is Kaidan's place, and it says something to James that it's his most visited bar on the Citadel. He doesn't know why the turian named his bar the strange name, turians have spirits, not gods, but James thinks it might have something to do with the smattering of real, live green plants on the bar and decorating the walls. Thriving, against reason (and probably all the beer poured into their pots).

They order their drinks (whiskey for Kaidan, beer for James) and slide into their customary seats up the back. Cigarette and cigar smoke hangs thickly in the dimly lit air, giving the bar a gloomy, green appearance. James likes the illusion of anonymity. Kaidan sneakily lights a cigarette.

James shoots him a side look. "I thought you quit?"

"I have," he murmurs. "This is just... Look, just don't tell Shepard."

James watches a bioti-ball game on the big screen as he sips his beer. Kaidan remains silent, checking his omni-tool every two minutes, rapidly smoking through three cigarettes.

"Will you stop? She's OK. If you don't chill, you're gonna explode," James chides.

Kaidan doesn't take kindly to his advice. "My wife of only four months was nearly murdered in our own _home_ today. You'll forgive me if I'm a bit jumpy. I think I'm a little young to become a widower."

"I know, Major. I was there."

Kaidan sighs, seeming to shrink in on himself. He rubs a hand over his eyes wearily. "I know. I'm sorry, alright?"

He takes a gulp of whiskey, finishing it, and motions for another.

"I know, Kaidan. It's OK. Just… Shepard wants you to relax. You worry her."

"Yeah, well, she worries me," he mutters.

James shoves his new whiskey at him as it slides across the bar. The aged turian bartender huffs, unimpressed with the Alliance soldiers crowding his quiet little bar. James thinks he should be damn grateful they always choose to spend their hard-earned creds here. It's not exactly a hub-bub of paying customers.

That's old man Nurexius, though. Never happy and mildly racist until the end. Makes a damn good margarita for Shepard, though, her favorite one in the Wards. James thinks he's a little sweet on her.

"Drink up, Major," he goads. "A toast to Shepard for being damn hard to kill. May that never change!"

Kaidan doesn't smile, but he does touch his whisky to James' beer and knocks the whole thing back.

"I wish she was hard to kill… could have saved me two years of hell," he mumbles darkly, and James winces.

They sit in silence, the empty tumblers around Kaidan steadily growing. If not for his biotic metabolism, James would have cut him off after the fifth drink, but he lets him go, realizing he deserves one night to throw off responsibility and have a little meltdown.

"So," Kaidan begins after an hour of nothing but companionable silence and stray comments over the bioti-ball game. "Shep tells me you and Ash have totally hooked up before. Do I need to take you outside and give you the 'if you hurt her, I'll kill you' speech? Maybe rough you up a little? We can not do that, and just pretend I did if it helps."

"Lola ratted me out." James curses. "When did you find out?"

Kaidan shrugs unapologetically. "This afternoon. She was woozy and when Shepard gets woozy she gets chatty. Plus, she tells me everything, man. Can't keep a secret for long. Ash hinted at it. I put two and two together. Don't worry, Shepard thinks it's cute. Likes the idea of you two getting together. So?" he drawls, alcohol loosening his tongue.

"So what?" says James. "Not much to it. We were screwing during the war. Started at that party Shepard threw, you know, after the clone thing? The last one before…"

"Before the beam, yeah."

"Yeah, it started there. We kept it going for a month or two. After the war, we just kind of drifted apart. It's different in wartime. Everything's so charged. There's a reason there's a baby boom back on Earth right now." James coughs. "Not that we weren't always totally responsible. We're not idiots. Well, _I_ am. But y'know."

Kaidan smiles, then nods. "I get that. Just going for it. Shepard and I… we were ridiculous sometimes. I can't say anything to you that won't make me a hypocrite. We started at the worst possible time, even before the war, and never stopped. Even when we were apart, I'd think about her constantly. Completely out of control. I'd see her go down on the battlefield, and outside I was calm, but inside I was losing my mind. Damn good sex though," he says offhandedly and knocks more whiskey back. "Damn good. I miss that sex. It was so desperate and raw. You don't get that intensity in peacetime, lemme tell you."

James gapes a little at him. "OK," he says slowly, sliding his drink across the bar. "I think you've had enough for this round."

"Nope, I'm good," Kaidan says, slapping James hands away. "Don't get me wrong, the sex now is great. Even after everything. But different, gentler, slower. I kinda miss those locker room quickies."

James makes a gagging motion, mimicking Ash in the hospital by pretending to stick his fingers down his throat.

"What's the matter?" Kaidan laughs, unashamed. "You didn't think Shep and I sat around knitting sweaters, did you?"

"Apparently not, man," James says, knocking back a beer and some peanuts from the bar. "_Dios_."

"I'm hungry," Kaidan says suddenly. "I need to grill you about Ash, but let's get out of here and find some greasy food. We'll get more whiskey later. Lots more whiskey. Maybe some coffee. I like coffee. Maybe some whiskey_ in_ coffee."

He stands and stumbles. James catches him by the shoulder.

"I'm cutting you off, Alenko. But food sounds good. Come on, there's a kebab joint down the road. We'll go sit somewhere and eat."

"You know who loves food?" Kaidan says with over exaggerated sorrow as they pay their bill and leave. "My wife. She would like some greasy food. We should sneak some into her at Huerta. Shh, don't tell Ma, though."

James rolls his eyes. "We'll do that. And have you kicked out by the nurses when they catch you."

"I'm an ultra-sneaky Spectre. I won't get caught. I'm above the law, my friend." Kaidan gestures expansively as if to include all the Ward in his sweeping statement.

James laughs, shaking his head at the state of his friend. He may be wasted, but at least he's relaxed a little.

They stroll (more like stumble drunkenly in Kaidan's case) to one of the ever-present fast food stands, and buy mountains of greasy food. Kaidan walks with a purpose, as if he has a sudden idea in his head, and James follows him.

"Where are you going?" he calls, as Kaidan leads the way down a dimly lit alleyway. "Shouldn't we go back to yours or something to eat?"

"Nah. Place makes me want to kill someone. Shepard's underwear all over the damn room… her wedding ring was stolen. I didn't go interrogate the prisoner that Ash caught yet, because if I had I would have killed him," Kaidan says, and James knows he's serious.

_Shit. _

"She wasn't wearing her ring?"

"No. Her fingers were swollen. She keeps it on her old, burned dog tags in her jewelry box. Not like she thought they'd be stolen," Kaidan says shortly, his shoulders a tight line. He visibly calms himself with a deep breath, and James kind of wishes they bought a whole bottle of whiskey. Knowing he's going to regret it, he tells Kaidan to stay put, and then runs back to the bar, buys two bottles in brown paper bags, and jogs back to Kaidan.

At his raised eyebrows, James shrugs. "Thought we might need 'em. You won't thank me in the morning, but I think you deserve to take the day off. Ash can handle things."

Kaidan says nothing, but continues leading the way. "Come on. I want to show you Shepard's and I's secret place. You can't tell anyone, Jimmy. It's top secret."

They come to a ruined part of the Wards, one of the buildings still burned out and broken from when the Reapers took the Citadel. It's large and looming, only half repaired. The lights in this part of the Ward are dim and flickering, but Kaidan pays no mind, beginning to climb the building's scaffolding after securing their plastic bag of booze and food across his chest. A Keeper toils further up it, oblivious to their presence.

James balks. "What are you doing, man? That's dangerous."

"No, it's not." He gestures to himself. "Biotic, remember? I'll catch you if you fall, and I can catch myself. Shepard and I have practiced. She usually spots me during the climb and then I lift her up, but we'll be fine. Come on, the view is amazing."

"You two are loco. You do this for fun?" James gapes, beginning to climb with Kaidan. He's no chicken. If Kaidan can do it, so can he.

"Yeah," he calls. "Blood rush. Shepard likes being able to do something that's not lying on the couch in pain. She likes the adrenaline, even though she's usually stiff and sore for a week. We didn't join the marines for the safety and mess food. Besides, what's gravity to someone like her?"

"A healthy force of nature to respect and not tempt by climbing scaffolding?" James retorts facetiously.

Kaidan scoffs, already half way up, his hand placement swift and measured, muscles in his arms shifting sinuous beneath his skin. "Gravity might have been important before the advent of mass effect fields, but it's now petty compared to her," he says, grinning crookedly. James thinks he sounds horribly proud and smug. "She's its master; it does what she tells it to."

"You guys are insane. Remind me never to ask what you do for game nights. Probably something like target practice with Thresher Maws."

"Nah," Kaidan puffs, pulling himself over the last ledge. "That's Thursdays. Game nights we break out strip poker. Don't even ask about Tuesdays. We're creatures of habit."

"_Loco_," James mutters.

Kaidan grips him by the arm, and yanks him over the side. Then he moves towards the edge, sits down, and shifts to leave room for James. He pulls out his kebab, and begins munching happily, washing down his bites with great gulps of whiskey. In between bites, he lights another cigarette. The embers flare in the darkness.

James sits beside him and finally looks at the view.

It's amazing, the Strip spread below them, the Ward's lights twinkling as far as the eye can see. A river of light, flowing just for them. With the darkened and destitute surrounds, the repaired parts glow all the brighter, reminiscent of firefly lights back on Earth, or Christmas lights twinkling merrily. Earth is just visible through the Ward arms. It's beautiful.

Permanent twilight makes for impressive views.

James wonders if that's what Lola saw as she lay bleeding to death, Anderson dead beside her.

"Big place," Kaidan mumbles under his breath. "No reason they wouldn't like you. Best seats in the house."

Somehow, James thinks he's not talking to him anymore, but some memory only he can see. It doesn't make any sense to James, so he says nothing in response.

A strange wind whistles this high up, and James is confused for a moment. There's no natural weather on the Citadel. Then he realizes its suction from the oxygenation and air recirculation systems, somehow creating a current high in the air, or maybe it's just this ruined part of the Ward with the peculiarity, the echo of nature.

"Shepard and I pretend we're back on Earth. That we're young, meeting in a crowded city somewhere. No Reapers. Just a chance meeting, the city spread below us," Kaidan says quietly.

"We sit up here for hours sometimes, just talking. About everything and nothing. About our days, ours jobs, the apartment. About how she misses work, but can't face the possibility of being broken again, yet. About the SR-1. About Mordin, Thane, Legion. About EDI. About Joker. About Horizon. About the boy. About Virmire, and how Ash and I nearly died. About Mars."

"How she misses Anderson so much she can't breathe some days. How she wishes she could have told him she loved him before he died. Whatever she wants to talk about. Sometimes, the wind dries her face before I can. Sometimes she kisses me, and I forget all the beauty in the Ward lights, because her face outshines it all. Sometimes, she does both at the same time, and I can see every single light in the Wards fracture into prisms in the tears clinging to her eyelashes."

James says nothing, a lump rising in his throat. He had no idea. It's impossible to gauge another couple's relationship from the outside. He thought he had them all figured out, Shepard and Kaidan did couple things. They love each other, sure.

But like earlier in the day, in the hospital room, with Kaidan curled around her, and her blue fluffy socks, James is suddenly embarrassed by the depth of what Kaidan is telling him. What they do in their quiet hours, and not just the sex.

James takes the bottle as Kaidan proffers the whiskey, and swigs deeply. "You must have been scared today," he says finally after a long pause. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I knew what I was getting into when I married her. I wouldn't change it for the world. She's not just my wife or girlfriend, and she never has been. She's Commander Shepard. We'd be fools to think that everything would just be normal after the war. Even though we hoped otherwise."

James takes another swig, feeling melancholy. "Got the house fixed up? C-SEC was still rummaging around taking evidence when I left."

"No. I couldn't face it, yet. I grabbed what I needed of Shepard's and left. I'm not sleeping there tonight. There's a cot at the hospital I'll use. I called a repairman to come fix the window tomorrow, and building security is watching the place so we don't have anything else stolen. But, I don't want to go back there yet. It makes me so angry," Kaidan rasps. "I need a clear head. I have an investigation to work on."

"Are you sure you should be doing that?" James asks, frowning and taking another drink. "Shouldn't Ash handle it? I know I'm going to help. Couldn't keep me away, _cuate._"

Kaidan smiles. "Thanks. I really appreciate that. I'm sure I shouldn't be working the case, but there's nothing that will keep me from it either. Ash and I will work it together, as usual. We've got a weapon to trace and a perp to interrogate. We'll find out who tried to kill her."

Kaidan takes the bottle from him, finishing it off. "Shit, Ma doesn't have a place to stay. I hope she thought to book a hotel. She usually stays with us."

"Your mother certainly is something. Man, you never said she's hot."

"Vega, I will spew this delicious kebab all over you if you ever say that again. My mother is not hot. She is a sixty-five year old widow."

"Alright, alright. Just sayin'." James laughs at the chagrined expression on Kaidan's face. "Ash is more my type anyway."

"Yeah, about that - I forgot my speech from earlier, but if you-"

"Hurt her, you'll kill me, I know."

"Good. I don't know what's going on with you two, but try not to-"

"Make a mess of things?" James asks.

"Yeah. That."

There's a long pause, but a comfortable one. The Ward's lights glitter in their eyes coldly, and the Keeper makes faint banging noises as he repairs something unfathomable to James.

Kaidan puts his head in his hands, sighing deeply. "I hope Ma isn't bugging Shepard about babies again. I told her to knock it off."

"She's on your case about that?"

"Yeah." Kaidan rubs his eyes, looking old. "Last time she told Shepard she wasn't getting any younger, and gushed about how cute I was as a baby. She's just old, and lonely, and wants grandkids, but she doesn't realize she hurts Shepard with her nagging sometimes. You know, my Ma and Shepard love each other, but last time she brought it up, Shepard got into a massive argument with her, and called her a meddlesome old bat. It's why Ma hasn't been up to the Citadel in a while. It was good to see them forget all about it today."

"Shit, really? Shepard takes the kid thing badly, huh? I don't get it. I thought you guys were thinking about it. Shepard's better, you're married now, the war's over."

"So? That's not the only reason for not having kids. I'm not saying I don't want them... but I want Shepard to be happy. She never... I dunno." He flicks his last cigarette away into the darkness, watching it spiral gracefully to the bottom.

"Disgusting habit," he says. "Reminds me of the damn Illusive Man. Murderous asshole. I only took it up again after Shepard got hurt last year. I quit in my twenties. It was just a way to clear my head, get out of the hospital for two minutes. Shepard doesn't care. Hell, she does sometimes, too, not like they cause cancer anymore. But still, I shouldn't smoke around her. I don't like her seeing me do it."

"I wasn't judging you, Kaidan. We all have vices. Yours just happens to be whiskey, cigarettes, and fraternizing. In that order. Me? I like beating the crap out of something."

He gives a quiet laugh. "I shouldn't have started in the first place."

Kaidan's shoulders slump. He cracks open the second bottle of whiskey and takes a deep drink. James knows he's fairly wasted, but holding it well.

"We lost a kid," he says suddenly, his gaze fixed on the horizon of twinkling lights.

James' heart stops, his face falling. "_What_? M-man, I'm sorry," he stammers, not sure what to say. "When? Oh god, please don't say today…"

Kaidan shakes his head, fiddling with the leftover wrapper from his kebab. "Shepard had a miscarriage a few years ago." He throws the wrapper into the wind and scoffs. "Actually, it wasn't really that… she died, too. The Collector attack did it, and I just let it happen, let her run off. Some days... I get so angry at Joker, even though I shouldn't. When he rang the house and started ranting at Shepard for EDI, I kind of lost it."

"Shit," James says, inelegantly fumbling for words.

"Miranda Lawson only told her months later after she woke up. It was sick. Cerberus considered putting the kid, our kid, through Lazarus, too, as some kind of ransom, or hold over Shepard, but Lawson convinced the Illusive Man not to. They just… discarded it as they were reviving Shepard. I only found out last year. Shep told me after we got back together."

The lights from the Ward arms twinkle in his dark eyes. They're a little wet.

"I mourned."

"I had no idea," James says, not sure what else to say to his best friend. He feels tongue-tied and stupid. He had no idea they had ever dealt with something like that. "This was during the war?"

Kaidan nods. "Yeah, she told me just after we had this perfect date on the Citadel. I just remember being shocked… and hurt she hadn't told me sooner."

He sighs.

"But I understood, after Horizon, and Mars, after all that, I could see how she just couldn't bring it up. She had mourned a lot longer than I did. We barely had any time. No real way to take stock of all that had happened between us. I think I just said something about being sorry. We didn't talk about it much, buried it in work, and Reaper killing. I felt guilty. Massively guilty. And I wasn't sure why, or how to make it right. After the clone thing... she had a breakdown in the shower, sobbed for two hours as I held her. I dunno, I think it sort of hit her. If they could make a clone... She got freaked over the things they had done to her body. Being in hospital so long was like one big trigger for her. You saw what happened in the ambulance today."

"We first met before Eden Prime." He smiles again, softly. "In Rio of all places, at the docks there. I looked at her and thought she was some rude civilian. Small, pretty thing, with a bad attitude and skin that had seen too much sun."

James snorts. "Bet you regretted that one."

"She soon knocked me on my ass. I was… I fell for her, so hard. Then it was chasing Saren, and we came together in all that. Then she died. After Cerberus, the war… sometimes it seemed all there was between us was blood-stained and painful. It was only after the war we really began just living, y'know?" James nods, and Kaidan looks away again. "We made a grave at the orchard. Just a small one beside a large oak tree."

James suddenly feels very sorry for them, imagining them standing beside a great oak tree, the ground bearing an empty grave.

"No names or anything, but it was something." Kaidan moves a shoulder up and down in a weird uncomfortable gesture, and rubs his face again. His beard is coming through, his eyes a little bloodshot. "It was the first time I saw her cry since she first woke up from the coma and she asked if Anderson was really dead."

James has the sudden urge to run back to the hospital and crawl into bed with Lola, give her fluffy socks forever, and kiss her forehead until she smiles again.

"Sounds stupid, huh?" Kaidan says, finally turning to face James, legs swinging over the sheer drop. "Mourning. We didn't even know."

"You're allowed to grieve if you feel sorrow," James says, earnest and honest, wanting to comfort his brother-in-arms. "There are no rules for it. It was something yours and private."

"We've built a life now." Kaidan nods, looking towards Tiberius Towers. "A good one. I love her more every single day. More than I ever thought possible. There's no war between us now." He smiles, a wry twist to his lips. "Except for when it crashes though our living room window. I married the love of my life. How many men can say that? I'm lucky. Why mess with a good thing?"

James thinks that he sounds like he's trying to talk himself out of something. Instead of voicing these thoughts he nods, and pats Kaidan on the back.

"Please don't tell Shepard I told you. It's intensely private and something we keep to ourselves. Ma doesn't understand every time she brings up us having kids… Shepard gets this look on her face."

"I think Lola would be a great mom, for what it's worth. And man, you'd rock being a dad."

Kaidan smiles, an unbearably hopeful look on his face. "You think so?

"Hell, yes," James enthuses. "Lola's already the _Normandy _Team Mom. I volunteer for babysitting duty, and cool, fun Uncle Jimmy stuff. I've seen you with kids. You're great with them. You've got the calming influence down pat, and you never speak down to them. If I ever have kids, I'd look to you as an example, rather than my old man."

Kaidan frowns. "He was rough with you, wasn't he?"

James says it quickly, like ripping off a Band-Aid or a stubborn patch of medi-gel dried to the skin.

Doesn't hurt a bit.

"He beat the shit outta me. Used me as a drug errand boy. I'm over it now, but I'll be damned if I ever treat my kids the same way.

"You sound like Shepard," Kaidan says, nodding, not a hint of judgment on his face. "You were very strong to get through that."

"I know Shepard's mom was… well, like my old man. She and I have talked about it. How to deal with the anger left over. She's a good person."

Kaidan shifts in his seat, and roughly pats him on the back again. James feels his heart lighten a little. "You're a good man, Jimmy Vega," Kaidan says. "A very good man."

He stands, and despite the amount of alcohol he's drank, he's steadier on his feet than before at the bar, his biotics and perhaps his darker thoughts making him more sober. _Maybe the cool night air had something to do with it, too_, James thinks.

Before Kaidan begins his climb down, he turns and looks at the Ward's views one last time. "It… he or she would have been nearly three years old now. I think about it a lot lately. Yeah... a lot."

He starts climbing down, slowly but surely, like he's done it a thousand times. James thinks he probably has.

"You can tell me these things, you know?" James says, starting to climb down, too. "You're… you and Lola are the best thing to happen to me in a long time. I was pretty messed up before, but I dunno… maybe you helped me find something that I know is good in me. I never want to disappoint Shepard. I want to do this N7 thing and make her proud."

"You already do, James," Kaidan calls, laughing. "She loves you like a brother, and if you know her half as well as I think you do, you'll know how huge that is."

Their boots hit the ground, blood rushing to James' head as he looks up at the height they just climbed down.

"Now, come on," Kaidan says. "You need to get back to the barracks, I need to go beg a hospital cot from the nurses or find myself a hotel. I'll call you a cab."

James stumbles after him, back into the Ward's hustle and bustle, busy even in the middle of the night.

"Right behind you, Major Alenko, sir," he calls, mock-saluting him sloppily.

Kaidan slings an arm causally around his shoulder and then punches him in the shoulder, shoving him away.

"Watch it, Vega, any insubordination from you and I'll get you assigned to latrine duty or something. Only my wife is allowed to be insubordinate."

James laughs, and shoves Kaidan in the back. He stumbles and falls over a flowerbed, and James laughs even harder, sure he's going to throw up all the booze they've drank. A gaggle of asari titter, and make bedroom eyes at them, but James' eyes skitter away. No more of that. He's serious about…

About someone.

Maybe Ash will let him sleep it off at hers…

He raises his omni-tool, pushing the numbers for Ash's comm clumsily.

"Hello?" her voice comes over sleepily. "Whatdya want?" she slurs. "It's 0300 hours. The Citadel better be burning down."

Kaidan jumps out of the bush he'd been fighting a losing battle with, hissing. "You idiot! You don't drunk-dial Ash! She'll kill you."

"Kaidan, is that you?" Ash asks, and Kaidan throws James a dirty look as he opens his mouth to answer.

"Yes! It's me, Ash. Sorry, pressed the wrong buttons on my comm. Go back to sleep. There's no problem."

"Fuck you, Alenko" she snarls, grumpy in the way only a woman woken up at three a.m. can be. "I'll kill you tomorrow for interrupting my sleep."

"I'll look forward to it," Kaidan chirps, and slams the button on the 'tool to disconnect.

Kaidan flicks James on the forehead with his finger, leaving a stinging red mark behind. James glares at him.

"Look," he says. "If you want to get in her good books, calling her at three a.m. is not the way. Pfft, amateur. I'm starting to think Steve is right about you, you know. You _are_ terrible with women."

James blinks, his thoughts slow. "I wanted to sleep at her place."

"Not happening, Vega. You're going to the barracks. Right now."

Kaidan hauls him into a cab, their night decidedly over. As James' thoughts swim confusingly, half snoozing in the back of the transport, he decides maybe one day he and Ash can climb the scaffolding, too, the Wards their little world of secrets and long talks.

He'd like that, he thinks. Someone to talk to, like how Kaidan has his Shepard.

* * *

Kaidan creeps into Shepard's room, nodding at Bau standing guard as he does so. He stifles a laugh. Looks like Ash used her charms to rope him into it. He feels a sudden rush of gratefulness to her, for all she's done for them.

Shepard rolls over as she hears him enter, plainly not asleep.

"Sorry," he whispers. "I'm just gonna set up the cot and let you sleep."

"Fuck that," she whispers back. "Climb aboard, Major."

She grins, and raises the covers for him to hop on the bed with her. He laughs quietly, and pulls his boots off. Her body is warm and soft as she curls around him, and she sighs against his chest, tucking her fist under her chin.

"That's better," she murmurs, burying her nose in his neck, and inhaling deeply. "You belong with me."

She grabs his hand, and guides it under her shirt to her hip, and he begins stroking softly, a bit of human comfort. Her own hand travels beneath his shirt and scratches the coarse hair low on his belly.

"Shepard..." he warns. "This is a hospital. The nurses will kick me out, even though we paid for the private room and all."

"Relax. I'm not gonna ravish you here and now. I don't have the energy for _that_," she says, laughing quietly. His hand slides along her belly, stroking the satin soft skin there, brand new after the seamless skin grafts.

"Hmm," she hums. "You smell like whiskey and smoke."

"Sorry. I can hop out if I'm making you sick."

"No, stay. I like it. It smells like you. Doc says I get out of here in a couple of days. He says I'm looking OK."

"Everything's OK?"

"Yeah. Mostly. Gotta keep me on a drip or something to get my blood pressure up and watch for infection, but aside from that... I'm free as a bird soon."

Kaidan kisses her hair. "I'm so glad. I'll fix the apartment up before then."

"Hmm," she hums again, half asleep, her hands stilling wrapped around his middle.

She raises her head, blinking sleepily, and puts her lips on his. He thinks she wants a chaste kiss, but her mouth opens beneath his, and he gladly reciprocates. She tastes sweet, like the watermelon and strawberries Ma no doubt shoved at her. Her skin is warm, and her breaths harsh, and Kaidan feels like his heart is going to burst when the kiss ends.

He lies there for a while, telling himself that they can't have sex in a hospital. Shepard snuffles against his chest, awake but drifting. Her hand strokes the hard planes of his body, and he feels something warm bloom in his chest, small, vulnerable, and just for her.

A glint of silver catches his eyes in the gloom, and he frowns.

"Shepard, who's the fancy present from?"

She looks over to the package on the side table. "I... I don't know. I didn't notice it. I slept a lot in the day. It must have be delivered when I was out."

Kaidan climbs out of bed, and brings the package over to the bed, climbing back on.

"Oooh," Shepard coos childishly, and Kaidan grins. "Maybe it's a present from Kasumi, or Samara. I've been dying for one of those biotic asari headband things Samara wears. She says it will look ridiculous on me, because I have hair, but whatever. I think I'd look bangin'. Gonna kill me some mercs while looking like a hot badass."

"It looks like flowers," Kaidan says and opens the package.

A revolting scent hits them.

Maggots spill out onto the bed as Kaidan pulls the silver ribbon.

Shepard gives a muffled yell and nearly topples off the side of the bed, immediately throwing up onto her sheets.

Kaidan gags, rushing to the sink and dumps the putrid package into it. It's rotten. The whole thing. Rotting flowers, and deliberately collected maggots, nestled on pink, lovingly crafted confetti and tissue paper.

A note flutters onto the ground, but he ignores it, dashing outside to Bau.

"Lock the hospital down. Now. Someone was here when she was sleeping. No one gets on this ward without my permission. Get me the names of the doctors and nurses who allowed anyone that isn't my mother, James Vega, or Ashley Williams in here."

Bau nods, not even looking surprised for a second. He pulls his Phalanx in a swift motion, iron-clad Spectre composure already having him barking into his omni-tool for a lockdown.

Kaidan rushes back into Shepard. She's crawled shakily out of bed, wavering on the spot. She eyes the maggots still squirming in the vomit soaked bed with revulsion.

He crosses to her, wrapping his arms around her. She shakes.

"What the fuck is that?" she snarls. "Why the fuck would someone send me that?"

"I don't know," he says, rage in every syllable. "But I'm going to find out. I promise you."

Shepard nods, and finally pushes him away, stumbling to the visitor's chair. "I'm alright. My stomach isn't. But I'm OK."

Kaidan bends, and picks up the fallen note.

Written is spidery scrawled words, probably penned with the aid of VI to prevent tracing.

* * *

_"Commander Shepard,_

_I'm your number one fan. I simply adore you. I was saddened to hear of your injury, but if you lie down with dogs, you do come up with fleas._

_I've watched you. I've seen you move around your apartment. Naked after the shower, your body dripping. I've seen you let that man touch you. I don't understand. You're so much more. You should remain pure. I'm sure you'll understand why I watched. You windows are so very open. You practically invited me in. I think you wanted me to see, to make me jealous. I think you imagine me as Alenko touches you. _

_I hate him. I hate what he does to you. Please, you must leave him. He's poison. He will die, if that's what it takes to make you see reason._

_I don't want to hurt you, but I will if you continue to disobey me. We must all make sacrifices for the greater good. _

_You're an icon. Thousands of years will pass and you will surpass Jesus as a figure to worship. But you'll have no phony claim to divinity. You've touched the minds of gods, and come away the victor. You've faced more than anyone in recorded history. _

_You have no equal, except for me. _

_You will learn to see this. I listened to your warnings about the Reapers. I took you seriously. When you died I was devastated but I knew Death couldn't hold you and you would be reborn even greater._

_As soon as I realized how special you were, I learned all I could about you. I would have saved you as a child if I could have. I would have saved your brother._

_Please. Stop this nonsense. Come to me._

_Yours faithfully,_

_an ardent admirer."_

* * *

Kaidan nearly turns and vomits his whiskey and greasy food onto the bed as well, but he stows it down, shaking with fury.

_I'm going to kill him_, he thinks. _I'm going to murder whoever is watching her, slowly and painfully. _

"Kaidan?" Shepard says, alarmed as he begins flaring, the blue washing the room with a sickly glow. "What does it say? You know I can't read very well."

"Nothing," he croaks. "I'll take care of it. Come on, I'm getting you out of this room."

He takes her gently under the elbow, and she wraps an arm around his waist. They leave the maggots behind, to find a nurse and a clean room.

"Kaidan? I think I would like it very much if you sneaked in my N7 Eagle pistol, please. And my really good amp. And my holster with the thermal clips in there."

"I'll bring them first thing tomorrow."


	5. Chapter 5

"OK, Ma. Do it. Peg the orange at my head, as hard as you can."

Kaidan pauses before he enters the hospital room, listening to Shepard goad his mother.

"Shepard, sweetheart, I'm not throwing an orange at you," his mom protests.

"We've talked about this, remember?" Shepard says patiently, but he can hear an undercurrent of annoyance in her tone. "You've gotta throw stuff at me when I ask, Mrs. Alenko."

Kaidan smiles to himself. That's pulling out the big guns. From the moment they met, and his mother decided she loved Shepard, she's insisted on treating Shepard like an actual daughter. He knows deep down that Shepard loves it, the fussing, and especially the spoiling. It's novel for her. She never had a proper mother. But he also knows Shepard uses it subtly against Ma. A pointed 'Mrs. Alenko' usually has his mother having kittens, and is a clear sign that Shepard is pissed off.

His mother couldn't have any more children after Kaidan. He doesn't know if it was a fertility issue… or that she just didn't want to risk the problems she and his father had with Kaidan. The biotics, the doctor's appointments, the shadowy organization dragging her son away to a summer camp of horrors.

He suspects Shepard is the daughter she always wanted... if an unconventional one.

"Oh, Shepard, please don't call me that," his mom predictably replies. "I prefer Ma from you."

"Then throw the damn orange, Ma."

Kaidan pushes open the door, just in time to see his mother throw an orange as hard as she can at his wife's head. His Ma still swims three times a week, and toils on the orchard with the workers. It's not an inconsiderable amount of force.

There's a flash of blue light, and the deflected orange squishes against the window, its insides burst open, sliding thickly down the glass.

"Not bad," he says, even though he knows it's a poor display compared to Shepard at full strength. The orange would have shattered the window if she had her Prodigy amp in. They'd run by her doctor installing her usual military grade amp this morning, but he had vetoed the idea, and Shepard had been stuck with her civilian one.

He'd barely seen her look so miserable, but while he had gone to collect her pistol she had obviously channeled her disappointment into action.

Kaidan had felt sick as he had showered in the apartment this morning, and not just from his hangover and their ruined house. After he saw his little present last night, it seemed to Kaidan that Shepard's stalker was stepping up his game.

He didn't know what he'd do if he lost her.

At least the windows were fixed. Kaidan had made sure they installed specially coated glass this time, bullet proof and opaque from the outside.

"Thanks," Shepard responds, smiling at him as he pads further into the room. It's false. She knows as well as he does that her powers wouldn't last long in a real fight.

"Here," he says, handing her weapon bag over. "Your Eagle pistol and thermal clips. I fully loaded it already, and added some mods. Should pack a punch. I brought your concealed holster, too."

She takes them. Ma makes a weird muffled cough when heedless of presentation, Shepard hoists up Kaidan's shirt she's using as a nightgown. Her bare thigh looks pallid in the early morning light as she straps the holster around it.

Kaidan grins, and unable to resist, leans forward and pulls her thigh flush around his hips, his hand sliding around the back of her knee, stroking the soft skin there. She laughs as she nearly topples over, but he steadies her with an arm also wrapped around her waist.

"My, my, Mrs. Alenko," he whispers huskily against her ear. She giggles, and her hair tickles his nose. "You are rather seductive this morning. You know I love it when you strap deadly weapons around those legs of yours."

Shepard smiles that dangerous fox grin of hers. "Hmm," she says, the hum merely a low vibration in her throat. He feels it all the way down to places that are very much missing her. Her breasts press up against his chest, unbearably soft and warm. She strains against him, molding her body to his and then her hands drift up and skim the back of his neck, tracing his amp port.

"It's all my master plan," she croons, looking up at him with heavily lidded eyes. "I'm gonna get you kicked out by a shocked nurse. And then run away with Jimmy to play blackjack all day long."

He laughs huskily and kisses the skin at her neck. Her whole body shivers.

He runs his hand high on her thigh, over the weapon strap and is just about to lean down and kiss her lips for good measure when-

"Kaidan Alenko! You stop that this instant."

Shepard giggles and shoves him away as Ma stomps over and hits him on the shoulder with a blanket she had just been folding.

"Honestly, Kaidan. She's an injured woman. I don't know what games you two play, but Casimir and I were never so brazen. A nurse could walk in and see you at any moment, not to mention your own mother standing here. Have you ever heard of getting a room? It's not a new concept," she huffs, rolling her dark eyes with upmost disgust.

Kaidan flushes, cursing the whiskey still flowing through his veins for lowering his inhibitions. Shepard doesn't even seem to care, biting her lip in a self-satisfied way as his mother gapes at them.

He is _sure_ Shepard enjoys it, actually.

"Sorry, Ma," he says, rubbing the back of his neck. "I, uh, yeah… sorry."

"Anyway!" Shepard says bracingly, pulling her shirt back down, and climbing back into bed. She looks a bit pale, so his mother bustles around rearranging her oxygen cannula on her face. "Now that I'm sorted, what are you up to today?"

"I'm going into interrogation with Ash," Kaidan answers, moving to the side of her bed.

"James wants to tag along," Shepard says. "He wanted to see how Spectres handle it. Take him along, would you? It's good training for N7."

"Shepard… I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Why not?" she demands. "It's like a 'bring your kid to work' day. He gets valuable experience, and you get some big muscley guy scaring the shit out of one of the assholes who tried to kill me."

"Probably couldn't keep him away anyway," he mutters, and then shrugs.

She's right. It's not exactly Alliance or Spectre protocol, but James has a good head on his shoulders, and is an excellent intimidation technique. He looks like the roughest, toughest marine out there, tattooed and massive, but the illusion is ruined for Kaidan after seeing him gently place a silly pink teddy bear in Shepard's arm. He knows James has a very soft heart that he hides at all costs, not altogether dissimilar from his wife, he thinks with sigh. Probably why they get along so well.

"You be careful alright, LT?" Shepard says, frowning. His heart clenches at her use of his pet name. "This dude could be after you, too. And I really don't think I'm in the condition to save everyone's asses this time."

He bends down and presses their missed kiss to her lips. She holds her palms to either side of his face, and kisses him fiercely back. Her lips are slightly dry and chapped, but they feel like the best thing to Kaidan right then. Her hands fist in his hair, and he almost has to physically tear himself away from her.

"I'll be back later, alright?" he says, trying to walk away from her. "Don't open anything. If anyone walks in the room that you don't know, throw them through the wall, OK?"

"Gotcha. I'm not an idiot just because I've been out of the killing game for a while and I'd appreciate, _honey_, that you didn't treat me like one."

Kaidan winces. Ma makes another awkward little cough, and picks fluff off the blanket.

When Shepard breaks out any other pet name aside from LT or sweetheart, he knows he's in a lot of trouble.

"Sorry, Shepard. Of course. I'm just…"

Her face softens a little.

He's aware he's being overprotective and probably a little overbearing, but isn't able to stop himself.

"What if it's a nurse?" Shepard says, her eyebrows arched in question. "Shall I throw poor Florence Nightingale through the wall, too, and really cement my reputation as an unstable old warhorse?"

"I've made sure you only have your usual rotation, and Dr. Jedan. Nobody should be here who you haven't met before."

She nods. "Ma and I are gonna throw oranges around the room, and stuff. Really exciting." She rolls her eyes. "Sure you can't break me out?"

"Actually, Shepard," Ma cuts in. "I was hoping we could have a little chat about my niece. I've been dying to tell you about her little boy. You haven't met them yet, spends most of the year in Singapore. He's only three years old, but so smart! Maybe another Alliance man. Reminds me of Kaidan actually, when he was a boy. He had this curly mop of hair that just-"

Shepard's face shutters.

"Mom, can I have a word with you outside, please? I'll see you later, Shep."

She waves, and rolls over, curling into a ball as she hoist the blankets up to her shoulders. She doesn't give their usual 'I love you' morning call.

His mother steps outside and he follows. She raises her eyebrows expectantly.

"Shepard is rather grumpy this morning, Kaidan. Of course I would be, too." She shudders. "Of all the awful things, maggots."

Kaidan nods. "I know. That's why you've got to give her some space, alright? No baby talk."

"I wasn't-"

"Ma, you were. Don't, OK? Nag me all you want, but please leave Shepard out of it."

His mother huffs a little. "Well, really, Kaidan. You can't expect me not to be curious. She's…"

"What?"

"Well, she'd make such a good little mother," she bursts out, and Kaidan rolls his eyes, sighing.

"Ma, this isn't the 1940s, what does that even mean?!"

"No, no, hear me out," she tells him, and he crosses his arms, looking at the time on his omni-tool.

He needs to get moving to meet Ash and James at the embassies.

"You're so good with kids, Kaidan. I half expected an announcement every month after the wedding. Clearly you have no trouble in the affection department. Casimir always wanted you to have a family, a proper home, nice things. You've spent half your life in space. I despaired I'd ever see you settle down, and then you bring me home that wonderful woman in there and I just-"

"Ma, I do have nice things. I have her. Stop. Or I'm going to have to ask you to leave, and no one wants that. You upset her."

His mother's face looks stricken for a moment. "I didn't mean to, of course. You're right. I got carried away. You won't hear another word from me about it."

"Thanks. I gotta run, alright?"

He leans forward and presses a quick kiss to her cheek.

"Be careful, Kaidan," she says as he jogs down the hall.

"I will be!"

* * *

Ash watches Kaidan stalk across the auditorium, his expression gloomy. James walks at his side, dressed in his customary tight shirt and Alliance issue pants. She leans back on the water cooler for a second and admires the view.

Who said there weren't fringe benefits when you joined the Alliance?

"You got our perp all ready to go, Williams?" Kaidan asks as he draws closer. Ash blinks at his formal tone. 'Williams' is usually only used in the field, in front of suspects or other Spectres.

Ash fixes her professional mask on. "Yes, Alenko. He's in room four. Cuffed and jumpy. Not sure we're going to get anything out of him. Forensics is hitting a blank on the weapons match. Serial numbers are filed off, or they're just stolen Alliance issue weapons. After the war, it's impossible to trace every single one. Too many dead. Too many scavengers." She jerks her head towards James. "What's with the spare?"

"Hey, nice to see you, too, Ash." James says, clearly stung.

"Sorry," she says. "Didn't mean it like that."

"Lieutenant Vega is going to be watching from the observation room," Kaidan says, obviously not in the mood for small talk as he stalks towards to interview room.

"Alright, just wondering," Ash says, raising her eyebrows at James as they trail behind Kaidan.

James shrugs and whispers under his breath so Kaidan can't hear, "He's jumpy about Lola still. And hungover. That one was my fault."

"So you _were_ the one who drunk-dialed me," she accuses, winking at him. "Knew it wasn't Kaidan."

"What can I say, _cariño_? I thought I would have trouble sleeping and my teddy bear wasn't gonna cut it."

Ash smothers an inappropriate giggle. She determinedly ignores the flutter in her chest, and the way her cheeks won't stop heating. "Yeah, well. Next time you ring me so late, you better hope your teddy bear will protect you from me shoving my boot up your ass."

"Promises, promises." He smirks at her.

"If you two are done flirting, I would like to try and solve my wife's attempted assassination and stalking. But you know, if you have better things to do…" Kaidan cuts in, and Ash's eyes widen at his tone.

"Alenko, it's five seconds."

"Five seconds in which more maggots could be delivered to her bedside. Maybe next time they'll smother her in her sleep and I won't be there to stop it because I'm stuck here watching you two make goo-goo eyes."

Ash gapes at him, taken-aback. Kaidan is rarely short with _anyone_, let alone her.

"Sorry, Kaidan," James mutters, shamefaced. He enters the observation room, and Ash shuts it behind him, trying to ignore the slump to his shoulders.

Just before Kaidan pulls open the interview room door, she slams it shut again.

"You listen to me, LT," she whispers quietly, and his eyes flicker away at the nickname. Shepard's not the only one with tricks.

"You think you're the only one worried? No. We all are. I raced over to the hospital as soon as I heard this morning. I've barely stopped thinking about the case for a second. I know you're angry. I know you're upset. I saw the letter and I know you haven't told Shepard what's in it."

Kaidan pulls away from her, running a hand through his hair. "She doesn't need to see that."

He takes a deep breath, and she lets him gather his composure before she continues.

"I know you have Spectre and rank superiority and you can run this case how you like, but you will not pull this repressed, angsty bullshit with me. She may be your wife, but she's my best friend, too. You are my partner. Not my boss. And you aren't Jimmy's boss either. He's here as a favor to Shepard. Because he cares, like we all do."

Kaidan pauses. "I'm sorry, Ash."

"That's OK. You can apologize to James later. I know you're worried out of your mind," she says, lightly squeezing his arm. "Now let's go in there and kick some ass."

* * *

"Jonah Burke. Forty-five years old. Unemployed. Dishonorably discharged from the Alliance fifteen years ago for poor conduct," Ash rattles off, reading from the file on her omni-tool. Kaidan crosses his arms in the seat beside her, and glares at the merc cuffed in the chair across the table from the two Spectres.

"You have criminal history. You were arrested for sexual assault and battery post your ignoble Alliance career, but got out five years ago on good behavior. You immediately disappeared into the Terminus system, where apparently, you have been making a living as a scummy merc. Sound about right?"

"Yup," Burke answers. "Sounds right. I took the job on the Shepard woman to make some money. Ain't nothin' more to it, sweetheart."

"Who promised payment?" Kaidan asks, leaning forward. "How many creds?"

"Listen here, son," Burkes says, smirking at him. His teeth are yellow and black. "You're gonna have to do better than that if you expect me to talk. And don't bother with the good cop routine. I've seen 'em all."

"OK, we'll start off simple, then." Ash says, trying to diffuse the anger making itself known in every age line on Kaidan's face. "What was the objective?"

"We were told to kidnap her," Burke says, shrugging. He clinks his cuffs together behind his back. "Was promised a bonus for any juicy things. It's why I tried to go for her lacy panties. Worth one hundred creds a pop, those things. I was gonna keep one, just for a bit of comfort late at night, though. My sock is getting all crusty."

Kaidan makes a strange, stunted motion in his seat, as if barely preventing himself from leaping across and choking the life from Burke.

Ash puts her foot on his under the table, not even glancing at him.

_Calm down_, she tries to tell him without words.

Burke smiles at Kaidan, pursing his lips and blowing him a mock kiss. "I think some of my buddies made off with her rings. Good on them. They were worth like one-thousand creds alone."

"You sonovabitch," Kaidan snarls, and Ash groans.

"Kaidan…" she warns.

"Kaidan?" the merc says, his face brightening. "Kaidan _Alenko_?"

He rocks back in his seat, looking at the room with new eyes. "That's right. You're the Spectre. Couldn't resist jumping into little ole' me's interrogation. Oh, you poor bastard. You're the husband, ain't ya? Oh ho ho," he laughs huskily. "The things we had planned for your dear little wife. If I was you, son, I'd take her far away. The man who hired me has very deep pockets. Very deep."

Kaidan stands abruptly, beginning to pace, and Ash instantly knows it was a terrible idea to allow him in here. He has zero impartibility.

"Alright, enough. You've made your point," Ash barks at Burke. "You've failed your employer. You owe no loyalty to him. Tell us, and we might be able to cut some deal to get your sentence reduced."

"OK, sweetheart," he says, leaning forward and leering at her chest. "Promise you'll go to bat for me and I'll tell ya what I know."

"Done," Ash responds instantly, her voice measured and calm. She's been in the Spectres for over a year now, and if he thought he was going to rattle her, he was very much mistaken. Spectres were the ideal. She's faced down _Reapers_ without blinking, for god's sake. "Tell us."

"I know sweet fuck all about him. Well, not much anyway."

He laughs uproariously in their faces. Kaidan makes a furious noise in the back of his throat, and Ash's heart sinks a little.

"You stupid bitch," Burke spits. "We were hired over the extranet. Just a ragged mob of desperate men lookin' for creds. We didn't even know it was Commander Shepard until we were already hitting the house. Thought it was a look-alike. That the boss just called her Shepard as shorthand or something. I dunno. Thought some random woman was being stalked for her face, not the real deal. Shoulda done our goddamn research, I guess."

"All we were told was the target was a biotic, and she'd needed to be disabled before we took her in. My boss got the bright idea of shooting her in the leg, but the shot went wide and smacked her right in the arm. Nicked something major by the look of all the blood in that kitchen of hers," he says, an air of supreme nonchalance on his face.

He licks his lips lasciviously as he gazes at Ash. He doesn't care that she almost bled out in her kitchen. Almost died in a home she'd struggled and clawed to finally be able to relax in. To feel _safe_ in.

Ash takes a deep breath, suppressing her rage, and asks god for the strength to not reach for her gun and just shoot him.

"Hey!" Kaidan barks. "Her eyes are on her face."

Ash shoots him a quelling look, but he doesn't sit back down.

"How did you know she would be alone?" Ash asks, fiddling with her omni-tool to make double sure it's recording every word. "She doesn't live alone."

"Just before we hit we were given detailed schedules of her activity, as well as Alenko's here," Burke says, gesturing to Kaidan. "We had photographs, and plans drawn up, showing the windows as a weak point, and that she would be alone. Hell of a lot of planning went into it by the looks of them. I dunno, had to be months of data, all gathered by one person. Boss had a look at 'em. Apparently the only unknown, and the damn thing that prevented us either accidentally killing her or succeeding in kidnapping her, was that big marine showing up unexpectedly. Got a lot of our boys killed."

There's a pause as Ash taps on her 'tool, taking notes. Burke's gaze wanders, looking bored, and Kaidan continues to pace like a caged wild animal. Ash wishes he would claw back some of his control. He's like a completely different man from his usual interview persona.

"How were you hired over the extranet?" she asks after a few minutes. She frowns. It's a rather public way to hire mercs, but also the most secure.

"Mailing lists, mostly. Bulletin boards. There's always jobs goin'. Hit on an unfaithful wife there. Kidnapping here. Drug run over there. It's easy enough if you look around." He smiles, showing his rotten teeth again. "Funny enough, this one originated from some fansite forum."

"How?" Kaidan asks, voice rough and uncompromising. "They wouldn't host something blatantly illegal and expect to keep running."

"You'd surprised. This is one of those nasty ones. Full on actors and everything."

"Actors?" Kaidan asks. His eyebrows are furrowed, and Ash suddenly thinks he looks hawkish.

"Yeah, you know." Burke grins. "To play Shepard's part. Thanks to it I've seen her take it-"

"Don't," Kaidan snarls. "Just don't."

Burke shrugs. "Suit yourself. Bet she never did the things for you I saw her do for that turian. Anyway, there was a topic about it. A call for some men to put together a job, promising good money. My boss stumbled upon it. Thought he'd make some easy creds on some poor Shepard look-alike. Didn't know it was the real deal. Contacted him through an extranet address."

"What address?" Kaidan manages through clenched teeth.

"Don't know, do I?" The merc shrugs expansively. "I don't set up the jobs. I'm just the muscle. I'll tell ya the site though, if you shave another year off my sentence."

"Done," Ash says, well-aware she's lying. She can't actually influence prosecution, more like make suggestions. _But Burke doesn't need to know that_, she thinks, smoothing her face of a smirk.

"It was 'shepardsnumberonefan', all one word, got it? I think it has a different admin now, trying to clean it up. Lotta the porn taken off, forums shut down. Damn shame. The new admin must have bought off the other one or something. Heard he does it to a lot of the more… risky Shepard fan sites. Fucking do-gooder."

Ash glances at Kaidan, silently communicating that they at least have some lead to go on. She stands, and moves towards the door, already planning her afternoon of chasing down extranet site admins, freezing assets, and conducting arrests.

She gives small smirk. Perks of being a Spectre. No damn arrest warrants to process.

She turns at the door as she notes Kaidan isn't following her, but rather boring a hole in the merc's head with the force of his gaze. He seems rooted to the spot, his fists clenched tightly at his sides.

"Crying shame the job didn't work out," Burke mutters. "I had some ideas for that money."

"Shut up," Kaidan says, and she's never heard his voice sound like that. He doesn't even look like Kaidan anymore.

"Whatcha gonna do, _Spectre_?"

The word is practically a curse, and meant to goad Kaidan.

"_Everyone_ knows you play by the rules. You got no balls. That's why we were gonna take your pretty little bitch of a wife and take our turns fucking her senseless before we turned her over to the person who hired us."

Burke smirks again, his smell of body odor and rot permeating the room.

"'Least, I was. I was just gonna show her a good time. That was all. Wouldn't hurt her a bit. In fact, I think she might have liked it. Crazy bitch like her. Everyone knows she went nuts after the war, lost her edge."

There's a heavy pause in the room, electricity arching in the very molecules. Kaidan is practically vibrating with rage. His fist sparks with dark energy.

"Alenko, he's baiting you," Ash barks. "We're in control of this interview, and we're leaving. Not him."

"You know, there were a lot of things wrong in what you just said to me," Kaidan says quietly. "But you know the thing that you're most mistaken about?"

Burke smiles, looking almost indecently amused. "What's that, Spectre?"

Kaidan lunges across the table, overturning the whole thing. Before she can stop him, he's on Burke, driving his fist into his face. Blood spatters over the ground. He's too far gone to even bother with biotics.

Ash's eyes widen for a fraction before she springs into action.

_God in heaven, Kaidan._

"Alenko! Stop!" Ash yells, attempting to pull him off to no avail. Kaidan isn't a small man, and while Ash is just as strong as him, rage makes him more dangerous.

Burke's nose shatters. Kaidan's knuckles are raw. Blood spatters Ash's face as she tries to get in between them. She never realized how strong Kaidan was before, always overlooked that he's a trained killer. Puppy dog eyes, and his quiet, almost shy nature had fooled her into thinking he didn't have claws.

She's made a big mistake letting him in the same room with Burke, she knows this now as Burke's jaw dislocates.

"Kaidan!" she yells again. "Cut it out!"

He hits Burke again, his face red. She has never, ever seen him so angry. It's almost frightening.

James chooses to burst in at that moment.

"Kaidan, man! Get off him," he yells, and hauls him physically off, his muscles bulging to restrain him.

"Your biggest mistake was thinking I follow the rules when it comes to her, Burke!" Kaidan roars.

Ash is never at a loss. She holds it together. She's the stable one of the group. She's fiery, sure, but she never blinks at her friend's antics or flinches when a Reaper tells her it's going to kill her.

In that moment she's stunned. He's usually such a quiet guy…

"Let me go, Jimmy!" Kaidan yells at James who wraps his arms around him more firmly. "Let me go! I would let you go!"

"You wouldn't!" James yells back. "Because you're a better man than that. Shepard knows you're a better man than that! Don't be like my old man. When you go to that oak tree, will you still be able to hold your head high? Huh? If you kill him now?" James gives Kaidan a shake. "Will you?"

Kaidan finally goes limp in James' arms.

"Come on, Major_,_" James mutters. "Come on. Let's go get you patched up."

Ash can see that Kaidan's hands are ruined, at least three fingers broken, and bent oddly. He doesn't even seem to notice or feel the pain.

Ash numbly calls for medical attention, overwhelmingly grateful it looks like Kaidan hasn't killed Burke. She thought for a moment he had. Burke lies groaning on the floor, blood all over his face.

James pats Kaidan on the back. "Let it go, _cuate_."

Kaidan's face is downturned, she can't even see it. James leads him out of the room, leaving Ash to cleanup duty.

"Well, shit," she mumbles.

Burke gives another wet groan.

* * *

"So much for good cop! That was completely unacceptable," Ash says, storming into the human Spectre office after bundling Burke off to the holding cell med bay. "What the hell was _that_?!"

Kaidan is sat at his desk, James bandaging his hands.

"What would you do, Ash?" he says quietly. "I'm sorry I lost it."

He pauses and then looks up at her. "You know what? I'm not. He's scum who would have raped-"

He cuts himself off, visibly trying to bottle down his rage. "She was hurt. She was alone. If James hadn't been there-"

"I don't care, Alenko," Ash says, knowing she needs to be rational and cold. To be the one to distance herself, and look at the facts, the numbers. "He was _baiting_ you. It's classical psychological warfare. You taught me that, for fuck's sake!"

Kaidan shakes his head, and despite his denial she can see from the stricken look on his face he knows he did the wrong thing. Knows he let himself lose it.

She knows just how much stress he must be under to even dream about showing so much emotion, or lose control.

"You're off the case, Alenko. James and I will work it."

His head jerks up. "No way."

"Yes," she fires back. "You're not yourself. This is too close. I thought you could handle it. You never lost it like this in the war, but it's obvious you've left the Major and Commander relationship far behind." An idea trickles into the back of her mind. "You don't think of her as a soldier anymore, do you?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Kaidan says, frowning fiercely. "Of course I do. I respect her skills highly. I'd follow her orders in a heartbeat. To hell and back."

James shifts, clearly uncomfortable beside him. He looks torn between Ash and Kaidan, not sure who to support.

"Yes, you do. But when you look at her now, you just see your wife," Ash argues, pacing further into the room and slamming notes she'd printed from her omni-tool onto the desk.

"You've had a year to become used to the idea that she's going to grow old with you. That she's not going to die at twenty-nine. That you'd lie down in bed with her every night, and not have to worry if Reapers would take all of us out tomorrow. And now this whole thing has sent you spinning, and I can't have you working the case like that. She's not just another soldier to you anymore…"

She nods, remembering Virmire, and the way Shepard's hands had shaken as she had picked him up after being shot. The way he had lingered at her side during debriefings, the way his eyes followed her across the room, or the way he had always helped her up the step in the Mako. How he had drunk so much after she died, looking like the light had gone from his life. How rocked he'd been by Horizon, and then been so happy after they had finally gotten back together in the middle of the galaxy burning.

The way he had sat beside her hospital bed with tears running down his nose silently as the doctor's had told him the Crucible had fried half her cybernetics and she would never be the same again. That she'd be a vegetable, wouldn't walk, talk, have children, or hold a gun again, even feed herself. That the life support should be turned off.

How he'd been with her every damn step of the way and proved them wrong. How he'd painstakingly set their house up for her, carried her down from the stairs when she couldn't walk without crying from the agony. Practically gave every single part of himself into making her better.

"And maybe she never was," Ash finishes. "I see that now."

"I'm a Spectre," he says flatly. "You can't keep me off it, Williams."

"Don't 'Williams' me. I want you to take the rest of the day off. James and I will handle this. Go spend time with Shepard. Tell her you love her. I don't want to see you back here. We'll discuss this tomorrow."

James nods. "Go home, man. Go fix your home up. Go take some time. See how you feel later, alright?"

Kaidan places his head in his hands, obviously knowing he's beat. He snatches his jacket from his chair, and slams the door shut behind him as he leaves.

Ash sighs, knowing she played bad cop there, but satisfied she did that right thing.

"So, what now?" James asks, turning to her.

"Now, Jimmy, we find ourselves a creepy extranet dude and smash his damn door in."

She flicks her ponytail over her shoulder as she settles in at her desk, and quickly logs on to the Spectre search protocols, opening the extranet up to her.

James perches on the desk beside her, and she tries to ignore his close proximity, the way his spicy, homely scent sets her heart racing again, far harder than the entire confrontation with Kaidan.

Her sisters would laugh their asses off at her, she's sure. Sar especially.

He leans further in. "You know," he whispers. "You were hella sexy in that room. You didn't even blink when that _cabrón _was eyeballin' you. You're really tough, you know that?"

Ash looks up at him and smirks, running her eyes down his body. "Well, James, wouldn't be the first _cabrón _that eyeballed me, now, would it? In fact, I think you're eyballin' me right now."

"Not creepy like him, though. I don't think of you like that. You're beautiful, not just sexy."

The room seems very hushed to her in that moment, as James' gaze heats. The sounds from the embassies and other offices fade.

"Besides, that's a very serious assumption there, ma'am." he whispers, his face moving closer to hers. "Maybe I was just thinking really hard and my eyes happened to land on your face."

"I'm a very serious woman," she breathes. "I think I know when you're looking at me."

James' hand drifts to her jaw line, gently rubbing his thumb across the bone. "How is it, every time I see you, you just get more beautiful?"

"James," she says, her voice barely a hoarse whisper. His lips stop inches from hers, their breath mingling. "Never thought I'd miss the time we shared in the middle of a war. But I have."

_He has such nice eyes_, she thinks incongruous to the charged moment.

Her console beeps with a hit on the admin, and James springs back from her as if burned.

Ash flushes as he clears his throat, pink on his own cheeks.

"W-we got a hit," she stammers, turning back to her console. "Holy shit," she gasps as she reads the data.

"What?" James asks, alarm in every syllable. Their flirtations are forgotten in the urgency of Shepard's case.

"The new admin? The one that started cleaning up the site? It's Conrad Verner. It says here he took it over about a month ago."

"Fuck! Lola is gonna freak. She said he saved her life during the war." James shrugs, and then amends, "Well, tried to, anyway. She thought he was OK."

Ash frowns, scrolling further. "No, hang on. He can't be our guy. He's shutting down the creepy stuff. Burke said that the operation looked to have been planned for months and months. Verner only took over a month ago."

"So it's not him?"

"Maybe. I don't know. Still could be, guy was always nutty as a fruitcake. I was there when Skipper first met him, you know. But he always seemed to have his heart in the right place. Despite the, uh, general creepiness."

Ash stands abruptly, starting to pull on her Spectre armor over her casual uniform. "You know what? He has an apartment here on the Citadel. Let's go pay him a visit."

"Read my mind, _cariño,_" James responds, patting his rock-hard biceps. "I got two sisters here who are dying to go a little crazy like Kaidan."

"James…" she warns, and he nods.

"I know, I know. Not a laughing matter. I'm gonna talk to Lola later tonight. I think I'll rat Kaidan out to her. He got pretty heavy last night. I think he needs her to slap some sense into him. Dude's gonna explode one of these days. You can't bottle feelings up like he does and not expect to go a little _loco_."

"Yeah, well. I think the 'loco' did explode today. He'll be OK once he cools off, he always is. Kaidan's nothing but reliable."

"We gonna tell him about Conrad?"

"Nope. We are not," she sing-songs, opening the door for James and leading the way out. "Let's not risk Verner ending up with a broken jaw, a broken collarbone, and a missing set of teeth. Oh and smashed nose that will forever make him sound like a volus with lung cancer."


	6. Chapter 6

Kaidan slides open the door to his and Shepard's apartment and tries to ignore the fury coursing through him, the pounding of his heart that makes his hands shake. He takes deep breaths and feels a strange sort of calm steal over him. It's not a gentle calm. Not rest; not an escape from the low buzz of worry that's been swimming in his skull since he first took the comm call in his office, and found out about Shepard. But it's… something. Something that doesn't have visions of beating Burke into a messy pulp playing in his mind, over and over. The horrible picture of what would have happened to her if he hadn't made it in time…

He has to take more deep breaths then. _She's a soldier. She's a soldier_, he tells himself.

She was a soldier when the SR-1 went down. A soldier when the Crucible tested her. A soldier when he married her.

Ash is right.

His boots crunch on the shattered glass of their decorative wall. He pauses, looking down at the fractured parts of a whole, twinkling in the light from the Strip, almost like a sparkling sunset over English Bay. Some days, if he squints, he can pretend the iridescent lights outside aren't unnatural neon, but light refracting from a gentle, burnt orange sun.

He looks away from the glass after a long moment, and crosses to the storage cupboard, grabbing a broom and a disposable bag. Slowly, he cleans all the glass away, and then pads into the kitchen.

Pools of Shepard's dried blood greet him. He takes off his jacket, rolls his sleeves up, fills a bucket of bleach and hot soapy water, and gets on his knees to scrub it away.

The brush he uses is harsh, as is the cleaning mixture, and it soon rubs his hands raw and red.

They scream in agony, already painful before the bleach.

_Burke deserved it. He deserved it and more than he got, _he thinks, scrubbing harder.

The bones in his fingers grind painfully together, and he knows he needs proper medical attention.

For some reason, he doesn't want to head to Huerta and face her. Bright, beautiful Shepard with her kind eyes who see right through him.

Shame is hot and sickly in his throat.

His eyes sting. He tells himself it's just the cleaning mixture, not the sight of his wife's spilled blood on their cherry red kitchen cabinets.

The wedding ring on his finger has blood smeared on it. He can't tell if it's Burke's, Shepard's, or his own.

He can't do this anymore.

* * *

Ash pounds on the small apartment door with her fist. "Conrad! Conrad Verner?"

It slides open and Conrad Verner in all his bright blonde glory stands there, blinking owlishly in the light.

"Yes? Can I help you?" he asks, frowning at Ash, then looking mildly alarmed at the sight of James behind her. James does nothing to dissuade his fear, merely scowling harder, his brows drawn low.

Ash thinks he makes an impressive attack dog. Better than Kaidan at any rate.

_Well_, she mentally amends, _unless he's standing in the way of Shepard and danger._ Then Kaidan is the most aggressive guard dog around. Today was proof enough.

"You can. Ashley Williams, Spectre. You can start by letting us in and answering a few of our questions," Ash responds.

Conrad purses his lips. "Williams… Ashley. Oh! I know you. You're Commader Shepard's friend! You were with her a lot when I met her."

"Yes, Conrad. I served under Shepard. Can you let us in now?" Ash says again, a hard, tense line in her shoulders. She carefully doesn't palm her gun, playing it cool. She doubts Conrad is who they're after, but she can't afford to let her guard down. There's no guarantees.

She's studied the statistics. Numerous kidnap victims often had prior relationships, or acquaintances with the kidnapper. Fixation encouraged the perpetrator to get close to the victim in some way, insinuated themselves into their lives. Often, it only escalated over time, exploding into violence and/or sexual assault.

Judging by the details in the stalker's letter, he knows Shepard well, or has a least researched her extensively. Shepard's background on Earth in poverty isn't as well known as her military exploits. She prefers to bury that part of her past as best she can.

"O-oh, of course," he stammers and steps aside to let them in, leading the way down the short hall.

James raises his eyebrows at her and whispers, "I'm ready for anything, Ash. Say the word."

She crosses the threshold, and pads down the hall, entering into a small living room.

It's not what she expected. It's… neat, and normal. A huge TV still plays a bioti-ball game, but Conrad notes her gaze, and switches it off, glancing between her and James nervously.

"It's j-just my day off work. Was watching the game. You know how it is," Conrad says and then coughs. "So, um, what can I help you with?"

"You run 'shepardsnumberonefan'?" Ash asks.

"Yes, ma'am. I do," he says, smiling proudly. "I'm turning it into the number one fansite for Shepard memorabilia and facts. I think someone like her deserves to be remembered."

"Does she need to be remembered by being immortalized in seedy porn with cheap knockoff actors?" James snarls.

Conrad blanches. "No! No! Never. I would never- It's not like that at all. I've taken all that stuff down. It's kinda like a side hobby of mine."

"What?" Ash asks, frowning. "Cleaning up the extranet? You have to know that will never work. There's millions of Shepard sites alone."

"I know. But I came into some creds after my mother died, and well, I wanted to repay Shepard somehow for all she's done for me, and the galaxy. So I buy out the bigger, more… disrespectful sites and turn them around."

"_Conrad_," Ash says, surprised. "That must cost you a fortune. Huge extranet sites aren't cheap."

Conrad shrugs. "I know. I'm kinda rich now, though. Plus my job pays well."

Ash looks at him for a long moment. "_You're_ rich?"

"Yeah. My mother was loaded. I work for the Council now doing research into dark energy and xenobiology." His face goes a little red. "They pay me well. Especially since I helped Commander Shepard with some information on the Crucible. I think she passed along a recommendation to them."

James looks at Ash, silently asking her if she buys that. She watches Conrad closely but can't detect a lie in what he says. He's nervous, but doesn't seem to be concealing any information.

"You won't mind if we look around, will you, Conrad?" she says.

"Oh no!" he waves her towards the back. "Go ahead. I don't mind."

"James, watch him."

Ash paces warily into the back rooms, finding nothing but the model of bland suburban living in each one. She doesn't know what she was expecting; maybe some kind of creepy shine to Shepard, but it isn't this. He just looks like a normal guy, if a bit dweeby.

In his bedroom, she palms open the wardrobe door, and finds the first hint to the creepiness she mentioned to James.

Inside is a large poster of Shepard, but surprisingly, it's really rather nice and tasteful. She's smiling in her armor, perched on some stairs in the Wards. Ash can tell it was taken four years ago, because she recognizes the armor as what Shepard used to wear on the SR-1. She can just make out Kaidan's big head cutting in from the side, and instantly knows exactly where it was taken. In that little market right near Chora's Den. She doesn't remember how Conrad got Shepard to pose, but remembers that Shepard was laughing at Kaidan's sour face behind Conrad's back.

A bright white flower that she doesn't recognize is stuck to the poster. Ash gives it an experimental sniff and realizes it smells exactly the way Shepard's hair does after a shower.

"OK, that's weird," she mumbles. "Little creepy there, Conrad."

She shoves Conrad's clothes aside, but finds nothing further of note, not even any candles. As obsessions go, his seems rather harmless.

She heads back in the living room to see James flexing his muscles at Conrad, scaring him shitless.

"See these,_ muchacho_? Could crush a man's head like a nut."

Beads of sweat have broken out on Conrad's face. She shakes her head at James subtly behind Conrad's back, and he actually looks a little disappointed to stop tormenting the poor man.

"Conrad, Commander Shepard was recently attacked," Ash says. His eyes widen. "Do you know anything about it?"

"No! I haven't heard. Is she OK? Does she need me to do anything?" He flaps his hands, doing a little panicked dance on the spot. "Oh god. I'll get my armor on right away," he says, racing from the room.

Ash calls him back. "No, Conrad. She's fine. We're just conducting the investigation."

He stumbles back into the room, wild-eyed. "She's fine? Oh, OK. Thank goodness. I don't know what I'd do if she died now. She was so brave getting through everything after being hurt."

"The thing is, Conrad, is we have evidence to suggest that the one who organized the attack on her was linked to your extranet site. Now, we know the attack was planned before you took over, but is there anything you could give us that could lead to the previous owner's identity?"

Conrad worries at his lip, thinking hard. "I always knew they were shady. I mean, Commander Shepard is a classy lady, and worthy of a lot of privacy and respect. Not what some of those sickos were talking about. I guess that's fame, though, right? You always get the weird ones," he says, oblivious to the irony of his statement. "Must creep her out sometimes."

"Conrad, focus here," James cuts in. "The previous admin?"

"Oh! I have some receipts here." Conrad pulls up his omni-tool and streams some data to Ash. "I don't know if there's anything useful on them. I had no physical contact with whoever owned it. I have my financial advisor handle a lot of that stuff. Lot of creds, and I wanted to be sure I wasn't being ripped off. I'm not an idiot. Commander Shepard wouldn't walk into a deal blind. I really hope it helps," he says, pride obvious on his face, probably thinking he's handed them some clue in the investigation.

Ash suspects that he's built a lot of himself around Shepard, and actually taken a lot of the good things to heart. She feels a small amount of grudging respect for him. His heart _is_ in the right place, and maybe being a 'number one fan' isn't always such a bad thing. He did try and save her life from that Cerberus assassin sabotaging the medi-gel after all, and he is trying to single-handily clean up the extranet. With limited results… but still. It's an effort.

"Alright. Thanks, Conrad. We'll be in touch. Goes without saying, don't skip town or leave the Citadel until we say so, or I will personally hunt you down," Ash warns. "We're not taking you in. I'm satisfied you had nothing to do with any criminal activity on the extranet site."

He nods vigorously. "Of course not."

Ash turns to leave, but he stops her with a "Wait! Please, ma'am."

James bumps into her in the small hall, his large chest pressed to her back. Something tingles low in Ash's belly. She shoves it away, telling herself to be professional and not some blushing schoolgirl.

"Listen," Conrad says, a furtive look on his face. "Can you maybe tell Commander Shepard that I hope she gets well really soon, and that I'm rooting for her? I don't wanna send her any gifts since it might make her uncomfortable, and I know she hates bouquets, but just let her know that I'm still her biggest fan and I think she's strong enough to get through this and kick some ass."

Ash manages a small smile for him. "I'll do that, Conrad. Thanks."

* * *

In the skycar heading back to the embassies, James turns from the controls to glance at her. "So what's in those receipts? Anything interesting?"

"No," Ash huffs, looking up from her 'tool. "Nothing concrete. I'll have to examine it more, but whoever attacked Shepard is loaded. Like, extremely loaded. I don't know. It does narrow it down a little, but it also makes this more dangerous. He's likely planned meticulously and since his first plan failed-"

"He'll have a backup."

"Exactly."

"She's safe in the hospital, though, right?" James asks, a worried look on his face.

"Yeah," Ash nods. "Kaidan set up security pretty damn tightly. But she can't stay in there forever, and she won't want to. She gets out tomorrow, and then what? Always looks over her shoulder?" She shakes her head, frowning at the receipts. "No. We have to figure this out. There has to be some clue in all this. I'll run it through the Spectre console. See what it flags. Any anomalies, or discrepancies. The VIs are sophisticated and built for this sort of work."

"In the meantime," James says, setting the skycar onto autopilot to turn and tap her lightly on the nose. Ash scrunches it at him, the corner of her eyes crinkling in a smile. "How about you and me go to the casino tonight and have a few drinks? Maybe relax and dance a little?"

Ash smile fades. "I don't know, James… I have a lot of work to do. I don't think we should be playing while this guy is still on the loose."

James' smile falters. "Oh, sure. I get it. I just thought while the VIs worked…"

"Believe me," she tries to soothe, "I'd love to."

_You liar_, a voice in the back of her head says. _You could if you wanted to. He's right. The VIs don't need you there._ _You're just a scaredy-cat, Williams. _

"I know," he says, turning back to the sky road, and taking control again. "I'm busy too, anyway. Gotta talk to Lola about Kaidan and stuff. No problem."

Ash doesn't know what to say, aware she's hurt him, but not sure how to take it back. A silence falls over the skycar, and she wishes she could go back to their easy flirtations back in the Spectre office.

She can't though. Every time things seem to be getting serious with James, she runs scared. She just doesn't know how to handle him sometimes, whether he's serious, or if it's all some kind of game.

Deep down, she also knows maybe that's not the only reason she's scared. She's seen Kaidan and Shepard's relationship go through some highs, yes. But she's also seen their very worst lows. It was pretty damn low, a lot of the time.

When they raged at each other, Shepard angrier than she's ever seen. When Kaidan went to her funeral service after the SR-1 sinking, and looked like he could never get up from the chair again, a man broken.

It was worse for him having to hide that pain from everyone, like Shepard had meant nothing more than a friend and CO. Ash had seen him struggling to hold it together, and nearly failing.

Sometimes, that kind of love didn't seem worth it to her. The inevitable pain it brought.

Her sister Sarah lost her husband in the war, and Ash knows it will never be the same for her again. She was so young and in love, and now every time Ash sees Sar, she has to remind herself that she's the elder sibling.

Sar's gaze is so distant these days, grief lines on her face that shouldn't be there.

Maybe soldiers weren't meant to have a life like normal people. It was all too hard. Her dad had kept his girls away from that life. He knew how hard it was on the ones he loved. Her mother had worried herself sick about him when he was away on duty.

Shepard and Kaidan are living proof of what it's like when love and duty clash.

James and Ash work dangerous jobs. There's no guarantee.

'_Tis better to have loved and lost than to never to have loved at all._

_My ass, Tennyson_, she thinks. _You had it wrong there for once. _

* * *

"Lola, my beautiful, Lola!" James booms as he enters her hospital room late that afternoon, startling Kaidan's mother out of her perch beside Shepard's bed.

"Oops, sorry, Mrs. Alenko."

He notes with amusement that Shepard and her mother-in-law are huddled together over an actual physical photo album, rather than an omni-tool picture collection. A picture of Kaidan and Shepard smooshing cake in each other's faces at their wedding beams out at him, bright and happy. Shepard is radiant in a loose, off-white dress, tiny white flowers perched in her wavy, pixie cut hair. It still hadn't grown in properly by that stage, but James thinks it suits her. She hated it though, said it made her look twelve years old, and he couldn't argue with that. She did look young. Kaidan is smiling in a way James has barely ever seen, handsome in his Alliance dress blues. James himself had help him do his jacket up, because his hands had been shaking too hard with nerves the morning before the ceremony.

On the other page is a little boy with curly hair, butt-naked. An overlarge Alliance uniform hat is perched on his head.

"Jimmy," Shepard calls happily, beckoning him further into the room. "Ma and I were just looking at some old pictures."

She holds up the album and points to the boy. "Look at Kaidan and his cute little butt! He had such a cheeky smile, and look at these bunny teeth!"

James bursts into guffaws. He's _so_ going to give Kaidan shit later.

"Oh, man. That's the Major?" He shakes his head, padding further into the room. "_Way _more than I ever wanted to see, Lola."

Shepard laughs, smiling fondly at the picture. "I think he's adorable." She traces the picture with her fingers. "Ma says he used to steal his dad's hat all the time and run around the house naked. Casimir used to have to catch him to get it back, but he was a slippery little bastard."

"Yes, that boy was so naughty," Ami chimes, taking the album from Shepard and flipping to more naked baby Kaidan pictures. Shepard nearly doubles over with laughter at the one of Kaidan and his big brown eyes, bubble bath fauxhawk, and grumpy expression. "Skinny little thing. Ran like a flash. Couldn't get him dressed after a bath for love or money."

The two women wear matching expressions on their face as they gaze at the picture. It's the brightest he's seen Shepard smile in days. James clears his throat, feeling a little awkward. "Yeah, alright. I admit it. He's cute. Not now, though. Now he's just a pain in the ass."

"Yeah," Shepard shrugs, agreeing with him. "But he's _my_ Major pain in the ass."

James wets his lips, and prepares to ruin the mood. It's either going to make Shepard upset, angry, worried or some combination of all three.

"Mrs. Alenko? Ma'am? I was wondering if I could please speak privately with, Lol- I mean Shepard? If that's OK with you?"

Ami looks to Shepard and then nods. "Of course, Mr. Vega. I need to go eat some proper food and have a little rest at the hotel anyway. Shepard, dear, you call me if you need me. I'll be back first thing tomorrow to help you with your check-out and get you settled at home."

"OK. I'll see you later. Thanks for today," Shepard says, as Ami leans down and presses a kiss to her forehead. She leaves the room, nodding cordially to James.

He tries not to check her out as she walks away. Some people you just did not hit on, and your best friend's mother is one of them. He really doesn't mind hitting on his wife though. James suppresses a smile. Most of the time, it's _Lola_ doing the flirting once she realized it embarrassed him.

When Ami's gone, Shepard expression falls. "I haven't seen Kaidan all day, James. What's wrong?"

"Things got kind of heated in interrogation."

Shepard sits upright, pulling the covers off. She shimmies to the edge of the bed, as if ready to charge off and find Kaidan without any pants on.

"Heated _how_?" she demands with a dangerous glint in her eyes.

"He beat the shit out of our suspect. I had to haul him off," he says, wincing when her eyes widen.

"Kaidan wouldn't do that," she says immediately.

"Well, he did."

"_Why_?"

"He kept making cracks about you."

"Cracks?"

"Sexual innuendo. Implying he was gonna…"

Shepard's gaze flickers to the side as she comprehends what James is saying. "Not nice things I gather? What? Like rape or something?"

He winces. He didn't want to have to tell her that, and he didn't think Kaidan wanted her to know.

"Yeah. Pretty much. Kaidan lost it."

She pauses. "Oh. Well. Then yeah, he probably would do something a little drastic." She sighs loudly, pulling her oxygen cannula off and throwing it away with a dirty look.

"Oh man. I _knew_ he wasn't feeling alright. I_ knew_ this whole thing had got to him."

"Nah, Lola," James tries to soothe. "It's not your fault."

She doesn't even seem to hear. "Stupid me. I shouldn't have let myself get hit. I'm good at escape and evade. I should have moved quicker. We shouldn't have- I knew this whole thing would get him overprotective and worried. I kept telling him it doesn't change anything. That we have no guarantees it will even work out..."

She trails off and holds her forehead as if combating a sudden headache, frowning heavily.

"What would work out, Lola?" James asks, watching as she gets off the bed in a huff, searching around for something.

"You seen my pants?" she calls as she sticks her head in the small wardrobe. "I need some pants." He notices her shoulders are shaking, and at first he thinks she's crying.

But then he notes the way her hands have turned into fists, and there's small swirls of dark energy sparking off them.

He realizes she's not upset.

_She's furious. _

"Woah, woah, woah. Why do you need pants?" James asks, panicking as she starts pulling on her boots, sans socks.

"To go find my husband, of course," she bites out through clenched teeth.

"Find him?"

"Yeah." Shepard looks at him as if he's particularly dense. "He's hurting. Probably gone off to hide it from everyone so he doesn't worry me." Her voice rises as she finally finds her pants, and then violently throws them at him in a fit of temper.

"No more lying in this hospital bed cowering while he goes through all this fucking bullshit with stalkers and flowers, and _I am just fucking sick of it, James_!"

He catches her tracksuit pants as they slap him in the face. "Woah, calm down, Lola! OK, he's alright."

More color is high in her cheeks than he has seen in months. "No!" she says, swiping her arm. "No more! _I'm sick of this_. I'm sick of him worrying about me, and bearing all these burdens. _I'm _the one who should bear the burdens. I'm responsible. _I'm_ the one who fucks things up and then he pays the price. First it was the stupid fucking Collectors taking away my-"

She cuts herself off, chest heaving. James looks away guiltily as she gathers herself, thinking of the building and the river of lights the night before.

"I left him all alone, and then it was Cerberus and their stupid science experiment, and then the stupid Alpha Relay. Then it was all Majors, and Commanders, and Mars with his brains bashed in. And we finally get over all that bullshit and I nearly fucking die on him again. I'm _sick and tired_ of being torn away from him. Gimme my damn pants back," she finishes, snarling as she stomps across the room and snatches them back from him, roughly pulling them on. She glares at him as if he stole her pants in the first place.

"I am going to go home and sleep in my own bed tonight and maybe I might even fuck my husband and not give a damn, because there's not a chance in hell I'm staying here another second longer."

With that, she laces her boots up, collects her overnight bag, throws it roughly at James and swipes her meager belongings from the table into it. She claws at her hospital bracelet and tears it off, also pegging it at James (he's really getting sick of her throwing shit at him).

He stands there, stunned, listening to her rant and rave.

"I'm discharging myself. I'm Commander-fucking-Shepard. I do what I want," she mutters as she tears down the hall, James jogging to keep up. "Let's see them try and stop a Spectre."

She seizes on a hapless salarian doctor in the hall, gripping him by the lapels. "Hey, hi. You there. I'm leaving. Spectre Lieutenant Commander Shepard from down the hall. You might have heard of me. Savior of the galaxy."

She smiles sweetly at him, all big blue eyes, innocent freckles, and insincere charm. Her grin is more than a little sharp and dangerous.

"Look at me," she holds her arms wide. "I feel fine. Yes, I'll lie down on the couch and shit. Yes, I'll watch for any signs of organ failure because of shitty cybernetics. I know all about it, OK? I've had my stupid heart give out before. I know what it feels like; don't look at me like that. Swelling, pain, exhaustion, yadda, yadda. Yes, I'll take my vitamins and supplements. Yes, I know I've got an appointment next week. No, you can't stop me. OK? Great. Bye."

The doctor gapes at her. "Ma'am, you need to sign out first! You can't just walk out," he calls as she strides away.

She gives a little muffled, annoyed groan and heads back. "Fine, hold out your omni-tool. I'll sign whatever waivers you want."

The salarian doctor instantly manifests his tool, his eyes almost bulging out of his head. Nobody disobeys Shepard when she uses her 'Commander' tone.

James can't even follow the conversation, limply holding her bad in the hallway, struck dumb.

Shepard scribbles an approximation of her signature onto the 'tool.

"There!" she says brightly. "All done. Home, James."

He trails after her, not even sure how to stop her.

* * *

Shepard storms into the apartment, calling for Kaidan.

"Kaidan? LT? Where are you?"

She turns her head, looking in the living room, and observes the repaired windows.

"_Nice_, back in business, baby," she mutters under her breath. "Home sweet home."

A sudden thought to his location occurs to her, and she groans, alarming James behind her.

"What? What's wrong? Are you feeling sick? I can take you back to the hospital."

"No." She waves him off distractedly. "I was just thinking how fucked I am if he's gone to the secret place. I'm not much of a climber right now."

"Shepard?" a voice calls from the kitchen, and she dashes in.

He's sitting on the floor, a bottle of whiskey beside him, with a blood-stained shirt and a half scrubbed floor.

"Oh, LT," she breathes, and falls to her knees before him. "I'm so sorry."

Kaidan laughs at her bemusedly. "Why are you sorry?" His voice is slurred. "You didn't do anything."

He frowns at her, eyes bleary. "Why are you home? You're supposed to be at the hospital. You're supposed to be getting better."

"Never you mind that. Doc said I was good to go. Said some home time would do me good. To answer your first question, it's my fault because I got myself shot. I spilled all my stupid blood over our kitchen. That's not supposed to happen."

She moves closer to him, feeling the weight of James' stare behind her.

"Kaidan, sweetheart. Your hands…" she says, gathering them into hers. "What happened?"

They're twisted and broken. She traces them softly with hers and feels knobbly bits. He looks at them as if he had forgotten they were even there.

"I punched a guy who said stuff about you. Probably shouldn't have. I'm not sorry, though," he says with a little note of proud defiance in his voice.

"Did you break something of his for all this damage?" she tuts, kissing each of his fingers.

He grins crookedly, eyes bloodshot from whiskey. "Yup. Broke a few things."

"Good man. I would have, too." She turns behind her, and says, "Jimmy, thanks. We're OK, now. Can you please bring down the first aid kit from upstairs, and get me a glass of water? Then you better leave while I sort out the Major here."

He stops staring at Kaidan, his gaze snapping to Shepard's face. "Sure, Lola. Won't be a minute."

Shepard sits on the bloody floor beside Kaidan and looks at him seriously. "I'm not going back to the hospital, don't start on me about it."

He takes another swig of whiskey. "I wasn't going to."

"Yes, you were," she says, taking the bottle from him and placing it on the bench. "We are going to stay home all day tomorrow, and lie in bed. You are going to kiss me, and make love to me, and we might even have a hot tub bath. You can wash my hair because it really fucking smells."

Kaidan gives her a small smile, and she smiles back, carding her fingers through his hair as she speaks softly.

"You are not going to think about the case, or any of this bullshit. We are just gonna be us for a little while, and forget about the world. Alright?"

He smiles, tears in his eyes. His hand comes up and moves a lock of sweaty hair from her face. "Are you asking me to take a sanity check?"

"Mmm. A sanity check. It sounds like a good idea to me," Shepard murmurs, getting onto her knees and pulling him up with her. She wraps her arms around him, kissing him softly on every part of his face she can reach without moving her head. "I love you, Kaidan Alenko. That won't ever change. Even if I- If the worst ever happens, I'll always be waiting for you."

He buries his head in her neck. She can feel hot splashes fall there.

"I can't lose you again."

"You won't." She takes his hand, and puts it where her skin is warm, vibrant and alive. "I-I don't have all the answers. I never have. I've made so many mistakes. But I've always been sure of you. You've gotta be sure of me, too."

"I am."

"Then just forget about all the blood and violence," she whispers to his ear, pulling him up to stand shakily. He's drunk way too much, and her heart aches for him. "The kitchen doesn't matter."

"Here you are, Lola." James reappears, and sets the first aid kit on the bench along with a glass of water.

Shepard drinks it quickly in one long gulp, trying to stave off her light-head that makes the room shake and spin.

"Come on," Kaidan says, and leads her to the couch. "You should lie down."

Shepard grabs the first aid kit and follows him, barely noticing as James leaves, shutting and locking the front door. She sets about re-bandaging Kaidan's raw hands, and says nothing.

Eventually, she becomes tired and lays down, Kaidan wrapping around her with a blanket.

"I'm sorry about today," he whispers to the back of her neck as her eyes close, half drifting into dreams.

"You have a right to be angry, but you can't let fear compromise who you are, Kaidan," she murmurs back. "I know who you are. We'll get through this."

"I love you."

She wraps his arms around her more securely, feeling his breaths even out against her neck.

"I love you, too. You big dolt."


	7. Chapter 7

It's late evening before Ash finally decides to leave the embassies for home. Her stomach growls at her, angry with her neglect of it, and her back aches. She packs her files securely away in the filing cabinet and locks it with her omni-tool and Spectre codes.

She decides she'll go home, eat, take a nap, and then head back into the office to see what the VIs have ferreted out. Tapping on her omni-tool, and linking into the Spectre system, she sets the VI to give her an automated alert if they find anything useful in the receipts. Ash is glad she doesn't have to trawl through it. The VIs can distinguish patterns she can't see, and automatically parses through leads. She hopes that the receipts can link back to a physical address. It's a long shot, but she needs to find _something_ for Shepard… and maybe even especially for Kaidan's sake.

She feels a twinge of worry for him as she locks the human Spectre office door, but knows if James ratted him out to Shepard, that he's well handled. Kaidan always was wrapped around Shepard's little finger.

He'd do anything for her. Die, kill, and even take a damn break.

"Good night, Spectre Williams," Dustan calls from his desk in front of the cells. "You drive safe."

"Thanks, Dustan," she responds, smiling as he sips deeply from a steaming mug of coffee. "Late shift?"

"Yeah," he sighs, setting the mug on the desk. "Wife is pissed, but what can I do? We need the money. She's having our fourth baby soon."

"Oh, I didn't know. Congratulations!" Ash says, stopping on her path to her skycar, and heading to the desk to shake his hand.

He smiles widely. "Yes. Was quite the little surprise. Bit of a war baby. You know." He grins guilty. "Peace celebrations sure were a doozy for a few months there… and well there was free wine at one of the shindigs."

Ash feels a little twinge of guilt as she pretends to laugh at his joke. She barely even knew the man was married, let alone met his wife and kids, and she sees him every single day. Kaidan was always better at the interpersonal crap.

"Well," she starts slowly. "If you're struggling at the moment, I'm sure everyone here at the offices would be glad to pass around a tin, you know. Chip in a little for a new skycar seat or whatever you need."

"Oh, no, Spectre Williams. No need. Spectre Alenko already organized one. Thanks to him we were able to afford a new cot and I'm not an exhausted wreck right now."

Ash mouth goes dry. "Oh. He already organized a collection? I missed it."

"Yes, couple of months ago now. In fact, he and Commander Shepard bought us this lovely gift card to that expensive baby boutique in Zakera Ward. Such a nice couple." He smiles at her again, and she nods dumbly.

"Yeah, they are." She tries to ignore how stupid she feels.

She always works really hard, sure. She has to. The Williams had finally made something of the family name. The Alliance gave her respect, and the alien Spectres even eyed her with envy. She and Kaidan were great together. Every single thing had been fought for with long nights, spilled blood, and being smarter and quicker than the rest. But to miss out on everything else…

She doesn't know if it's worth it anymore. Even Kaidan took breaks and seemed to manage. He takes care of his personal life. Shepard always comes first. If she has a bad night, sometimes he even takes the whole day off.

He visits his mom regularly, and always hangs out with James and his other close friends from the _Normandy_ when they're on the Citadel. Ash can't even remember the last time she went and had a cup of tea with her mom.

She thinks she may have made a mistake saying no to drinks at the casino with James.

"How's Burke?" she asks Dustan, trying to move the awkward conversation along.

"Breathing." Dustan shrugs. "He hasn't spoken much yet, but I think the time he's been held has loosened his tongue more. Says he wants a lawyer now, and wants to make some more deals."

"Good, good." Ash nods. "I'll talk to him tomorrow. See what else he'll cough up." She steps away from his station, her boots clicking on the polished floor as she heads for the exit. "Night," she calls.

"You have a good night now, ma'am. Drive safe."

* * *

At home, she locks her door, and pads into her living room. She reflects that it's a bit of a mess, old books scattered everywhere, and half-filled glasses of water. She determinedly ignores it, her mind racing too much to focus on cleaning. Instead she heads into the small kitchen and scrounges up some cheese on toast, sating her growling belly.

Afterwards, she sits silent at her kitchen table, watching the lights from skycars flicker behind the blinds.

Half-heartedly she flicks through a worn book of poetry, not even noticing the words.

Ash picks at her nails. Her alarm clock ticks loudly from her small bedroom. She thinks of dancing, and drinks, and how James' face had fallen when she said no.

She rapidly realizes she's bored to death, lonely, and a bit of a workaholic. That just won't do. She used to be _fun._ She was the one who used to have to drag Skipper out, and bully Kaidan into loosening up.

She makes a snap decision and dials a number she knows off by heart on her omni-tool.

"Shepard," the voice on the comm says, the last syllable a high squeak.

Ash frowns. "Hey, Hero Lady. What are you up to?"

"Hey, uh, Ash," Shepard says slowly, sounding distracted. She pants a little.

"You alright?" she asks, hoping Shepard's not alone and on the verge of passing out or something equally drastic. "You sound weird."

She clears her throat, putting on a firmer voice. "Uh huh. Fine and… dandy."

"You don't sound fine."

Shepard giggles, actually _giggles._

Ash is instantly suspicious. There's a splashing noise and gurgle in the background, and a deep, male laugh.

"Shh, Kaidan stop it," Shepard says through uncharacteristic squeals. "That tickles." Kaidan murmurs something Ash can't catch and Shepard laughs again. "Stop. You're so mean to me."

"Shepard… why do I hear water?" she says slowly.

"Because a hot tub is generally full of water."

"Why is Kaidan there?"

"Because Kaidan is generally in the hot tub with me."

Ash groans, sincerely regretting calling her. "Oh god. You guys are naked, aren't you?"

"Hell yes," she answers, not a trace of shame in her voice.

Ash covers her eyes with her hands, as if to could block out the mental images. "You're not actually, _you know_, and talking to me at the same time? Why did you answer the call?!"

"Well… not _totally_," she says, a little sly note in her words that tells Ash everything. "I answered because I thought if I didn't, you and James would come break the door down to check on me, or you had some kind of problem."

"OK, _ew_."

"So, what's up?" Shepard chirps. Ash hears Kaidan say something low and more water splash.

"Oh my god," Ash intones, incredulous at how brazen she is. "I can let you go?"

"No, no," she says, sounding like she's drank a lot of wine, or just woken up from a particularly good nap. "He's just gone to fetch me a drink. I'm just sitting here going all pruney. My hair's pretty now. We can chat. _Quickly_. What's wrong? You usually wouldn't call so late, Chief."

"It's James," Ash says, exhaling explosively, pushing strands of hair out of her face. "I don't know."

"OK." Shepard sounds more businesslike, and Ash suspects she sits up straighter in the tub. "What about him?"

"He asked me out tonight."

"That's great!" Shepard says a little too enthusiastically.

"Shepard, are you drunk?"

"No. I'm not allowed to drink." She mumbles something under her breath that might be 'Stupid Kaidan'.

"If I drink I might pass out and fall, and split my brains open, and I've heard that just really wrecks your day. Even my hot tub is more like a lukewarm tub since Kaidan doesn't want me fainting and drowning or some shit. Says he likes me. Something sappy like that."

She laughs again, and Ash thinks (not for the first time) that her sense of humor is extremely off color at times. Damn if Ash doesn't always laugh, though.

"Now stop deflecting and tell me what your problem is. You know I think Jimmy and you are great together, and I'm not just saying that."

"I said no," Ash moans. "But I really did want to go. Why did I say no?"

"OK, that's not so great. Oh, Ash. We'll sort you out," Shepard tuts. Ash thinks she sounds rather like a fussy mother hen, clucking over her wayward chicks. "Alright, caveat here: I am in no way qualified to give relationship advice."

"Noted." Ash pictures Shepard clapping her hands together bracingly, like they're about to embark on a deadly mission. Just like old times. "Tell me what you think anyway."

"Fuck him," she growls.

"I'm not angry with him! Geez, Skipper. You need to watch your temper."

"No, I mean _literally_."

"What?" Ash chokes out. "No! Shepard, please. That's our problem. It's all we used to do. Just because you and Kaidan have an overactive libido-"

"No, no, no." she says, and Ash hears more water splash. She suspects Shepard just waved her arms violently and soaked half her bathroom. "Listen. You're overthinking this. You're hot. He's hot. You're both nice, funny, successful, and really great for each other. But you keep bumping off each other, because you keep thinking too hard about this, and he doesn't think about it enough. Just fall together and see where you land."

"I can't just do that. What if it doesn't work out and things get all awkward?"

Shepard snorts. "Like it wasn't before? You'd practically jump out a window to avoid him for months."

"I guess so."

"Go out tonight, Ash. Forget work, and whatever happened between you before. Just go have fun and see where you end up falling. If it ends up being his bed, would that really be so bad? Be brave, and take the leap."

"Like you, you mean?"

She thinks about what Shepard has gone through, everything she fought for. Not just to live, but to even start a relationship with Kaidan. The wedding seemed like an insurmountable summit at times.

They got there, though, and kept climbing even past the summit.

"I'm not brave," Shepard says quietly. "Some things are just… sometimes there's no going back. Some people touch your heart, and you can't stop feeling things. No matter how hard you try. The falling isn't the hard part, believe me."

Ash bites her lip, getting up and moving into her bedroom to search through her wardrobe. "So you think I should meet him at the casino?"

She needs a nice outfit. Something that screams, 'I like you but what I feel for you scares me, please don't hurt my feelings or I'll kick your ass.'

Maybe her backless dress…

"I do." Shepard laughs, and Ash thinks how much she loves that sound. "Put your favorite outfit on. Have a dance. Have a margarita for me. Go have fun, you're only young once."

Ash scoffs. "Skipper, we all know you lied about your age when enlisting. Stop acting like you're forty."

"Shut up," she says with no heat, just fond grouchiness. "I can give you smug married woman advice if I want. It's like a rule, respect my authority."

Ash just laughs, hearing Shepard answer with that little smug snicker of hers. She's missed it. It was far too rare for too long.

She would suffer having to listen to Kaidan and Shepard make out in a hot tub to hear it.

"Just go have fun, Chief." There's a pause, and then Shepard purrs, "Hey, Alenko? Nice ass. Oooh, you brought me an orange juice. How risqué."

There another loud splash and then Ash can just hear his voice over the comm.

"Why thank you, ma'am," he practically purrs. "I could say the same."

Ugh. She's going to have to drink five martinis at the casino just to forget Kaidan's sex voice.

"Shepard, hang up the comm," Ash demands. "I'll leave you to your sordid affairs."

"Oh Kaidan, baby, baby, harder," Shepard croons, and Ash nearly trips over a pile of clothes on the floor.

"You're screwing with me, aren't you?" she gasps.

Shepard bursts into gales of laughter, and she can hear Kaidan's husky guffaws, too.

"You are," Ash accuses. "I'm hanging up. I'm gonna kick your ass next time I see you."

"You can _try_. Love ya. Go be nice to Jimmy. You be careful with him, alright? He's softer than he looks. Oh and if it's not on, it's not on."

"Yes, _mom._"

With that, Shepard closes the comm connection. Ash debates if she has time to shave her legs.

She opens a new connection.

"Hey, James? It's Ash. I was wondering if you still wanted to have drinks."

* * *

James sits at the bar in the casino and knocks back a shot. He's nervous, and probably shouldn't be drinking, but he needs the liquid courage.

He glances over at the entrance as he has been for the past thirty minutes, and that's when she arrives.

His shot glass drops onto the bar, forgotten.

She's a goddess in pure black.

Ash's hair is slicked back into a classy chignon, and she has small studded gold earrings in. Her dress falls to her knees, high necked and moderately fitted. As she turns to give a dirty look to a rowdy krogan across the bar, he has to swallow harshly. Her dress scoops to the middle of her back, bare skin and muscles hitting him right in places it's not meant to.

He thought the prettiest woman he had ever seen was Lola on her wedding day. He knows now he was wrong. It's Ash. It's always been Ash.

"Hey," she says as she draws near. "Sorry I'm late."

"Wow. I mean, it's fine. Thanks for coming."

She settles beside him at the bar, and he can't look away from her back.

"Like what you see?" she asks, smirking. She never did miss a trick. James' face heats.

"Nah. I mean, yeah. You look great."

"Thank you," she says quietly, and knocks back a shot. "I left work, and I realized…"

She plays with the rim of her glass, tracing her finger around it over and over. James places her hand over hers, stilling the nervous motion.

"You realized what?"

Ash turns to face him fully, her dark eyes luminous in the casino's sparkling lights. She has sheer lip-gloss on her plump lips and he wants to kiss it off more than anything else in the world.

"I realized that we used to dream of what we would do with peace. I would lie in your arms in the back of the shuttle, or your bunk, or wherever we found a second, and wish I could do that with you, without being afraid. That the Reapers would go away so Skipper could relax, and Kaidan would smile again, and I didn't scare myself silly with thoughts of losing you," she says, gazing up at him. "I think I need to find some peace of my own, and I think that my peace includes you."

He takes a gamble, heart pounding, and places a large palm on her cheek. She shuts her eyes and leans into it.

James doesn't know what to say. He never does. She's so clever, and beautiful, and funny, and he always feels like some dumbfuck jarhead, lucky enough to snag a moment of her attention for one second.

"_Cariño_," he says instead. "I don't know anything. I just want to make you happy and all I wanna do right now is dance with you. Maybe we can see how we fall?"

Something he says makes her smile.

"Fall, huh?" She takes his hand, leading him to the dance floor. "I can learn to fall."

His arms come around her, like they were always meant to be there, and she places her hands on his shoulders as they begin to sway.

His palms touch her bare back. She shivers.

"James," she whispers. "I'm not good at this."

"Neither am I."

He leans in, and she watches his eyes the whole time. The dance floor seems to slow for him, time halting. He's missed her more than anything since the war ended, his one bright spot.

Slowly, he presses his lips to hers, and her eyes flutter shut.

He means it to be chaste, but it ends up anything but. The lip-gloss tastes like strawberries as it comes off. Her mouth opens beneath his, as he runs his hands up and down her back.

Eventually they pull apart, and he can't help grinning. Neither can she.

"What do you say?" Ash whispers, pressing small kisses to the side of his mouth. "Am I the same as before?"

"Better."

She laughs, and he thinks that he never wants this night to end.

* * *

Ash doesn't know how it happens. Really, she tells herself. She has no idea how she does those shots off the bar, those pretty ones with the pink flames.

She professes complete innocence when she shoves him into a bathroom and sticks her hands down his pants, having to spring apart when a grumpy turian woman walks in.

It's not her who shoves her tongue done his throat as they dance, and it's not her who laughs so loud at his jokes she snorts.

But, she admits, _it is_ her who shoves him into a cab, and won't stop making out with him long enough to tell the driver her address.

She fumbles with the lock to her apartment, her omni-tool clumsy as she does her best to kiss James' lips off.

He pants harshly against her neck as she finally opens it.

"I've never been to your place. I can make coffee?" he says sweetly, but she grabs him by the front of his shirt and yanks him inside.

"No coffee," she mumbles, fastening her lips to his again. His hands are back on her back, and she thinks, _Skipper, I fucking love you._

Her bedroom is dark and quiet, lights flickering through the blinds. She's drunk, but not nearly enough not to take pleasure in taking his shirt off and taking long moments to admire the view.

"Lieutenant," she croons. "You are a sight for sore eyes."

"_Mi amor_, you read my fricking mind," he says, pulling her dress straps down her arm.

She grins, and shoves him onto the bed, climbing on top of him.

"Let's see where we land," she breathes, pressing her lips to his again, her hair a dark, loose curtain shutting the world out as it falls around his face. His hands rise high on her thighs, drawing her dress up and off.

"Thank god I shaved my legs," she whispers, grinning to herself.

"I've seen you covered in blood and guts." He laughs. "You're hot in anything."

His hands slip past her panties.

Ash doesn't speak coherent words again for a long time.

* * *

The artificial morning light pounds at Ash's eyeballs begging her to wake up.

She groans, and rolls over, hitting a solid wall of warm muscle. Her own pull pleasantly, a good kind of pain that says she had only the best kind of fun last night.

She opens her eyes and sees James grinning at her, his arms wrapping around him. She smells sweat, and spice, and sweet Jimmy Vega. Her heart pounds, feeling too small for all it holds.

Is this how Shepard feels all the time? It's the best and worst thing she's ever felt.

"Good morning," he greets. "You are a sight for sore eyes." She giggles at the echo of last night.

"Hmm," she hums. "So are you."

He leans down and kisses her, and for once she doesn't feel the need to run away from him. Last night was perfect in every way. They feel right. It's time to let him in.

He won't stop smiling as he asks, "Eggs? You want eggs? I'm great with eggs."

"Eggs sound great." She gathers the blankets around her, watching as he gets up and rummages around for his pants.

She smirks. "Hey, Vega?" He looks at her, eyebrows raised. "Nice ass."

_Shepard's not actually that bad at romantic advice_, she thinks._ Maybe a few of her lines wouldn't hurt..._

"Not as good as yours, sweetcheeks."

She laughs again, but their banter is cut short by the shrieking of her comm.

Groaning, she rolls over and answers it, watching how James pauses, waiting for her.

"Williams, here."

"Ash, it's me."

She immediately knows something is wrong when Shepard's voice comes on over the comm. She sounds like she's crying.

"Skipper, what's wrong? Are you OK?"

"No, I'm not. Burke was found dead in his cell last night. Killed. His blood was spattered up and down the walls. Kaidan's been arrested for his murder, and assault of the cell duty officer. C-SEC came and arrested him from the apartment this morning. I nearly got into a scuffle with them, trying to stop them taking him. He told me to stand down. They slapped cuffs on him, Ash!"

She practically chokes out the last words.

"What?!" Ash yells, jumping out of bed, butt-naked and fumbling around for her clothes. "Why? What the hell?! Why wasn't I informed?"

"His DNA was all over the scene. His Spectre codes were used to access the cell door. They have footage," Shepard says it all in a rush, tears thick in her voice. "I tried to stop them with my Spectre authority but they say since I'm his wife and I was the one threatened, that I'm suspect and my authority is overruled when it comes to him. I'm heading to the Council now to demand his release." She practically pants, breathless and panicked, and Ash feels alarm for her. She doesn't sound well, and she shouldn't be alone. Not with a stalker on the loose.

"They revoked his fucking Spectre status. The Alliance is investigating. This is bullshit!" There's a metallic sound, and Shepard sounds furious, like she's stalking around the house and throwing her armor on.

Somehow, Ash doesn't think the timing of this was coincidental at all.

Without Kaidan around...

"He didn't do it, Ash. I know him. He wouldn't. Meet me at the Tower."

"Skipper, wait, James and I should take you."

"Screw that. I can't wait. I'm taking a cab. I'll show those sons of bitches that they owe me."

With that the comm winks out, and Ash knows nothing will ever be the same again.

"James, put your clothes on. Now. No eggs."


	8. Chapter 8

James jogs up the Citadel Tower stairs, worried and awed by the expansive room. He's never been inside the Tower before. Shepard only ever took Kaidan or Liara with her if she had business with the Council during the war.

Cherry blossoms flutter to the ground, little pink petals setting the air on fire with their sweet fragrance. Everything seems pink or red lit, light streaming in the massive windows. Shepard's form is tiny before them, and he remembers the rumors that she was almost killed when Sovereign smashed through and almost crushed her.

A cherry blossom lands in Ash's hair as she jogs along, and he has to resist sweeping it away.

His mind drifts, thinking of her soft skin, and softer heart, and how last night was the best night of his life. Music plays in his head, memories of shots and hurried fumbling in the bathroom, and her sly laugh. Silky smooth legs under his rough palms...

"No! This is unacceptable. I _demand _that you release him, and restore his Spectre status. It's completely unlawful of you to strip his rights."

He's pulled from his moment of whimsy by Shepard's angry tones.

She's standing on the podium, legs braced wide and aggressive, pointing furiously at the Council. The blue stripe of her N7 armor is a stark contrast to all the pink. He thinks how well it matches her blazing eyes.

"Shit," Ash mutters. "She looks like she's been going for a while."

Shepard's face is red, her hair a wild dark brown halo around her head, and spilling down her back. She's somehow struggled into her armor, but it's ill fitting, tight around the stomach and gaping loose around her arm and legs. He never really realized before what peak condition she must have been in the war, and how weird it must feel now to put on the reminder of your old life and realize it somehow moved away from you.

James prides himself on his physicality. He's not sure what he would ever do if what happened to Shepard happened to him. She'll never regain what she was before the end of the Reaper War. What she was, so burning bright, before half her cybernetics were destroyed by the Crucible.

It's only the fact that her body started working and healing to compensate for them that she survived at all. The doctors told her if it had happened closer to her resurrection (such as before she took down the Collectors) that she would have died. It was only all the time her body had to heal and grow around the cybernetic functioning that saved her.

Shepard told him that after she suffocated to death the first time that she hit a planet called Alchera. It had been her first crucible, the first thing she broke against.

She never gave up though, and it seems to James she's not giving up now. Not when it comes to Kaidan.

"I have told you before, Spectre Shepard, you do not get to make demands of the Council," the turian says. James watches the human female Councillor shift, clearly highly uncomfortable. He knows Shepard was instrumental in her appointment.

"Where is your evidence?" Shepard yells. "It took me bending over backwards and running circles around the Citadel for you to even think about striping Saren Arterius' Spectre status!"

The salarian Councillor motions serenely. "That is why we are more cautious these days. After Saren, yourself, Vasir and now Alenko, it seems Spectres left to their own devices too long stir up trouble we must scramble to clean up. The Citadel is in a delicate state. Citizens must be comfortable and feel protected. We cannot have a Spectre murdering his suspects over some personal vendetta. In our own embassies, no less. The law must be above reproach, lest we have anarchy in this tentative post-war environment."

James feels a rush of anger. Have they forgotten that Shepard 'stirring up trouble' is the reason they are all even alive?!

"Release him into my authority while you conduct a full investigation" Shepard asks, visibly trying to calm herself. "I take full responsibility."

The Councillors glance between each other nervously.

"We cannot," Tevos explains. "You are not an impartial party. You are the one the threats were made against. You could have colluded with him. You are his bondmate, and your word cannot be taken as-"

"What?! Suddenly because we're married you can't trust me not to condone murder?!"

"No. We cannot," says the turian.

Shepard shakes with rage.

Ash steps forward, and the Councillors glance at her.

"The Council recognizes Spectre Williams on the podium," the human Councillor intones.

"Councillors, what evidence do you have to hold Spectre Alenko?" Ash asks. James thinks she's making a valiant attempt and professionalism, but he can hear the anger she buries down. Kaidan needs to seem like a colleague to her, nothing more. Subtly, he watches her touch her hand to Shepard's back, but she doesn't even seem to notice, glaring at the Council.

"We have security footage. We have his DNA all over the crime scene. His Spectre codes were used."

"I told you!" Shepard barks. "He was sleeping beside me all night. DNA can be planted."

"Did you not also sleep, Commander Shepard?" the asari asks. "We are aware you are injured. Could he not have slipped out in the night? When C-SEC arrested him, you were still upstairs sleeping, and he was downstairs, already dressed in his armor. Do you refute this?"

Shepard pauses, and James knows immediately that she's about to lie, her eyes darting around nervously.

"Yes, I refute it," she promises, licking her dry lips. "I woke up with him this morning. He was with me all night long."

The turian Council frowns at her, and it's patently obvious they buy it just as much as James does.

Which is to say, not at all.

"You are dismissed, Commander Shepard. We understand you are under a lot of strain in your condition, and we allow you certain rights and privileges as a galactic war hero and Citadel Savior, but you cannot push our patience. You still work for us."

Shepard growls. "Not for fucking long, if this is how you treat a man that always, _always,_ stood up for you. Who put himself in the path of my gun just to do his duty to you."

"That is true," the asari Councillor soothes. "But your marriage to Spectre Alenko has complicated matters. You are famous, and your fame extends to him. The press has caught wind of Burke's death. How, we do not know. But regardless, it reflects poorly on us if we are seen to do nothing. There is already footage leaked onto the extranet of him beating Burke senseless the day before. We were content to ignore it if it was not made public... however the press has already had its own trial by popularity and judged him guilty. Our authority is under suspicion. We have to act. It's a scandal."

Shepard wavers on the spot. Ash makes a hurried motion towards her in alarm, but she pulls it together.

"This is all a plan," she says quietly. "They're after me, so they're using him to hurt me." She turns, and then almost to herself she mutters, "How would it leak? They're top secret..."

Her face is ghostly pale.

"Stay calm, OK?" Ash whispers to her, putting a steadying hand at her back. James knows it's just in case Shepard falls straight off the podium, into the glass below. "We'll work this out. Kaidan needs you to keep your Spectre authority."

"Fine," she mutters, and strides off the podium. "I'm done with these idiots anyway. I'm going to see my husband."

The Councillors make little shocked offended gasps, but Shepard doesn't glance back at them. She owes them nothing.

James and Ash hurry after her, ignoring the Council. She only makes it around the corner, and out of their sight, before she collapses against one of the rails, breathing deeply through her nose.

"This is all a game to whoever is doing this," she says quickly, glancing up at them. "They're ruining him to get to me. To get him out of the way. They're destroying his career, and they're using the press to do it."

"I know, Shepard," Ash says. "We'll figure this out. We'll clear his name."

"Whoever is pulling the strings has Spectre access. I'm going to kill them," Shepard vows, and gets up, storming for the exit.

James stops her, tugging her arm.

"Hey, hey, Lola. We'll work this out, alright? We won't let the Major rot in prison," he promises, pulling her into a hug. For a moment she rests her head against his chest, shoulders shaking, before she pushes him away and walks off, her face an iron mask.

* * *

Outside the Tower, it's chaos. In the minutes they were inside a gathering of press has materialized. When Shepard bursts out of the Tower, they rush her, jostling for attention.

"Commander! Commander Shepard? Your husband is a murderer," one blonde skinny harpy of a reporter screeches in her face. "How do you feel?"

"Do you think it was the stress from the war?" one yells, bumping into her. His spittle flecks onto her face. She wipes it away, disgusted.

"Is he having an affair? How are you coping? Are you seeing anyone else?"

"A lot of Alliance soldiers had to retire from stress. Has Alenko broken from the horrors he has seen? Is it latent indoctrination?"

James rushes ahead, standing in front of Shepard and pushing the crowd back.

Shepard keeps her head down, and says nothing as Ash barks, "No comment! We have no comment. Excuse us. Out of the way!"

"Rumors are you had an extended stay in hospital. Is it true you're expecting?"

"Commander! Is Spectre Alenko going to be dishonourably discharged from the Alliance?"

"Is there any truth to the rumors that you were fraternizing while serving together on the _Normandy_?"

They have to fight every step to the skycars. James feels his limbs shake with rage. Is this what she has to deal with all the time? The vultures picking at her carcass?

They only make it to the cars when Ash threatens to have everyone arrested who stands in their way again.

No wonder she and Kaidan hide in that apartment as often as they can, he reflects, watching Shepard's shuttered face. No wonder their secret place is high above the Strip where no one can find them.

Lola sits in the skycar seat and watches the press pick over every detail of her life.

James sometimes thinks she paid more for her victory than anyone ever sees.

* * *

At C-SEC headquarters, Shepard nods at Bailey once before he instantly swings the door open for her. James watches her enter the room, and follows her in.

Kaidan is inside, in awful prison clothes, his hands cuffed in front of him on the table. He looks up from where he was examining the omni-cuffs when the door opens, his expression brightening to see Shepard standing there.

James feels very strange. Deep down he thinks of Kaidan as a brother... and to his embarrassment, as some kind of father figure, even though he's not much older than James. He always has it so together. He never seems to yell or lose his temper (unless it comes to Shepard). James admires that about him, how professional and serious about his work he is. He's always neat, and well-presented, the very model of an Alliance officer. He's an example, someone to look to and say, 'that's how it's done.'

To see him like this... well, it seems to kick James in the stomach, winding him.

Shepard instantly swoops onto Kaidan, elbowing James out of the way, grasps his face between her hands and kisses him fully on the lips for long moments.

Bailey coughs, and mumbles something about being just outside if he's needed. He locks the door behind him.

"Shepard," Kaidan rasps as soon as she lets him go. "I didn't do it."

"I know, I know," she answers, shoulders shaking. "I know you didn't. You're being framed."

Kaidan's eyes are wide with alarm, the brown stark and harsh in the austere prison lights.

"They're doing this to get me out of the way, to stop me standing in front of you," he says. "They know that I won't leave you alone, so they're doing this to separate you out."

"Divide and conquer," James growls. "Whoever our guy is, he's gonna try and take her somehow."

"Over our dead body," snarls Ash. "I'm going to figure this out. The VIs have an alert waiting for me. You won't be in here for long, LT."

Kaidan looks at James seriously. "I want you to take Shepard down to Earth, down to Canada. The orchard is safe."

Shepard starts. "What?! No way! I'm staying here with you."

He looks at her, awkwardly wrapping his cuffed hands around her in a hug. "You can't stay here. It's dangerous. Burke said this guy has a lot of money and power. He's taken down a Spectre, faked footage, and manipulated the press. How long until he gets to you? Please, sweetheart, please just go stay at the orchard until it's safe here. I promise I won't be here long, and I'll come for you."

She shakes her head, and to James' heartbreak, he can see panic and tears in her eyes. "I don't want to leave you like this." She motions to his cuffs and his outfit.

"I won't be like this for long. Ash will figure it out." He stands from the desk, and James can see his legs are chained together too.

"Jesus, Kaidan. What did they do to you?" he exclaims.

Kaidan shrugs. "I may have resisted arrest a little. Anyway, Jimmy I want you to take on your old job, OK? You're the best bodyguard and only man I can trust right now while Ash works the case. Escort Shepard down to Earth with my mother."

Shepard shakes her head again. "No. I'm not doing it. I'm working this case now. Don't leave me behind."

Kaidan rubs a hand over his face, and then turns to Ash and James, eyeing them furtively. Kaidan pulls Shepard into the corner and whispers something to her. James turns his face away, trying to give them privacy, but he still hears them whisper.

"I can't lose you, Shepard. Especially not now. Please, this isn't just about you."

Shepard presses her hand to her lips, trying not to cry. James thinks she looks exhausted, whatever color she managed to claw back since coming home from the hospital evaporating. She looks dead on her feet, and mildly ill. Kaidan says something else to her that James can't catch, and then kisses her gently on the forehead. She reluctantly nods after a long pause.

"It's just for a few days," she promises. "Then I'll come break you out if it doesn't work, I swear."

Bailey pounds on the door, and James knows their time is up.

Desperately, Kaidan kisses her again, a long, lingering one. It reminds James of the time he saw them kiss in London, just before the beam run. Kaidan's hand is on her hip, and she grips the back of his shirt tightly.

James hopes it works out better for them this time.

Shepard steps back, and James forges ahead, wrapping his arms around Kaidan in an awkward hug. "Don't worry, man. I'll make sure she's safe."

Kaidan pats him on the back. "Thanks, Jimmy. I know you will."

Ash nods at Kaidan, and shakes his hand firmly. "You know I'll get this done, LT. I'll nail this sonovabitch to the wall." She stops shaking his hand, and pulls him into a fierce hug. "Can't let my good cop rot in a cell for more than a week. Not really good cop behaviour."

Kaidan gives a wry bark of laughter. "Be careful, Ash. I'll know you'll get it done."

James leaves the room first, Ash following behind him. Shepard is the very last, her gaze not leaving her husband's before Bailey slams the door shut.

He looks torn, age harsh on his face. "I'm sorry, Shepard. Orders are orders. I'd let him out in a heartbeat if I could. Man's a bloody hero."

She nods, her expression becoming harder. "I know you would, Bailey. I know."

* * *

James quickly packs some clothes for the colder weather in Canada. Ami says it's winter down there, snow thick on the ground. He helps Shepard gather a few of her belongings, and together with Ash and Ami, they drive to where the beam burns brightly, pointing down towards Earth like a celestial arrow.

Shepard says nothing, just watches it with haunted eyes.

As Ami fusses over Shepard, rearranging a scarf around her neck and tutting over her shoes, James takes a moment to say goodbye to Ash.

The morning has been so rushed; he hasn't had even a second alone with her. She's been on her comm, coordinating with Bau. The VI gave her an address, a warehouse in Zakera Ward, and they were going to raid it later in the day.

She's hopeful they'll have Kaidan out within the day. It was the only way they could convince Shepard to leave the Citadel.

James wishes he could go with her, to watch her back, but knows she can handle it. Kaidan gave him a job, and it's one he takes very seriously.

"So," Ash says, shuffling awkwardly at the beam terminal.

Commuters rush around them, and it actually reminds James of an old-fashioned airport parting he's seen in those cliché romance vids. Not that he watches them or anything...

"I guess this is it, huh?"

"I guess so. Listen, Ash, I wanted to tell you... well, uh, this isn't some fling for me, you know?" he stammers. "I want to do it right this time. I was thinking, maybe when we get back, and if the _Normandy_ is still docked, you might want to have dinner with me?"

Ash bites her lip, almost shy. "Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?"

He coughs, rubbing the back of his neck. "I-I uh... I-"

"Oh for crying out loud," Shepard cuts in. "Yes, Ash. He is saying he really, really likes you. Will you two please stop being so precious and just kiss already?"

"Shepard!" Ami scolds. "Will you leave them be?"

Shepard folds her arm and mutters darkly under her breath as she stares at the beam. "Well, I'm sorry, but you can cut the fucking sexual tension with a knife, and I'm all outta good cheer."

James' face is bright red. "Ah, well. I can't argue with the Commander's orders."

Throwing caution to the wind, he leans down and presses his lips to Ash's full, pouty mouth.

She makes a muffled 'hmpf' in surprise, but soon her arms come around him, kissing him back just as hard. A commuter wolf whistles, but he blindly sticks his middle finger up at them, and they chuckle and move on.

He kisses the woman he thinks he might have fallen hopelessly in love with in front of the looming Earth, and wonders how he can freeze the moment forever, possibly press it between the pages of her poetry books, and commit the words and moment to heart. To eternity.

Her mouth opens beneath his, allowing his tongue access, and he takes the moment to remember how she tastes. Like strawberries, and salt, and the sand over a gentle sea. She tastes like home and the burn after a workout, good things that set his heart racing. She's the cool bath afterwards, soft and soothing. She's everything he ever wanted. She's the person he wants to climb to the secret place with.

It's _Ash_ and it's him, and everything is suddenly perfect. He's done this one thing right for once. He hasn't messed it up. She isn't running away. They were going to have eggs for breakfast sometime soon.

She pulls back, watching him through her dark eyelashes. "You be safe. You come back up to me as soon as I kill this sicko, and I'll show you some more of my dance moves."

"That's a promise, _cariño?_" he murmurs, moving a strand of hair from her face.

"It is."

_"Next beam to London, Earth, will be in five minutes. Alien visitors are reminded that no pets are allowed. Customs will confiscate all contraband. Turians and krogan are reminded that live fire exercises are discouraged without proper permits. Earth laws apply once you pass the line. Please line up for departure. I repeat..."_

A cool voice calls them to the departure area. Ash steps away from him.

Shepard shuffles, Ami pats her shoulder but she shrugs it off. James picks up their bags and nods once at Ash. She nods solemnly back.

"Be safe, Skipper!" she calls, but Shepard doesn't seem to hear. She doesn't seem to hear anything anymore. Her eyes are so blue and wide, Earth luminous in them. James thinks she looks scared to death. Earth is such a hard place for her. She was born there but spent every second of her life trying to get away from it.

She doesn't move after Ami.

"Kaidan, I don't want to do this anymore," she whispers to herself. James can just make it out. Her eyes are so far away, looking into the past and things he can't see. Just like Kaidan on top of the secret place. "Please. Please. I don't want to. Anderson... please."

"Come on, Shepard," Ami calls softly. "The orchard is waiting."

"What...what do you need me to do?" Shepard stammers, and it reminds James of something awful.

The way Hackett had called over the comm that the Crucible wasn't firing. How she'd answered and she had sounded like a dead woman walking, crawling even.

Of Hackett telling everyone to jump through the Charon relay, because she'd done it.

Of Kaidan shattered in the med bay.

Of the fight Joker and Kaidan had gotten into afterwards, over EDI and over leaving Shepard behind. EDI's body had lay still, cold and broken metal, while Shepard had lay warm and bleeding in the rubble, and the two men who loved them tried to deal.

Of leaving her behind to die.

Gently he takes Shepard's elbow, and her feet begin to move towards the beam. She's shaking.

"It's alright, Lola. This is totally safe now. It'll just shake a little when you come out the other side, but I've got you, and I won't let you fall. They stabilized it since you went through last. I've got you."

She mouths something mutely, words stuck in her throat.

James glances back once to see Ash for the last time, before the beam pulls him. She smiles.

There's a strange jerk behind his naval, like he's on a rollercoaster, before the Citadel dissolves into a bright white light, and the London terminal resolves around him.

The London Beam Centre is built as a memorial to all that died in the war, and also as a travel hub. A lot of humans now work on the Citadel, in admin, or just in construction on the destroyed sections of the Wards and use the beam as an instantaneous travel method every day.

It gleams around them, all bright steel and modern asymmetrical lines. The beam gleams off every surface, harsh in James' eyes. Shepard squints against it.

She stumbles and almost falls, but he holds her up, her every limb shaking violently. Ami's face is stricken on Shepard's other side.

"Shepard, dear?" she asks. "Are you OK?"

Shepard shakes her head, and stands, immediately dashing off to the nearest publish restroom, just off to the side. Commuters watch her with alarm as she nearly knocks someone over in her haste.

James tears after her and enters the restroom just in time to see her vomit bile up into the sink. Her hands shake on the porcelain, her face clammy.

"Hey, now. You made it through," he says, rubbing her back. "That was so badass of you."

She looks struck dumb and mute. She just shakes her head, splashing water onto her face in a vain attempt to stop shaking. Her pupils are blown wide.

The docs said she had PTSD after the war, but she'd gotten much better in the last year. All this must have brought it back for her. They should have taken a damn shuttle, waste of time and chances of sabotage be damned.

Shepard hadn't wanted to risk the press. They camped outside her apartment, and followed her everywhere. The beam had seemed the quickest and safest way to get to Earth. A lot of the Fleet is still gathered around Earth, and getting clearance for a shuttle sometimes takes processing for security reasons.

He thinks it was a mistake. Ami, dashes into the restroom a second later.

"There, there. I know. It's not fun at all. Come on, we'll head to the house, get you settled. I'll set up Kaidan's old room for you and you can have a nap. We can have a look through some more of his old things," she says, leading Shepard out, and to the shuttles.

Shepard nods along, and James is sure she has no idea what Ami is actually saying. Still, she keeps up a determinedly happy chatter as Shepard sits mutely.

The Alliance provided them with transport to Vancouver at least, and Hackett offered Shepard a guard detail. She refused, telling him James was enough for her.

He's never been prouder of himself before, that she trusts him so much.

He won't let her _or_ Kaidan down.

* * *

The house is isolated, but sprawling. Snow is heavy on the grounds this time of year, but it's actually beautiful to James. He grew up by the beach, and thinks that's his idea of heaven, but he can see the attraction in the fields of grapes, withered by frost.

No wonder Kaidan won't shut up about this place.

It's quiet here, away from the cities. Snow crunches under his boots as he takes their bags from the shuttle and heads towards the massive house. He can see a frozen lake in the distance, and beyond that, a great oak tree.

James has never been here before, and he never quite realized how well off the Alenkos must be to have such a property.

It's old style and rustic, but well taken care of. Apple trees, bare of their leaves, are scattered around the grounds. Shepard glances at them as she trudges to the front door, and her gaze fixes on the horizon, beyond the lake.

"Been a long time since I've been to Earth," she finally mumbles. "It's colder than I remember."

"Come on, you two, inside," Ami says, unlocking the front door. "I'll start some warm lunch, and get you settled."

Inside, James glances around. It's cold and dim, but Ami bustles around flicking on lights, and starts the heating. The house is large, James can see some stairs heading to a second floor, and he thinks there might be an attic too.

There's pictures on the walls of the little boy in the photo album Ami and Shepard had looked through in the hospital, along with a man that just looks like an older version of Kaidan, scowling out at them.

"That's Casimir," Shepard says quietly. "Kaidan's dad. Kaidan said he was kinda... brief, you know? Didn't like showing his emotions much, but he was a good man. Proud of Kaidan." She looks away. "They found his signet and wedding rings in a pile of ashes... husk ashes. We haven't told Ami, but Kaidan and I suspect he was turned into a husk... before the Crucible vaporized him."

She laughs bitterly. "Isn't that funny? I killed my father-in-law. I'm really good at destruction. Not creation."

James opens his mouth to protest, but she's already moving further into the house and he snaps his jaw shut.


	9. Chapter 9

Dinner that night is quiet. The orchard seems so hushed to Shepard after living on a ship for three years and then her home on the Citadel. The Strip is always lively. She often sat by the windows when being mobile was too hard and watched the skycars zoom to their destinations, the lights streaming like a river of lights.

It might not have been Kaidan's idea of a nice view, but it was _hers._ The mess, the chaos, the imperfect nature of the Strip with its pretty lights and endless possibilities is her favorite thing. It's her home, her permanent twilight.

She feels… disquieted as she sits at the family table, a long, scarred and clearly well-used sitting place. Shepard spoons soup into her mouth and listens to Ami prattle on to James about apples and wine or something inane like that. She wishes she could contribute, but truthfully she doesn't know what to say. Words seem long and hard, and she's barely spoken since they arrived. The soup tastes like ashes, but she forces it down. Must stay strong. She can't afford to be weak. Commander Shepard isn't allowed to be weak.

She misses Kaidan. She misses his solid weight beside her, his low voice, the way she never felt alone. His kind, brown eyes, his smiles. His hugs. Everything about him. He's locked millions of miles away from her. He let her be weak sometimes, and never laughed or judged. She loves James like a brother, but she doesn't know how to say to him how scared she was at the beam. How embarrassed she is still. How she wishes she had steel in her spine and an titanium tempered, eezo-strong heart. How she wishes she could rip away all her bad thoughts and leave her old self behind. Her old self was stupid and angry, but she was a tough old bitch and Shepard wants her back.

Her hand traces a long scratch in the table and she wonders if this was where Kaidan sat as a little boy, perhaps accidentally ruining the table with a stray knife or fork.

She gives a low sniff, her nose runny. It's cold in the house still and dark in the shadows. Her feet won't get warm no matter how many socks she piles on, and her bones ache. She misses the climate control of her ultra modern apartment. The Alenko orchard is lovely but old, and the heating doesn't seem to work as well in the dead of winter.

She stands from the table abruptly, sick from the soup, her aching heart and the shivers that keep making her muscles cramp.

"Ma, I'm going to bed. We'll look at Kaidan's old stuff tomorrow or something. I'm tired and cold."

Ami looks up from the deep discussion over grapes she was having with James, her smile faltering. "Oh. Alright, Shepard, dear. I made up Kaidan's old room for you. You know where it is?"

"Yeah." She nods. "Sure it hasn't moved from last time. Night."

"Goodnight, sweetheart. Call me if you need me. I'll just be down the hall."

"Night, Lola," James calls to her retreating back. She waves distractedly.

It's warmer in Kaidan's childhood room, but not by much. She undresses quickly, her naked skin puckering in the chilled air. She pauses before the mirror before she pulls on her nightshirt and hates what she sees.

Scars crisscross her stomach and thighs, faded from what they were before, but still stark. The pale lines gleam in the moonlight.

She jerks away from the mirror in disgust, and quickly pulls the shirt over her head. She gathers a fistful of fabric and presses it to her nose, deeply inhaling the musky scent of her husband. Her suddenly pounding heart calms a little. Normally he would kiss her, and tell her she's beautiful. He would lie on the bed with her and kiss every little scar. Worship her with his eyes and mouth and heart and mind. She wants him. She misses him. It's cold. Tears sting her eyes.

Looking for a distraction she casts her eyes around the room, eyeing the childish model Alliance ships hanging from the wall, the little gadgets built and carefully set on top of the drawers. A reluctant smile twitches her mouth. Kaidan's such a nerd, apparently even as a small child.

Her eyes alight on polished silver and she picks a model fighter up, examining it. It's an old model, maybe thirty years old, but well cared for, its edges a little scuffed from play. Not at all like the ones that still reside in her _Normandy_ cabin. They're practically mint condition, and worth a lot of money, but Kaidan's is something a boy would play with out in the fields, holding it high and making zooming noises. Not to be shoved on a shelf and forgotten. Shepard pictures a little boy with dark, curly hair giggling and pretending to be just like his dad, out saving the galaxy being a soldier.

She tells herself she's thinking of Casimir and Kaidan, and no one else.

Her finger rubs the edge of the model, as she remembers another sandy-haired boy playing in the garden of the Vancouver Alliance HQ, and how he was blown to bits an hour later as she watched and did nothing. She could have saved him. She should have crawled into the vent after him, dragged him out kicking and screaming if she had to.

Shepard frowns, putting the model back down. He didn't need to die. He had barely begun to live.

Slowly she crawls into bed, her muscles screaming at her. The beam light is harsh in her mind's eye.

Her nose is runny again, so she sniffs to try and clear it. It doesn't work, and she can't help the tiny muffled whimper that breaks from her mouth, tears running hot down her face.

She wishes to god she could stop. She hates this. Hates her weakness. It's not fair. She's better than this.

Footsteps pad by her room, and she stuffs her hand in her mouth to silence herself, praying that the steps move on to their own room. She can tell it's James by the heavy footfalls.

There's a soft knock on the door and she curses.

"Lola? You OK?"

"I'm fine," she tries to say, but it comes out sounding tear-choked. "I'm completely fine."

"Can I come in?"

Shepard can't speak again. She doesn't want him to come in, but she doesn't want him to go away either. In the gloom, she sees him poke his head in, his eyes half shut.

"James, I'm not naked. Don't worry."

His eyes pop open. "Oh. OK."

His face softens when he notices the tears on her face, so she gathers the covers around her, and rolls to face the wall.

"I'm not crying. It's just an allergic reaction to all the dust. That's all," she mumbles.

James gives a fake cough. "Yeah. Yeah, me too, actually. My eyes haven't stopped running the whole time we've been here."

Shepard has to grin at the kind lie.

He pads across the room, and she feels the bed depress when he sits down. He fumbles with something and she realizes he's taking off his boots.

"Scoot over," he says, so she does. Shepard can hear a owl hoot outside, and feels so empty inside. She wonders if Kaidan is sleeping, if he feels so empty, too.

James rolls onto the bed and she turns to his great chest, buries her head into it and begins to sob. His arms immediately come around her, warm and large.

"I got you, Lola. I know."

His shirt is already soaked and snotty, and she tries to stop her shoulders shaking but can't. She hates. She hates everything about herself.

"I just- I'm sorry," she blubbers, trying to firm her voice. "I don't know what's wrong. I'm just so tired and cold, and lonely, and I miss him. And I don't feel safe without him here. I'm scared."

James looks down at her, hazel eyes kind and gentle. "About what? The stalker? You know he's not getting through me."

"That, too. But not just that. I don't know how to do this."

"Do what?"

She shakes her head, unable to voice her feelings. She can't even form the words in her mind. The model ships shine at her in the silvery light. She feels stunted, like a small thing with its wings pulled off, buffeted by solar winds.

"I just want Kaidan back."

He kisses her hair. "Come on, _chica_. You can do this. You got through dying and you can get through this."

Shepard shakes her head, hating that he brought that up. She didn't so much as get through it as bear it until she could breathe without thinking of the SR-1 burning down around her.

"I can't die this time, Jimmy. I can't afford to. I have too much to live for," she whispers. There's a long pause where James doesn't say anything, but she doesn't mind. What can he say? There's no guarantee, and they're both soldiers. They know the score.

"You won't die. Don't be such a drama queen," he says to her surprise.

Shepard snorts. "Me? I'm not the one who has a breakdown if there are no eggs in the house." She wets her dry lips, thinking of the looming dark and cold night. Having an actual natural day and night cycle is disconcerting. "Can you sleep with me?"

"I don't think that's what Kaidan had in mind when he said for me to take care of you," he jokes.

Shepard gives a snuffly giggle. "You couldn't satisfy me in that way anyway, Hot Stuff. Kaidan regularly has to prepare himself months ahead for a night of loving with me. I'm like a sex vampire."

He gives a great booming laugh, and her whole body feels it. She smiles, feeling her cheeks sting from salty tears, but feels a little better.

James wiggles and puts his legs under the covers. She curls against him, absorbing his body heat. He's really quite pleasant to lie with, his body warmer than even her biotic metabolism makes her own.

"You're a really big teddy bear, Jimmy Vega."

She tangles her legs with his and runs her freezing cold foot up his leg. He gives a yelp.

"You're a block of ice. How does Kaidan stand you?"

"He keeps me warm."

"He'll be back soon. You'll see."

Shepard hopes that's not a platitude, but knows better. She turns her head into his chest, trying to imagine it's her husband, and shuts her eyes.

"Oh, uh, by the way. I kinda slept with Ash. Just so you know."

She laughs again. "I know, you idiot. The whole Beam terminal probably knows the way you were going at it. You wait till I get a chance to tell LT. He's so gonna laugh at you and give you so much shit. Ooh, we should go on double dates!" she jokes, making sure to put extra pep in her voice.

He groans. "You are the worst person for girl talk."

"You're not a girl."

He gasps, mock-offended. "But I thought we were best girlbuds forever?"

Shepard punches him in the shoulder. "I'm not Kaidan. You two go drink your beer and cry over your feelings, and Ash and I will drink the hard stuff and mud wrestle or something."

"Ha. I'd pay to see that."

There's a pause. His hand settles on her shoulder and rubs it softly. She gives one last sniff, and feels her eyes dry. Her tummy is unsettled and sore, but she'll just have to deal with that. At least she thinks she can sleep now.

"I think… I think I have really serious, um, scary feelings for her," he says quietly. "I think I have for a long time. I'm not really good at this relationship stuff, but I'm trying."

"Sometimes trying is all you can do. I think she feels scary things for you, too." James makes a weird little nervous tick at that and she smiles. "Just… don't give up, OK?

"Is that a secret N7 surprise mission order?" he asks.

"Yup." Shepard nods. "One I will kick your ass if you fuck up."

Outside it begins to snow. She watches from the nest of blankets and James' arms as it settles on the ground outside. Her blinks slow, her eyelids become heavy.

_Kaidan_, she thinks just before she drifts off. _The oak tree has so much snow. It's cold._

* * *

Ash and her team of C-SEC agents stealthily pace through the warehouse coordinates the VIs had given her.

It's quiet. Too quiet.

Rats scurry around her boots. The warehouse is in a rundown area of the Wards, a section mostly destroyed when the Reapers took the Citadel. No wonder Shepard's stalker chose it. No one would voluntarily come here.

It's disgusting. The sewage system hasn't even been repaired yet. She thinks the warehouse has to be some base for his planning, rather than a residence.

She can't shake the feeling that whoever had done all these things to Kaidan and Shepard had to be extremely clever. Possibly a sociopath. Without VIs and sophisticated mathematics (even she has no damn idea how it works) she would never have been able to link him to this place. It had almost been untraceable.

The stalker also had to have some kind of hacking skill, or connections to be able to access the footage of Kaidan beating Burke.

Ash's belly is a bundle of nerves, her muscles primed and tight. Her heart beats quickly, but steadily as she raises her gun. Let's see him hack his way out of a bullet hole to the brain.

Ahead of them a turian C-SEC agent takes point, positioning himself by a door that seems to lead to an office.

Ash nods, and the turian kicks it in.

"Clear!" he calls, voice deep and flanging. "Looks like whoever owns it has left already."

She heads inside. The turian beside her gasps at what he sees.

Ash stays calm, but only by sheer force of will. She's never been so angry or horrified.

The whole back wall is plastered with pictures of Shepard. As a child, scratchy old pictures that he would have had to dig up from archives with considerable effort. As a young soldier, just starting out in the Alliance with an overlarge uniform and a waif-like build. Naked pictures, taken with a long angled lens. She wants to rip them off the wall, but is stopped by the thought that they need them for evidence.

Ash frowns as her eyes land on a picture of the Alenko's wedding. There is a man holding Shepard, but it's not Kaidan, obviously digitally altered by the stalker. Her skin crawls, a shiver racing up her spine.

She knows that face. She sees it every damn day.

"Holy shit," she breathes. "Call the Spectre office. I want him arrested, now!" she barks to the C-SEC agents milling around the room.

The turian manifests his 'tool. She hears a scattered conversation and then he turns to her, mandibles flapping with anxiety.

"It's too late. He took the Beam down to Earth over six hours ago."

Ash swears, and starts running.

This was the plan. Get Shepard to Earth. Kaidan out of the way. He planned it all. He_ faked_ his own assault to slip away from work.

She believed him, but the whole time he had all the access to _everything. _He knew where Shepard would be. Kaidan spoke about the orchard enough at work, how isolated it was.

Earth isn't like the Citadel. It's so easy to get lost there. For all the Citadel's faults, it's hard to hide from C-SEC once you're wanted.

He never counted on having to hide from Ashley Williams, and she's going to make him regret it.

* * *

Shepard wakes up in the night, needing to pee. She grumbles to herself as she extracts her body from the snoring James, who has somehow managed to take over most of the bed.

Whoops. She gives a smothered laugh. She'll have to explain to Ami tomorrow why he slept in her room. Kaidan wouldn't care because he knows what they're like, but his mother must think she's having some kind of brazen affair.

Although… judging by the way she let it happen, Shepard thinks she understands. James and Ami were very friendly at dinner. Perhaps Ami's a little bit sweet on Jimmy.

She's just putting her foot on the floor when there's a muffled scream.

Quickly, she thumps James in the shoulder and makes the hand signal to keep him silent. His eyes darken as he pulls his boots on, no longer her big teddy bear but a deadly marine.

Shepard silently straps on her precious thigh holster, the same one Kaidan had brought her in the hospital, and opens the door, heart pounding.

Ami's in trouble. She can't afford to choke.

James follows behind her, somehow producing a sidearm he must have had concealed on himself.

The floorboards creak under her bare feet, and she curses herself for leaving her boots in the living room. The shadows seem to leer out at her.

"Not another step," a gruff voice says, and Shepard spins.

A man has a gun pointed at Ami's head. Her face is terrified. She's only in her nightgown, appearing to have just been ripped from her bed.

The man's face is in shadows and Shepard doesn't recognise him.

"Let her go," she says calmly. "You're here for me, right?"

"I've come for you, sweetheart," he croons, his eyes wild. "I knew I couldn't get to you on the Citadel with your precious husband there. So I went with my back up plan. Leaked some vids. Got him out of the way. I killed Burke for you." He spits. "He was disgusting anyway. I would have killed him even if it didn't get rid of Alenko. How dare he say those things to you?"

"_You_ killed him? You leaked the vids? How? How did you get in and out?"

He doesn't seem to hear her, and she knows beyond any doubt that he's insane. "I've made a place for us to live in peace, right on your home planet. It's even better. You'll see."

"Earth is not my home. You are deluded," Shepard bites out, her eyes fixed on Ami, trying to calm her with just a reassuring look. "I will kill you if you hurt her."

"Watch it," James snarls. "You make one wrong move, buddy, and my bullet makes new best friends with your head."

"No!" he screams. "Shepard is coming with me, and you'll all get out of our way! You're not supposed to be here!"

He grips Ami tightly by the neck.

It seems to happen in instants. He shoves her more firmly in front of himself, raises his gun, and fires. James dodges out of the way, and tries to rush the stalker. Ami screams again as they struggle for the gun. Shepard aims but can't get a clear shot.

Her heart is frantic in her chest, a hummingbird of panic. Their bodies are a whirl she can't control. She can't fire lest she hit James or Ami, and she can't throw them with biotics without hurting them all either.

There's a bang, and she dares to hope James shot the stalker. Her best friend stumbles away, and then collapses to his knees.

She's too slow. Forever too slow. No escape pod. No pulling the boy from the vent. No avoiding the beam. Shot in her own kitchen.

Her brother lays on the ground, bleeding to death.

Blood gushes from James' chest. She's at his side in seconds. Ami is screaming. There's blood on the walls and on Shepard's face, spattered there by the bullet impact.

"No, no, no." She presses her hands over his wound. "No, Milo." She doesn't even realize she called him by the wrong name until it's out of her mouth. She can't think. She can't breathe. He's going to die on her. _For her_. It's all her fault again. "Please, please."

"Lola," he gasps. "You gotta get out of here. Forget me."

"No, no. I'm going to save you. I'm going to save you," she whispers. Her hands are coated in his blood, warm and crimson. His hazel eyes watch her, cloudy and dimming.

"Get up," the man snarls. "Get up, now, or I shoot the Alenko bitch here."

Shepard kisses James on the cheek, stands with her hands dripping blood and hate in her eyes. She's going to kill him.

"Here's how it works," he says. "I let Mrs. Alenko go. Maybe she has enough time to call an ambulance for the 'roid head here. Maybe she doesn't. Your choice, darling. You come with me, and we walk out of here without anyone else getting hurt."

Shepard looks at the pool of blood forming under James. Her stomach gives a weird flutter. She makes a snap decision. She's going to be brave again.

"If I go with you, we leave right now, and you don't hurt them anymore."

It's OK, she tells herself. She'll just kill him as soon as they're clear. She still has her amp. He can't disarm her fully. She won't let him. As soon as they walk out the house, she'll cave his head inwards. No big deal. This isn't a sacrifice. This isn't the _Normandy_. This isn't a beam run. She's not sacrificing her tiny hope again.

He nods. "I promise. Throw your gun on the ground, and turn around. I'll bind your hands."

Shepard winces internally. Bound hands will be harder, but if she uses just the right amount of biotic strength she should be able to snap them. If he uses omni-cuffs, it'll badly damage her wrists, but they'll still be functional.

She throws her gun on the floor. To throw the hunk metal down is like showing her soft underbelly to the wolves, but she does it for James. She can be brave. She's going to be her old self.

Her stalker watches her warily, still gripping Ami by the neck.

"No, Shepard," Ami begs. "Don't."

Shepard meets her eyes, unafraid. "There isn't anything I wouldn't do to keep my family safe. It'll be OK, Mom."

James makes a weak gurgle, and she wants to be back in the room, cuddling with him. She wants him safe up on the Citadel with Ash, living a long life.

_I'm sorry, Kaidan._

Holding Ami by the throat with one hand, her stalker uses the other to shove Shepard against the wall. She tries to catch herself with one hand, but smacks into it hard. She bites her lips, furious.

She feels him cuff her hands behind her back, and then turn her, holding her wrist with a tight grip. Omni-cuffs. Perfect. That's gonna sting like a fucking bitch.

Grinning triumphantly, he throws Ami to the floor towards James' limp form and then yanks Shepard away.

"Call an ambulance!" Shepard yells as she's led out. "Right away, Ami! And keep pressure up onto the wound. James, please hold on."

"Shut up," the man snarls as he pulls open the front door. Shepard's wonders how he initially broke in. Probably smashed one of the many windows and crawled through. "Forget them. It's time for your new life with me to begin. I've got us a little home. It's underground, but I've made it very nice. You'll love it. The Reapers left it behind for us."

Outside the moon shines pale and cold. The snow stings her feet as she walk barefoot, and the wind batters her bare legs. She wishes she had more on. She would kill a Reaper again for her armor.

Once they're an appropriate distance from the house, she strikes.

With a yell, she gathers energy into her palms, and _pulls. _The cuffs strain and snap, she smells her own burning flesh and a jolt zip up her arm from the cuffs. She knows she's burned herself very, very badly, but at least she's free.

In seconds, she turns and thrusts her hand out. A missile slams into him and throws him across the snow. It's weak, but it's something.

He skids across the pure white flakes, leaving a long crevice and then growls with anger. To her horror, he waves his omni-tool and tech armor burst into life against his body.

_Fuck. Sentinel trained._

She retreats a little, her hands held in front of her protectively, biotic energy shimmering in them. He seems hesitant to use his gun on her, for fear of killing her.

Shepard knows she's at a tactical disadvantage so scantily clothed, and unarmed, so she tries to throw another burst of biotic energy at him. It explodes against his armor, the Warp shearing away some of its energy, but doesn't take it down.

He charges for her, realizing his advantage in being larger and getting into a close range.

Shepard braces her feet and holds her ground against his battering body. She's punched in the face, and reels back. She tries to protect her centre but he punches her again in the stomach. In a burst of fury she knocks a tooth out, and feels his teeth skim skin off her knuckles. Her biotics flare, trying to force him off. His tech armor sparks. His hand scrambles at the back of her neck, trying to rip out her amp, but she reels back, stopping him.

He hooks his leg behind hers and yanks. Her bad leg collapses beneath her, but he puts too much force into his manoeuvre, and helpless to stop her fall, she plummets backwards, hands scrambling in the air desperately.

Something hits the back of her head with blinding force and she knows then that he might have killed her.

In her ears something crunches, the sound deafening. It echoes across the clear night, and Shepard knows it just wasn't her imagination that made that sound.

"No!" Someone is screaming. "No! No! You silly girl!"

She blinks up at the stars stupidly, the most pain she's even known racing through her skull.

_I used to own those stars. They used to be me. I used to sleep among them. That's me and Kaidan and where we made-_

Her thoughts are shiny soap bubbles, drifting into the air and popping, opalescent against the inky backdrop of night.

She tastes iron and smells a strange scent, like flowers and apples and death, and the ashes of millions she once inhaled on Thessia as the world burnt. Her bones shudder. She can see the oak tree from this angle. She wants to lie down with him.

_I'm sorry, Kaidan._

She looks at the man who threw her to the ground and fractured her skull, and thinks his will be the last face she sees before dying again. She'd prefer Joker. She wishes she had said sorry to Joker again.

_It's funny_, she thinks to herself as blood starts melting the snow beneath her head. _I know who you are now._

He's hysterical. "No! No! You silly thing! You silly thing. There's a rock there, sweetheart. Oh no," he moans. "You've hurt yourself. Oh your pretty, pretty hair." He gropes at her skull, and something shifts there that is never meant to shift. He moans louder. "Why did you have to struggle, baby? I wouldn't have hurt you."

He gathers her into his arms, his face clear in the moonlight. An owl hoots across the orchard, taking flight. The wind whistles in her ears. What a nice place to die. She would have preferred it wasn't Earth, but Kaidan's home is not so bad. She wants to be buried under the oak tree. She hopes Kaidan doesn't cry. She hates it when he cries. He cried the last time they stood beside it, and she wanted to rip her heart away and build walls around him and say, _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry_ forever until the words lost all meaning and echoed into space. At least he'll have her body this time. No Cerberus.

She feels something slow inside her brain, a strange buoyancy stealing her rationale. A little girl with dark curls running with a model ship through the grape fields flashes across her vision and is burned away by a Reaper's horn.

_Braamm. Red lights. Beam. My head hurts. A million fractured stars and only I can have them, Kaidan. Where are you? I can't see your face._

"Dustan," she says. Her voice has a thready quality that reminds her of spider webs and desiccation. Everything is distant and disconnected, even the pain fading.

"Why?"

"Isn't it obvious?" he smiles, tears in his eyes. He leans down and presses his lips to hers. Her hands flutter weakly, but she's on the verge of oblivion. She can't move her head. "Because I adore you, Shepard."

The last thing Shepard feels before passing out is him picking her up. As if to echo her disgust, she regurgitates all of Ma's soup onto his shirt and knows no more.


	10. Chapter 10

Ash runs. She runs like she has never before. The beam is the quickest way to Earth, so as she breaks every imaginable speed limit in Citadel space she calls Bailey, quickly explaining to him about Dustan, and how she has reason to believe he's going after Shepard.

He promises to talk to the Council and have Kaidan released immediately but by that time the beam is in sight of her skycar, and Ash hangs up. She thanks god, as she sprints for the terminal, that she's still heavily armed from the raid on the warehouse. She's going to nail that sonvabitch to the wall. He played them all. Made a fool of her. Took advantage of Kaidan's and Shepard's kindness. She wonders if he even has a wife and family, if it was all a lie to ingratiate himself to the Alenkos, make them think he was someone harmless. Kaidan would have fallen hook line and sinker for the act of being a family man, just working hard for his wife and kids.

As Ash skids across the tiled floor, running for the light that will bring her to Earth, she wonders if Dustan took the job at the Spectre offices just to be close to Shepard. He must have watched her the whole time throughout the war, fixated on her. And it was only now he was enacting his plans. No wonder he knew so many things about her. Workers at the Spectre office had access to all sorts of data. He could access Kaidan's Spectre codes without much effort, and knew how not to trigger alerts.

Goddammit. People who worked there were supposed to be screened appropriately for psychological issues. Perhaps in the chaos of the Reaper War it was neglected, or he could act very well and hide his infatuation. Sociopaths usually could. How long had he haunted her footsteps? Watched her every day when she went into work? Used and abused his power to obtain private information?

The fact that Shepard was on medical leave and ceased going into work must have frustrated him, and caused him to enact this sick plan. He couldn't get his kicks at work, so he began watching her private life, thinking up some way to get her all to himself.

Ash leaps into the beam, ignoring the stares of startled commuters, and prays she's not too late for Shepard.

_And James. _

* * *

Ash arrives to her worst nightmare.

There's police cars gathered around the orchard. As she hops out of the shuttle she rented from London, she notes a strange discoloration on the snow in which three police officers are gathered around.

It's red.

She curses the time it took to get down the beam, to London, and across to Canada. She's failed. It's too late. Her heart is a jackhammer in her chest.

_Oh god, Shepard. No. _

"Spectre Williams," she barks to the nearest cop, quickly waving her small Spectre badge she keeps on her person. "What's going on? I'm looking for Commander Shepard."

The doughy middle aged cop turns to her, gesturing to the red mixed with the white snow.

"Spectre, we're glad you're here. The Commander was taken. We don't have many leads." The cop shifts awkwardly, drawing his police jacket around him tightly against the cold air. Ash feels cold inside, and not just from the crisp Canadian air. "She was taken with a lot of struggle by the looks of it. Lot of marks in the snow. Lot of blood. He might have killed her and taken the body. Freaks like that do anything to get their kicks, if you know what I mean." He winces, obviously not enjoying the reality of his job at all in that moment.

Ash can't hold in her gasp. "_What?"_

"We got an emergency call. Somebody slipped in the house and held Mrs. Alenko hostage. Shot the bodyguard, and blackmailed the Commander with their lives."

Her world stops spinning for a moment. From a faraway place she hears herself say in a remarkably calm voice, "Shot the bodyguard? Lieutenant James Vega?"

The cop sniffs, his nose dripping in the dewy air. The sun is beginning to rise over the horizon, and Ash thinks it's the most harsh, ugliest thing she's ever seen. The yellow and orange smeared into the clouds seems to mock her, as does the blood on the ground.

"Yeah. That was his name. They bundled him off to hospital. Didn't look good. Docs think he's gonna croak it. Might have."

It's only with all her military training that Ash smothers the strangled cry that fights to emerge from her throat.

"He's dead?"

_James, James, James. Please no. Please, god. No. _

The cop shrugs. "Not when he was put in the ambulance. Damn nasty hole in his chest, though. Another minute and he would be dead."

Ash pauses for a second, places her hands on her hips, and tries desperately to breath past the obstruction in her throat. She doesn't know how to feel, how to deal. James. She has so many feelings for him. So many confused thoughts and emotions. When he had touched her the night before, her heart had sang, as if finally reunited with her other half. It was almost like poetry, like she was finally learning what they wrote about. Maybe not just learning, but rediscovering. Opening her heart to him, after so long trying to shut him out.

He couldn't die. He couldn't.

She tamps down the panic rising in her chest, the nasty voice that says Shepard couldn't die either, but she was ripped away from Kaidan when they were just beginning over three years ago. He had sat at her funeral and couldn't cry, couldn't react, couldn't breathe.

And now Ash has to do the same. She has her job. Her duty.

"OK," she says, trying to steady her voice. She clears her throat, coughing as the air sticks to it, and her eyes prick with moisture. "Where is Mrs. Alenko? I would like to speak with her, see if there are any clues to where Shepard might have been taken."

The cop gestures towards the house. "Inside. We have a female officer speaking to her, trying to console her. She's pretty... distressed. Told us Shepard only surrendered to save her." He shakes his head. "Damn shame. That woman's a hero in my books. Shepard's the only reason my little boy is alive today. Nearly got eaten by a husk, but zap! She fired that weird beam thing and it just turned to ashes."

He turns away, his gaze fixing on the large pool of frozen blood, and to Ash's surprise there's a tiny sheen of tears in his eyes. She never really thinks about how the general population perceives Shepard. That they aren't all creeps and weirdos obsessed with her fame. She realizes that maybe Shepard saved far more than she ever truly let herself think about.

Inside the house Ash pads into the living room to see Ami sobbing into her hands quietly.

A female officer sits beside her, patting her back to little effect.

"Can you give us a minute?" Ash says, flashing her badge, and the officer nods, leaving the room.

Ami looks up, her amber eyes swimming with tears. "Oh, Ashley, sweetheart. He took my beautiful daughter. Kaidan will never forgive me. It was my fault. All my fault. He grabbed me, and she was so brave. She did it to save me." She breaks into fresh, muffled little cries. "Oh and Mr. Vega. Such a sweet man. He tried to protect us, and he was shot. There was blood everywhere. I screamed and screamed." She buries her head in her hands, rocking back and forth a little on the chair. "Oh Casimir. Oh Casimir. You should be here. You would never have allowed it to happen. Our home. Oh no."

"There, there, Ami," Ash soothes, falling to her knees and wrapping her into a tight hug. "I know. But James is..." She takes a deep breath, burying her own tears again. "James is a fighter. He's going to be OK. I know him. He's stubborn as a mule. I'm gonna find Shepard. I'm gonna get her back."

Ami shakes her head mutely.

There's a sudden commotion from the door, shouts, sounds of a scuffle, and suddenly Kaidan bursts into the room, eyes wild.

"Where is she?" he demands, his voice raised and panicked. "Where is my wife?"

Ash stands as he all but grabs a cop and shakes him to get an answer.

"LT," she says gently, prising his hands off the cop's lapels. "She's gone. I'm sorry."

"No," he rejects immediately. "No. She can't be gone. She was safe here. Safe in our home. She can't be gone. Where is she? Stop lying to me Ash."

He's not even fully dressed. He's pulled on his blue Alliance armor, but half of it is undone, the seals unclasped. He has a full weapon loadout strapped to his back, but she thinks he looks anything but prepared. His face is milk-white, his hair in disarray, and there's a strange hopeful panic on his face, as if Ash was suddenly going to pull Shepard from the closet and say it was all a cruel joke.

"Mom," he says, striding over to Ami. "Where's James? Where's Shepard?"

Ami shakes her head again and stands, tears slipping down her face. "Kaidan, honey. You know. You saw the blood outside. Shepard was taken by that man. James was hurt trying to protect us."

He shakes his head. "No. Shepard can't be hurt. That blood wasn't hers." His face crumples. "Oh god. All the blood. The cops said it came from her head. That some of her hair strands were mixed in. She hit her head, Ma. She hit her head. What has he done to her?"

Fresh tears fall down Kaidan's mother's face as she reaches forward and pulls him down into a hug.

Ash tries to looks away, but can't. In any other situation it would be hilarious to see the much larger Kaidan fold against his mother. She's tiny, even maybe smaller than Shepard, but in that moment she seems giant, untapped steel in her spine. Her son's shoulders shake against her as she holds him tightly.

"You're gonna be alright, Kaidan. You always are. You're going to find her, because I know you. And you're just like your father. You protect the ones you love," Ash can just make out her whisper to him. "You might think I'm some old fool, but I saw the signs. I know, alright? I know how hard this is for you."

Kaidan pulls back from her, visibly calming. Ash places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes. He nods at her gratefully, some color back in his face. His face is marble, emotion wiped.

"OK," he breathes, straightening his armor. "What have we got? Where could he have taken her?" He turns to Ash. "How is James?"

"I don't know. The cops said they took him to the hospital and he was hanging on. But it... it didn't look good. I want to go see him." She takes a deep breath, meeting Kaidan's eyes. They're kind and sympathetic and she wishes he was raging again instead. She can't bear those eyes looking at her like that. "But Shepard has to come first at the moment. I can't help James now. I can help Shepard."

Kaidan nods. "Thanks, Ash. It's driving me crazy we can't go see him, but we have to let the doctors work. Besides, he'd hate us if we wasted time when we could be finding Shepard."

He turns to his mother and pats her on the shoulder. "Are you going to be OK? I need to find Shepard, but Ma, you were so brave."

Ami shakes her head. "No. I was scared. Terrified, really. She was the brave one. She stood there and barely blinked at him."

"I know, Ma. I know. Shepard's like that. Don't blame yourself. She would do anything to protect her family, you know that. Blame Dustan." Kaidan's face darkens. "I'm gonna kill him. Painfully."

Ami's eyes widen in alarm at Kaidan's tone, but he's already moving out of the house to the early morning dawn.

Ash follows, not feeling the need to calm him. She feels the same rage, after all. The only thing to argue about is who gets to kill Dustan first.

* * *

Outside, Kaidan hunkers down in the snow, watching with sick fascination as blood from Shepard's head dries into the snow. The cops had carried out preliminarily forensics with their omni-tools. There are minute fragments of bone mixed in with her blood on the large, jagged rock, just barely poking up from the snow. Fragments from her skull. She's probably dead. He rubs a hand over his mouth, holding it there, trying to stave off some of the enormous feelings inside. He can't lose it again. Shepard needs him to be calm and rationale and _find her._ She can't be dead, his heart screams at his logical brain. She can't be dead. They were just beginning their lives. They had everything to live for.

There are footsteps behind him, and he can tell from the soft, lithe tread that it's not a cop.

"Council let you go?" Ash asks, hunkering down in the snow with him.

He glances at her. "No. I broke out."

Ash blinks, gaping at him. "You're kidding, right?"

He shrugs. "Does it look like I'm kidding? The Council wanted to investigate. Make sure the press wouldn't tear them to shreds. That takes time. I wasn't waiting around. Screw them. I told Bailey to let me out right now, or I would break out and no one wanted that. He knew I could do it. Hell, I know half of their security systems like the back of my hand. Bailey conveniently left the keys to my cuffs behind. And the door unlocked. And told me to take his skycar. I went down the beam; it's how I got here so quickly. I'm probably still wanted in Citadel space, but they better not even bother taking me in. I won't go quietly. Bailey said he'd stall the Council, and prevent any alert being sent out as long as he can."

"Won't he get in trouble?" Ash asks incredulously.

"I don't think he cares. Neither do I. Shepard is the most important person in my life. Fuck my career. "

Her eyes widen at his uncharacteristic language, but Kaidan can't bring himself to care. He cares about nothing other than seeing Shepard safe at home again.

Dustan could be doing anything. Hurting her. Torturing her. What Burke had threatened...

His hand that's fisted against his thigh starts flaring with dark energy and as Ash looks at him in alarm, he desperately tries to shake it off, tries to calm himself. It doesn't work. He squeezes his eyes shut, sure they've lit up with blue fire, and hates that he can't control himself when it comes to Shepard.

"What have we got?" he grits out through his clenched teeth. "There has to be some clue. He has to have taken her somewhere. He wouldn't be able to get back up the beam, and he would never get clearance in time to get past the flotilla surrounding Earth."

"He has to be on Earth," Ash responds. "I'd wager somewhere in Canada, or even nearby here. He must have planned ahead, had some kind of safe house. If Shepard-"

She breaks off, looking guilty, so Kaidan finishes her sentence for her. "I know what you're going to say. If Shepard is still alive, than he needs to settle somewhere quickly to give her medical attention. He wouldn't want to kill her. She's a prize to him." He gestures to the blood on the ground. "This was either an accident, or he got frustrated with her. She wouldn't have gone quietly once clear of the house. She was still amped. The only way he was able to take her was because he dashed her head against a rock."

Kaidan stares at the rock. The small thing that may have taken everything from him. He wants to pulverize it, reduce it to dust.

_Shepard. Please. You can't leave me behind this time. Not again. You promised me. You promised that we would be OK. That we would be happy. I can't bury you._

He stands, and manifests his 'tool, blinking angry, frustrated tears away.

"Alright. There has to be something in his personnel files to give us a clue. Maybe we could speak to his wife," he mutters, paging through his Spectre files. There's an angry beep.

"Shit!" he swears. "My access is still blocked. I don't have authority."

"Here," Ash stands too, and opens her 'tool. "We'll use mine. It's OK."

She opens the same files Kaidan was trying to access and pulls them up to hover holographically in the air.

He narrows his gaze as he reads them.

"Dustan Woods. Forty-two. No criminal record. No wife and children," Kaidan growls. "He lied about that to seem unassuming and make Shepard and I trust him more. We gave him gifts for fuck's sake. Shepard even tried to bake a cake for me to take into work for his wife, since he said she was really struggling with morning sickness and chocolate helped. Shepard nearly burned the kitchen down, but she did it. She was so damn proud. Goddamit. That bastard."

He pauses, trying not to want to punch himself for being so trusting. For letting the story of Dustan's imaginary children soften his heart. A pit of rage seems to burn in his stomach at how they were played. Unbidden and unwanted, Kaidan's gaze wanders to the oak tree, and he suddenly hates himself so very much. Will there ever be a time he won't let his heart rule his head?

Clearing his throat, he continues. "Did an early stint with the Alliance before being honourably discharged, with multiple commendations. Hmm, looks like he's not a biotic, but has some scattered Sentinel training, specifically made some breakthroughs refining tech armor. Specialized in tech, also worked as an Engineer on some tours of duty. His superiors note he had excellent hacking skills and was adept at working with VIs and other mechs. Explains how he was able to stalk Shepard so extensively," he spits out and pauses again, trying to gather himself.

"It goes on to note," Ash says, reading further ahead. "That he was able to join the Spectre office in administration and cell processing due to his impressive and clean record. He joined right around the time Shepard was made a Spectre. Seems like his obsession kicked in full-force right around then."

"I can't imagine he would stalk her much earlier than that." Kaidan hums, considering. "Aside from Akuze and making the Ns, she wasn't that high profile. I don't know..."

"Well, he certainly dug back anyway, regardless of when his obsession kicked in." Ash turns to him, fully, an almost frightened look on her face. "He had pictures of her as a child when I raided the warehouse, stuck to the walls. Some as a raw recruit, when she was very young. He knows so much about her. It's sick."

Kaidan tempers his steel-like rage against his fires of determination. "He'll pay for that. I promise."

He turns back to the display projected from Ash's 'tool, and reaches out, scrolling through it.

"It says that he was on Earth the day the Reapers hit, on leave from the Spectre office, visiting his home here in Canada. Oh." Kaidan starts a little at what he reads. "It says he was visiting his sister, and her three children. He went to the store to buy some things, and the Reapers... the Reapers sent troops into the house and converted the children and his sister into husks. He spent the rest of the war fighting against them with Anderson's resistance. Hopped on a shuttle to London, and helped fight there as well. Made it out with no injuries. We probably passed him in the London streets, maybe even the forward base, and never even knew."

"Does that help us?" Ash asks.

"It might. It says the house where his sister, niece and nephew died in is still standing. Perhaps he took Shepard there? It's only a few hours away."

"It's worth a try," Ash responds. "But how would he hide her?"

Kaidan pulls up some schematics on her 'tool, using the haptic interface to swipe the projection along and page through new data.

"There's something strange about the house. It's relatively isolated, like the orchard. Hmm. I think... oh no."

"What?" Ash gasps.

"It looks like the house and the surrounds where used as some kind of nightmarish Reaper base camp. It's where they converted a lot of husks. Possibly there's some kind of underground structure. A basement? Here, see? It's in the Alliance records." He moves some more files along. "Alliance scouts gathered intel on it during the war. Reapers kept some indoctrinated servants there, like a small POW camp. The house was large. Dustan and his family were rich. The large, isolated construction might have appealed to the Reapers as some kind of small base because it would be an unlikely target for Alliance strikes. They could operate with impunity and fortify it with heavy guns. In the cities, it was street to street fighting. Alliance soldiers had cover and terrain."

"I thought the Reapers focused on the cities though? And only started moving to the isolated areas late in the war?"

"They did. But there are always exceptions, Chief. I suppose they thought they were being tactically smart, having some kind of base where the Alliance wouldn't expect and they could gather more troops. I don't know. Maybe Dustan is completely cracked. It makes sense in a twisted way to bring Shepard to the place where he lost his family before she could save them."

He nods and Ash closes her 'tool, the orange-yellow display fading. The sun blazes at them now, already half-risen.

Kaidan blinks against it and thinks this is not how he wanted to come home.

"I'm going to check on Ma one last time and then we leave. Radio Hackett and let him know what's happening. Tell him to send Alliance backup if he can," Kaidan says, and Ash nods, patting her gun and activating her comm. "Dustan is probably prepared. Who knows what that house holds? Knowing the Reapers... it won't be nice. The Alliance probably hasn't had a chance to clear it properly. There's scattered Reaper structures everywhere."

Kaidan thinks for a moment if Shepard is still alive, then she'll wake up surrounded by Reaper tech, held prisoner. One of her worst nightmares. She told him that she never wanted to wake up like she had during Project Lazarus. If she's injured, confused...

He sighs, out of his mind with worry and fear. "God, I hope Shepard is OK."

Back inside the house he hugs his mother and promises to bring her daughter-in-law back.

"It'll be OK, Ma. She's tough as they come," he whispers to her hair, drawing comfort from her like he's a small boy again with a migraine she's going to soothe away. "I'm not losing her again."

"I know you will, Kaidan. I know." She sighs. He turns to leave but she stops him. "Listen... Kaidan. I wanted to ask you... how long have you known? _Do_ you know? I couldn't miss the signs, myself. I'm not a fool. I mean, is that why-"

"Ma, _don't_. I know. Of course I know. I don't want to talk about it. Now's not the time. I can't let myself think about it if I'm going to get through this, and be there for Shepard. It just..." He trails off, not able to explain. It hurts too much to think about. To consider. He has too many things to worry about. If he thinks about it, he'll go mad. That kind of history was never meant to repeat.

She nods. "You're right, of course. I'm sorry. You just... you just do what you have to do."

Kaidan kisses her cheek gently, glances at Shepard's boots piled in the lounge room, and steels his courage.

* * *

In the skycar Ash is quiet and Kaidan pulls his own mind away from Shepard for a second, realizing he's being a little bit selfish. He's not the only one with a loved one in trouble.

"How are you doing? It can't be easy, knowing about James. I want to check on him myself."

She sighs. "Was it like this for you? This horrible feeling in your chest? Like you're not sure whether you will ever be the same again if he's not OK?"

"Yes," he answers simply. "It was like that for me. Worse, because I lived two years of knowing beyond all doubt that she was dead and not coming back to me. I would wake up every morning and just for a second think she would be lying beside me and roll over to kick me in the back. That she would just be there. And she wasn't."

Ash turns to him, tears in her eyes. "_How _do you do it?" she asks, voice cracking with emotion. "How can you love like that and go on breathing? It feels like my heart is tearing its way out of my chest. I never should have agreed to drinks. I knew this would happen. It's why we did nothing about it in the war. This is just too hard."

He reaches over and pats her shoulder. "Because when it comes down to it you wouldn't trade a single second of the time you spent together. Even with all the pain. You hold on to your good memories, and you lock them away. They're... they're _something_. You're always going to suffer when you love someone, Chief. It's the price. Some suffer more than most."

"I have feelings for him, LT," she says, as if the words weigh more than she can bear. "They're awful. They're huge. Everyone around me has a habit of dying. I don't want to turn into my sister."

"I know." He sighs. "There's nothing I can do to make you feel any better. James is... Jimmy is my best friend. A brother to Shepard and I. But he's more to you, and nothing I will say will make it stop hurting. Believe me."

Ash turns back to the sky, biting her lip.

"He's going to be fine. As soon as we have Shepard we'll stick them in a room together and watch her make him laugh and blush and be tortured trying to keep them happy. They'll be OK."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I have to," he says. "I can't deal with any other possibility."

* * *

Waking is not a pleasant ordeal for Shepard.

It feels like there's an ice pick being driven into her skull. Awareness flows in dribs and drabs. There's a musty mattress pressed against her nose. She smells mildew and medi-gel. The tang is bitter. She can't tell if it's blood in her mouth or scents slamming her senses. Nothing makes sense. Even lying prone, her head seems stuck in a whirlwind, the world tilting ominously. She clutches the mattress, fearing she's going to slide off it and tries to suppress the vomit rising in her throat. If she vomits again, she might asphyxiate on it.

Experimentally, she cracks an eye open and immediately feels so awful she has to slam it shut again. She has a scattered glimpse of a dark basement, and glowing blue lights. Perhaps she's going insane, remembering a Reaper lab. Maybe she's dead and this is hell.

Unable to help herself, she moans weakly in pain, her leg twitching in a cramp on the mattress.

"Oh, sweetheart. You're finally awake. I gave you some medi-gel once I got you back here, but I'm afraid I'm not much of a medic. Not like _him_."

"Don't call me that," are the first words out of her mouth, barely there and slurred. For some reason her half-conscious mind balks at her kidnapper using the pet name Kaidan has for her, offended beyond reason. Out of her mind with pain, she mumbles, "Kaidan _is_ a better medic than you, dumbass. He wouldn't bash my brains in for one."

She feels him kneel beside her and dab a washcloth on her face. His breaths are harsh and angry.

"Please, honey. Let's not talk about him. You know I didn't do this to you. You did this to yourself."

"Oh, fuck off," she sighs weakly, trying to bat his hands away. She curls her hands around her stomach, feeling the fabric bunch. The faint smell of Kaidan's leftover scent comforts her. At least a tiny amount. "You've fucking hurt me and I'll kill you for it. If you've..."

She breaks off, waves of pain making her weak. She wonders how long one can live with a cracked skull. If she has brain damage. If her brain is swelling as they speak. She moves her leg again, trying to soothe the cramps there, but hears a chain jingle.

"What's that?" she asks, still unable to open her eyes and brave the light. "What's on my leg?"

"A chain, Little Bird. To keep you with me. I'm going to nurse you back to health, don't worry. The Reapers left some nice tech behind I've been working on. We'll have you all fixed up in a jiffy once I figure out how to work it properly."

"You can't use Reaper tech on me. It doesn't work anymore. The Crucible destroyed it."

"I've been fixing it. Melding it with our tech. Don't worry, it's perfectly safe."

"Don't use it on me," she mumbles, panicked and wishing she could move. "You can't."

Shepard opens her eyes again, the light glaring into her very being. It hurts so much, but she has to be brave. She knows she has to be alert, has to plan, has to try and escape. It's probably not possible, since she can barely move her head. But she has to try. For her own sake.

Dustan kneels beside her, his face creased in worry. "Oh, I always forget what pretty eyes you have, Shepard. It's what first drew me to you. You don't see eyes like that every day. Such a strange shade of blue."

He reaches down and gently traces his hand over her face. Shepard jerks her head away and is rewarded by another twenty ice picks slamming through her eyes.

She moans again.

"You better stop hurting yourself. Here, medi-gel." Dustan manifests his 'tool and pauses after he administers some of the healing gel to the back of her head.

"Hmm. I have some medical suites installed on here. I'll scan you. See if they have any suggestions for fixing you up."

"No," she growls. "Don't. Just leave me alone. Take me to a hospital. You're gonna kill me. Medi-gel won't fix my skull. You've fractured it. I need surgery. Do you understand?"

He ignores her, his eyes feverish and excited. The 'tool beeps at him, and his face suddenly falls.

"No, no, no," he moans. "This is completely unacceptable! Why would you do this to me?!"

Shepard shuts her eyes again.

"Answer me!" he screams. "Why would you do this to me?!"

He grabs her shoulders, and shakes her. She knows she's going to pass out any second, the pain is so extreme.

"S. Shepard-Alenko, Lieutenant Commander. Alliance Navy. Marine. Service number 5923-AC-2826. April 11, 2154," she chants, ignoring him. The standard response when soldiers are captured. Name, rank, service number, date of birth. He won't get anything more from her. She won't give him the satisfaction or pleasure.

"No! You stupid bitch, I can't believe this. This changes our plans. _My_ plans," he growls, and then to her horror, he raises his hands and slaps her across the face.

The sick sound of his flesh meeting hers is the last thing she hears before her head gives one almighty throb and she loses consciousness again.

She's going to die. She doesn't want to die. She doesn't want to die on a musty mattress somewhere she doesn't know, where she can't see the sky or stars.

_Kaidan. James. Ash. Anderson. Anyone. Please... I don't want to die alone again. _


	11. Chapter 11

They park the skycar away from the house, lest the noise alert Dustan. Kaidan looks across the barren fields, amazed at the lingering devastation even a year later. The orchard was lucky. The Reapers didn't hit there, his mother remained safe, along with some other people she took in and provided shelter.

Here, the fields are still scorched and black. He wonders if the ashes of millions will fertilize the grass that will eventually grow.

He wonders if he and Shepard were fools to think hope could ever grow from scorched earth. Such a fragile tiny thing to bank all your hopes and dreams on.

The move steadily towards the house at a brisk clip, weapons drawn and in his case, omni-tool readied. The similar situation to a few days ago is not lost on him. Again, he and Ash rush to Shepard's aid, but this his time James isn't there to back her up. His stomach does odd, panicked flip-flops at that thought.

"Ash," he says, "I think I might not be a very good cop today."

Ash nods, a grim set to her full lips. "Aye, aye, sir. Don't blame you. If you don't shoot the son of a bitch, I will."

The house is sprawling, almost a mansion. Bigger than even the Alenko orchard residence.

It's dead.

Quiet. The side of the house is fenestrated with bullet holes and coated in some kind of sick gore, made up of an unidentifiable liquid. Kaidan doesn't want to know what the Reapers were doing.

He glances at Ash and pushes the door open.

It smells like death and suffering, a musty tang that takes up residence in Kaidan's mind as a promising migraine.

He takes a deep breath and welcomes the focus the pain brings.

* * *

Shepard's mind seems to drag itself from unconsciousness in oily bursts of awareness. She feels slow, weighed down by pain and sickness. She's nauseous, dehydrated and exhausted. Her every limb seems to throb in time with her heart and her eyelids are swollen. She thinks she may have pissed herself while she was out and a hot trickle of shame runs down her spine.

She can tell the time she was out has sapped more of her strength. Gingerly she reaches up and feels her hair. Crusts of blood are dried there, she can feel it still oozing weakly. Her hand shakes violently. Nothing seems clear. She cracks her eyes open and can't even bring herself to have the energy to wince against the pain. The fact that she woke up at all is something she tells herself she should be grateful for.

She doesn't care.

A strange apathy steals over her as she watches dust motes dance in the cold air. Her flesh puckers and she notes distantly she's still only clad in Kaidan's t-shirt and her underwear. Pants would cheer her up immeasurably but she muses, what does it matter if she's going to die? Dying in armor or her husband's shirt makes no difference. She wishes she was asleep again. It was easy to be asleep.

She watches the room disinterestedly. There's glowing machinery, apparently powered by generators. She can hear them hum. Dustan works at a small bench, not noticing she's awake. She supposes she should try and take him out, but she doubts she can even summon a dark flare to her hand. It hurts to think, or breathe, or dream about her cosy apartment and all the living she and Kaidan were going to do.

The room looks like a basement of some kind, like a cosy den of hell, strewn with the aftermath of war. The walls are concrete and dripping condensation that the air circulation can't quite remove. Mildew makes her nose wrinkle. Tech glows here and there, half-powered up. Shepard thinks that much of it probably wouldn't do anything without Reaper code.

The same way they couldn't save EDI.

_I'm sorry, Jeff. I did everything I could. I tried. I had to choose._

_Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe this is my punishment. Death follows me around. _

Tears leak down her cheeks. She looks at the clippings stuck to the wall about the war and about her. There's even a painting, clearly done with amateur hands but slaved over. It's of her, smiling, her lips stretched too wide. She thinks it's macabre, strange, but can't bring herself to feel any true emotion over it. It's just another creepy demonstration of his dangerous obsession.

Dustan has clearly planned well. She can see stocks of Alliance rations shoved against a wall, enough for years. There's a small bathroom off to the side and another bed, larger than her small mattress. The main door out of the room seems heavily barred and locked. She's disheartened to see it's an old-fashioned one, not something she can just use the automatic programs on her omni-tool to hack open. Those programs, self-made and loaded every week onto her 'tool by Kaidan, so she never found herself in a situation she couldn't deal with, useless now. He worried about her. Knew she's useless with tech and hates dealing with it.

Despair claims her heart, so she shoves thoughts of him away and grasps onto her self-loathing as a life bouy.

She scoffs to herself. _Great going, Shepard. Bashed your head on a rock and got yourself stuck in a basement. _

She'll need strength to escape, something she's in very short supply of. Her leg seizes in a cramp, and moves of its own volition. She curses as the chain fastened around her ankle jingles.

Dustan startles and turns, his eyes wide. "Oh! You're awake."

She says nothing, just blinks up at him slowly.

He pads over and sits on the mattress beside her, patting her high on her thigh. Shepard can do nothing but glare, her thoughts too slow and her limbs too ponderous.

"I'm sorry for getting mad before, sweetheart," he says. "You just have a way of making me angry. I swear I'm a very calm man. It's your own fault I hit you."

He sighs heavily. Shepard knows that spiel like the back of her hand. It was always _her_ fault her mom got mad and took it out on her. It was always her _fault. _

_Screw that_, she thinks. _You're insane, Dustan. And a bully._

"You know, they always said you were stupid. But I always told them that you were just a different kind of clever. That you know about things when it counted." He shakes his head, brushing hair back from her forehead. "I see now that I may have been too kind to you, allowed your beauty to fool me. You need guidance. You need someone to take care of you. And I'm your man. I'll make things right."

The words stick in her throat but Shepard manages to whisper, "Touch me and I'll kill you. I swear it."

She tries not to move on the mattress and meet his gaze steadily but unconsciously she curls into a ball, trying to protect herself. Cowering won't make him not hurt her, she tells herself, angry at her weakness.

He laughs softly. "You'll change your mind. Look. See these?"

Dustan rummages in his pocket and pulls out a collection of small pieces of jewellery.

Shepard has to stifle a gasp. It's her rings, dangling on her old burnt dog tags. Her eyes immediately land on her precious wedding ring with the inscription '_until the end of time_' around the inside band. The sudden longing she feels for Kaidan is as painful as her pounding head. She wants their symbol back, the proof that they beat the odds. It's her talismans against the darkness, her proof of life. She reaches for them, but he snatches them away.

"I confiscated these from some of my mercs. Of course, by 'confiscate' I mean killed and took them from their cold bodies." He holds them up to the light, watching them shine. "Pricey, aren't they? Looks like real gold." He raises the ring that Ami gave her a wedding present, the one that matches Casimir's old one that Kaidan now wore. "And this one is an antique, isn't it? Mmm, Alenko heirloom perhaps?" He squints at the band. "I can just make out the name inside."

"Give them to me," she demands, forgetting her oath not to speak to him.

"No." Dustan snaps his palm shut, hiding them from Shepard. "You need to learn. You need to leave your old life behind. You need a clean break." His eyes flicker to hers and his lips curl with disgust. "We can't have things lingering on, like old garbage. Do you understand?"

Shepard says nothing.

"You made a big mistake when you married him, darling. You know you did. I should have understood sooner what was going on. Stopped you." He looks away, an expression of bitter regret on his face, angry at himself. "I saw you cavorting around with him during the war, but I told myself you were just being friendly. Playing around with him since you're so kind. He wasn't worthy, I told myself, you'd get bored of him and I'd be there." He shakes his head slowly. "I had no idea you were sleeping with him. I made an error. I should have ended it. Maybe now you wouldn't be so fixated on him. Maybe you could understand that he doesn't truly love you like I do."

He heaves another regretful sigh as she watches warily, waiting for the explosion. She knows how this works. She expects the strike.

"You've made a big mistake that we'll have to fix before we start," he says, grabbing her arm. His grip is vice-like and painful. Shepard wrenches her arm away but he holds on tightly and it screams in agony.

"That's my bad arm," she grits out. "You're hurting me."

An expression she can't identify flickers across his face. "Oh yes. I know. This one has been broken a lot, hasn't it?" He squeezes hard enough to make something crunch painfully beneath her skin. She can't tell if he's fractured it again, or if it's just the joints cracking. Too much pain competes with it, her head a maelstrom of agony and confusion.

She glares at him as he violently yanks her arm forward and examines the livid veins beneath his fingers.

"Yes, he's under your skin. We'll have to dig him out. Your blood mustn't be sullied," he murmurs, tracing her arm with his fingertips. Disgust rises in her stomach.

Before she can stop him, he bends down to press his lips to hers. Shepard spits in his face and he reels back snarling, his cheeks red with rage.

"Fine. We're going to do this the hard way."

It's only a short distance across the room and he crosses it in instants, picking up something he had been bent over, working on. He brings it back over to her and she can observe what it is properly.

It's a glowing syringe, filled with some kind of effervescent liquid. The color screams to her that she doesn't want it anywhere near her body, let alone flowing through her veins.

Terror begins to build, clawing up her throat.

"What is that?" she croaks. "I don't want it."

"Do you like it?" he asks, holding it up to the light. The blue liquid shimmers. "It's something the Reapers left behind from their experiments. It has healing properties. Of course, it was used as some kind of serum in the dragon's teeth as a catalyst for the huskification process, but still. I have tinkered with it. It should help your head; it was used to heal the wounds of the husks after they revived. It'll also fix all our other little problems. It did for the Reaper's test subjects. There are notes here, records of what they left behind. It was almost impossible to decipher, but I hacked Alliance Research and Development. You would not believe the science the Reaper's were capable of."

Shepard struggles to sit upright on the mattress, backing away from him. "No, I know. The Reapers were capable of nothing but destruction. You need to not do this. If you do this I will-"

He reaches out and grasps her arm again, painfully tight. She struggles and gathers all the strength she can muster into her free arm. It's hard, like drawing from a wellspring she no longer has access to. A cracked and dry ground when once it was fertile and full of life. Regardless, she summons all the waning strength, drawing on her sheer determination to live.

Dustan positions the syringe on the bare skin of her arm, but she jerks away and it tears a long bleeding scratch.

Quick as she can manage, she drives her palm into his nose, bursting with biotic blue flares. He flies across the room and smashes into the wall, a groaning lump. The flare around her body sputters and dies.

She can't do that again. Her amp hums and her head throbs with agony.

Gasping, Shepard starts crawling for the door. She needs to leave. She can't stay. He can't do that to her. Her breath is harsh in her lungs, like knives plunging into her chest again and again. She's sure her head is bleeding freely again and her arm stings. She prays to Ash's god that he didn't manage to inject anything.

_Don't think about it. Don't think about it,_ she chants to herself. _Think about freedom. Panic later._

Only mere feet from the mattress her leg jerks painfully, the chain she had forgotten about pulling her back.

"Fuck!" she swears. "Dammit to hell." Frustrated, furious tears prick her eyes.

Shepard tugs on the chain, desperately trying to free herself to no avail. Her ankle is chafed and raw as she pulls, over and over.

She considers using her omni-blade, but she's clumsy at best with it and risks chopping her whole leg off. Death would only speed quicker. Her mind races, trying to think how she can free herself, and curses herself for not using the blade on Dustan. She only used it once in the war, the 'tool so unfamiliar to her that it never occurs to use it until too late.

Dustan struggles to his feet, tech armor violent orange against his body.

"You little bitch. You'll pay for that," he snarls as he turns her over, climbs on top, and uses his body weight to pin her. His breath is hot and harsh in her face.

She hates him. _Hates him_. In that moment she doesn't feel fear or want to cower away from him. Anger and rage have been her long companions. Her fuel. Her fire. Ever since Kaidan and the end of the war, her fire has cooled into something gentle and settled. She often wants to just lay with him in bed all day and bask in their love, leave the rage and fighting and battles behind. Of course, she likes to be active but has considered dialling back her career for the foreseeable future, taking a role that would allow her to be home more often. Maybe even teach. Kick some young soldier's asses and school them in how to survive. She doesn't want to kill anymore. She's tired. She wants soft things. She was going to give up her armor closet. Yellow is a good color for the walls.

In this moment, hurt, beaten, with her skull fractured and her arm throbbing and bleeding, she wants to murder him. Painfully. Rip his throat out with her bare hands

She wasn't supposed to fucking die _again. _

An image of choking the life from him with her bare hands dominates her mind. She wishes she could access some of the biotic tricks she learned in the war. She knows how to make a man suffer. How to make him _pray_ for death. The Leviathans even showed her how to _dominate_ someone, drive them crazy. She could do that if only she were stronger. She wants to do that to him.

How _dare_ he try and inject her with that stuff? How _dare _he hurt her? How _dare_ he climb on top of her, trapping the breath in her chest with his weight, his hands fumbling at the end of her shirt, creeping high on her thigh?

No one was allowed to do that anymore, not since she was a child and discovered the power in her nervous system, nestled like a warm secret in the form of brilliant eezo. The key to escape. No one was allowed to frighten or intimidate her. No one was allowed to deprive her of the things she loved.

_The war's over. _

Only one man was ever allowed to kiss her lips. Touch her like that.

His breath is heavy. His kisses her mouth and tries to force his tongue inside, so she bites it and warm blood spills across her face.

With a yell, she flares. Her head screams at her that she's doing something that she shouldn't, that she's damaging something beyond all repair, that her biotics aren't meant to be pushed like this, but she doesn't care.

She'll kill him with her bare hands. Her nails scrabble at his throat but he quickly recovers and knees her in the stomach, drawing a pained _oomph _from her lips_._

* * *

Kaidan paces through the house quietly, motioning to Ash with hand signals as he does so. It's seems empty, the rooms stripped of furniture. The walls are blackened with something, maybe soot, ashes, or paint. His eyes strain, trying to make it out but he can't tell. The windows are blacked out, blocking the early morning sun.

Dragon's teeth stand like nightmarish reminders of a war that won't fade from the minds of its survivors. Kaidan wonders if Dustan's psychosis was triggered by it, or if he was always a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. The spikes stand in the many rooms like silent, judging statues. He knows what the ashes on the floor are. Maybe they were once a woman, a little boy, a little girl.

A muffled scream rends the air.

"Shepard!" he yells, bounding in the direction of the yell. It sounds like it came from below, from the basement.

"Wait," hisses Ash. "We should do this quietly."

Kaidan doesn't pause as they dash downstairs, coming to a heavily fortified door.

"Screw that," he snarls. "She's in trouble."

There's another yell, this time it sounds like a male in pain.

He doesn't hesitate another moment.

"Kaidan," Ash says. "We need explosives to get through the door or batter it open somehow; I can get a chair and use it-"

"Stand back," he interrupts, gathering dark energy into his palms held in front of him. "Right up the stairs, Ash. You don't want hit with this."

"What are you doing?" she asks urgently. He shakes his head, silently warding her up the stairs.

The burst of biotics that explode from him are the strongest he can manage. Stronger than he's ever made.

It's bigger than anything Shepard has made before and he knows that she's one of the best human biotics alive.

He's not normally capable of the dark forces that tear into the door, ripping even the hinges off the wall. For a moment even he is shocked at how easily he rams it down but he stows his emotions down to examine later, to the time when he'll be crippled with a migraine and paying dearly for his feat.

He sprints inside, gun raised, only to be met with the sharp, orange thrust of an omni-blade.

* * *

Ash curses Kaidan for his lack of control, as he barely parries the thrust of the omni-blade with his gun. It's sheared in half and clatters to the floor.

Kaidan doesn't miss a beat, instantly manifesting his twin omni-blades and driving back at Dustan, who barely catches the blow on his tech armor.

"Get Shepard out of here!" Kaidan yells and Ash's eyes instantly land on the crumpled figure on the floor.

She briefly considers trying to shoot Dustan instead, but he cleverly uses Kaidan as a barrier, wedging him between them so she can't get a good shot. She notes the upgraded tech armor. No wonder Shepard had trouble. Even bullets would probably ping off it.

The two men grapple fiercely, like snarling, vicious lions, a whirl of omni-blades.

She's never seen two Sentinels fight before, but knows the inevitable outcome. Dustan is a dead man. Kaidan is an elite marine, no matter how kind he seems at times, and the muscles beneath his shirt aren't for show.

Dustan is already panting, sweat streaming down his face. He's a fit man, powerfully built, but nothing compares to a career man. There's only grim determination and rage on Kaidan's face.

During the war, Ash watched Kaidan run across a ship deck full of warring Brutes for Shepard. A mere man with some tech armor was not going to stop him now.

She quickly stoops and tends to Shepard. She's a mess. Ash tries not to let the horror show on her face.

Her face is puffy and swollen, blood smeared on her hairline. Amazingly, she manages a weak smile for Ash.

"Made it just in time for my party, Chief," she whispers through cracked lips.

"Yeah," Ash says, trying not to tear up. "I did."

"I'm chained. You need to break it."

Ash frowns at the chain and the blood trickling down Shepard's ankle.

"No worries, Skipper. I'm gonna get you out," she says, trying to stay calm and cheerful for her. She fumbles with her omni-tool, looking for the application that can melt down the metal and free Shepard without hurting her.

Dustan bellows with rage as he catches a glimpse of the chain dissolving into omni-gel around Shepard's leg.

He charges for them, but is stopped when Kaidan raises his hand and throws him into a wall with his biotics, standing in the stalker's path. Implacable, unmoveable, incorruptible.

Ash doesn't know a lot of things. She doesn't know how to be in love without screwing it up. She doesn't understand the ways people hurt each other. She doesn't understand math, or cooking, or how not to leave a mess in her apartment.

But she does understand that the world could stop spinning, a thousand Reaper cycles pass, the sun stop shining, and Kaidan would still stand between Shepard and harm.

She picks Shepard up into her arms, disgusted when she sees what a mess the back of her head is, and jogs for the door. She wants to take her revenge on Dustan for what he's done to her, but realizes Shepard needs medical attention more than petty vengeance. Besides, Kaidan has that well handled...

"No, wait," Shepard moans, clutching at the front of Ash's armor to stop her. "Kaidan..."

"Shepard, LT wants me to get you out of here."

"No. I'm not leaving him behind."

Ash turns just in time to see Dustan thrust his 'tool at Kaidan again, who barely doges. The blade leaves a long groove on his armor, sparks flying.

Shepard makes an odd little stunted movement in Ash's arms and a weak flare flies from her hand, shoving Dustan in the back. At the same moment, Kaidan's parries another jab, drives his spare blade forward into Dustan's fall path and right through his tech armor, into his soft belly.

He falls to the floor, blood streaming from the wound.

Kaidan barely spares him a glance, raising his eyes to meet Shepard's, panting.

His amber eyes seem stark, his face something Ash wants to shy away from.

Ash has never seen him like that. So desperate and raw and most of all, terrified. She suddenly feels like a voyeur watching something she was never meant to.

James flashes through her mind. His face. His eyes. The way he looked at her the way Kaidan looks at Shepard. Kissed her gently that morning they woke up together. Eggs. She wants eggs.

Now that the nightmare is over, the yearning to be at his side consumes her.

Kaidan is across the room in two long strides, taking Shepard from Ash's arms.

"I've got you," he whispers, kissing every part of her face he can reach, bundled as she is in his arms. "I'm so sorry. I'm here now. I'm so sorry."

Shepard starts crying softly, her arms wrapped around his neck. He takes a hand and presses it to his lips, briefly closing his eyes.

"I think I need to be in a hospital." Shepard's voice is weak and thready, her eyelids closing slowly as she turns her face into Kaidan's chest. "I won't complain this time, I swear. Everything hurts."

Dustan gives a last dying gasp. "But I adored you, Shepard. Why? Why couldn't you just love me? You and I wouldn't have been unhappy."

Ash watches as Shepard uses the dregs of her strength to look him in the eyes.

"You made a mistake," she whispers right before her eyes drift shut.

"Shepard?" Kaidan says, alarmed.

She doesn't respond. Her hand falls from his grip, limp.

Ash starts to raise her omni-tool, knowing that she doesn't have the appropriate meds, but terrified enough to try anyway.

She's no doctor, but even she can tell Shepard's head is not meant to bleed like that.

The medical suite on the omni-tool beeps multiple alarms at her. She doesn't know where to begin. Medi-gel seals the grazes and the large wound, but can do nothing for the broken bones inside.

Kaidan eyes are beyond terror. He runs for the skycar, Ash right behind him.

Alliance fighters screech in the sky, far too late.


	12. Chapter 12

Waiting is the hardest part.

Ash sits in the tiny waiting room, her stomach twisting in misery. She wishes she had a gun she could use against anxiety, against fear, but can do nothing but sit and pray for a miracle. Kaidan went with Shepard as they wheeled her into surgery, not allowing the doctors to part them. She's sure he's either camped outside the operating room or badgering some poor doctor.

Shepard hadn't regained consciousness the whole skycar ride, her pulse thready, but constant. Kaidan was beside himself as he did his best to stabilize her with his omni-tool. Ash had never been so grateful in that moment for his medic training. She was glad just to focus on breaking the speed limit and not on how to save a life.

She's never been more afraid, not just for herself, but what it would do to Kaidan if Shepard died. He barely survived last time; this time she doesn't think she could pull him out of that black hole.

Ami sits beside her in the uncomfortable hospital chairs, fussing with her omni-tool, paging through in the hopes of a distraction. Ash can see a social networking site glowing on the 'tool and thinks that Ami is drawing support from her friends.

They're still working on Shepard and James, even hours later. It shouldn't take so long. They wouldn't let her into see James. Said it was family only. She tried to tell them that he didn't have any family, even threw in that she was his girlfriend _and_ a Spectre but they wouldn't budge.

Sometime in the long, torturous hours, Ash gets up and brings coffee to Ami. Then she sits and methodically drinks her own, feeling it only exacerbate her nerves but needing the distraction, too.

She can see on Ami's omni-tool that the press have already gotten wind of what happened to Shepard and are currently concocting various malicious lies and scandal.

Ash rolls her eyes, and uses the burst of energy the caffeine provides to field panicked vid calls from the rest of the _Normandy_ crew. Half of them volunteer to cross the galaxy just to wait with her, but she waves them off. Liara is off on some distant, abandoned world with Javik. Garrus is on Palaven with his sister and working on rebuilding. Tali's halfway through building her house on Rannoch.

She briefly considers contacting Miranda Lawson, but after imagining Kaidan's reaction to that woman coming across his path, quickly vetoes the idea. Their mutual loathing is legendary.

She would really rather not break up a biotic fistfight in a hospital hallway.

No. Miranda's a last resort. Shepard will be fine, and Ash doesn't think that she would ever forgive her if she allowed Miranda to work on her comatose body again, waiting death or not.

There was a reason she had a '_no extraordinary means_' order in her medical files.

Even Kaidan had to accept that after the Crucible. Shepard survived on her own terms. She didn't want to go through Lazarus again.

Ash shivers, thinking of the implications, and tries to move her thoughts along. The crew have their own lives to lead and with the still rebuilding mass relay network sometimes jumps can take days longer than normal to navigate around the damaged routes.

They wouldn't get here in time to make a difference, anyway.

Shepard wouldn't want to tear them away from their work. Besides, she'd hate the fuss, and Ash thinks that she would probably prefer to wake up not surrounded by people jockeying for her attention. She's been through enough without having to pretend to be fine for their benefit.

Ash shreds the empty Styrofoam cup into little pieces when she's finished with the calls and only notices when Ami puts her hand gently over hers.

"You have to have faith they'll be alright," she says gently. "I know it's hard."

"Faith isn't my problem. It never has been." Ash sighs. "It's the odds. You can't ignore them. Hope hurts more when it turns out that the ones you love really aren't OK."

"I know," Ami says quietly, closing her omni-tool. "I kept hoping... I kept hoping my family would make it out from the war intact. My beautiful boy and the love of my life. I knew what Kaidan was doing, right there on the front lines, beside Shepard. I knew that Casimir just couldn't sit at home and hide either. Kaidan comm called me a few times. He played it off, said it wasn't that dangerous, but I knew." She smiles gently. "The amazing thing was I thought he..."

"What?"

"I thought he looked the happiest he had been in two years. I found it strange, but then later I found out about Shepard. I think as long as he was with her, he... well he found the war worth fighting until his dying breath."

Ash looks down at her hands, her armor gloves pulled off hours ago. "How did you cope with waiting, Mrs. Alenko?"

"Ashley, honey. I've known you for three years now. Call me Ami," she says, smiling.

Ash gives a nervous cough. "Sorry. Old habit."

Ami grins cheekily. "You know, when Kaidan first introduced us I thought perhaps he had found himself a girlfriend."

Ash drops her shredded coffee cup. "What?! Kaidan and I? No, no, no. He's like my brother."

Her cheeks heat, caught out in the too vehement denial when Ami raises her eyebrows, her gaze positively hawkish.

"OK," she laughs. "That's kind of a lie. I used to think he was hot, but I saw all the eyes he made at Shepard and was not touching that business with a ten-foot pole."

Ash leans her head back against the wall, grinning.

"It was kind of funny, really. He was like a lovesick puppy, babbling around her. He never seemed to notice how she mysteriously went red and kept playing with her hair around him, too. I knew as soon as I saw them giggling like schoolgirls over hot chocolate in the mess that they were gonna get themselves into such trouble. Some days I wanted to strangle them," she says, laughing at Ami's scandalized expression.

They were so young once. The memories are like a comfortable, old friend. More innocent times. It feels like an age, rather than nearly four short years. Now, two of their little Team Milky Way are married to each other. They added James as a fourth member. She's not a Gunnery Chief with a disgraced family name anymore. And the Reapers are gone forever.

Hell of a ride.

Ami gives a sincere giggle, her amber eyes crinkling at the corners.

"Of course I know that _now_. But Kaidan always played his cards close to his chest. I knew he wasn't OK after the SR-1 went down, but he wasn't speaking about it. I had no idea what he had lost. I'm forever grateful you were there for him."

"I wish I could have done more," she sighs, and then gives a sly grin. "Whatever you do, just don't tell Shepard you thought Kaidan and I were together."

Ami scoffs. "_Please_. We've talked about it a lot. She thinks that if she wasn't around then she'd want you to take care of him. She _agreed_ with me."

"Oh, she did _not_!" Ash laughs.

"She did! She loves you like a sister."

"So you're saying that I'm the one person whose eyes she wouldn't claw out?"

Ami shrugs. "Yes, pretty much. She'd only haunt you a little."

"Oh man, Shepard is crazy sometimes." Ash snorts and then sobers. "God, I hope she's OK. I don't know what to do without her. She's always just there, you know? So... so _Shepard_. She taught me so much, but the important things. Not just how to lead. She taught me how to take care of your team, not just as part of your job, but actually how to really care and draw all their potential out. How it looks to love someone with your whole heart. How to drink ten margaritas in as many minutes. And how never, never to give up."

Ami leans her head back on the wall and rolls her eyes a little, a rueful smirk at her mouth. "I think Casimir would have hated Shepard. Loathed her."

Ash's jaw drops. "Oh my god, really? I can't believe you just said that."

"It's true! She's not very by the book and my Casimir was all about the book. She's very expressive. I think he would have found her a bit much to handle. I'm sure he would have come around eventually. I wish he could see Kaidan now. He's made me so proud. All we ever wanted was for him to be happy and he is with her."

Tears gather in her eyes again and she gives a small sniff. Ash wraps her arms around her shoulders.

"I'm sure he can see. Just like I know for a fact my dad is very proud of me now."

"Thank you, Ashley. I'm sure he is too. I know I'm very proud of you and Kaidan. Mr. Vega, too. Such a nice young man. He was telling me all about you, you know."

Ash blinks. "He was?"

"Oh yes. That man cares about you a great deal. I think more soup went on his shirt than in his mouth, he was so enthralled with regaling me with your many virtues."

She blushes, imagining James sitting with Ami and telling stories about her. It's weirdly flattering.

"Oh," she says and then snaps her jaw shut, not sure how to respond to Ami's teasing.

"And _that_ kiss in the beam terminal!" Ami laughs and waves her hand at her face, as if cooling suddenly heated cheeks, her sadness pushed away for the moment. "My, my. You know, when Casimir kissed me like that just before he left on a tour, well, let's just say he nearly missed his ship. Had his rations cut in half. And I'm pretty sure our little miracle Kaidan was born nine months later."

Her eyes gleam mischievously, and Ash realizes why she and Shepard get along so well.

"You know, don't people always say that men want to marry women just like their mothers?" she says peevishly. "I think Kaidan's playing right into that stereotype. You and Shepard are awful. And evil. And possibly the spawn of Satan."

Ami giggles again and pats her on the back. "Oh, Ashley, wipe that look of your face. Shepard and I are just very... interested."

"More like nosey," Ash huffs but smiles reluctantly.

There's a sudden heavy tread of armored boots and Kaidan appears. He looks exhausted, large dark circles under his eyes.

The room hushes, the dread before the bad news... and then the biggest grin she's ever seen breaks across his face, like a sun peeking from behind the clouds.

"They're OK!"

Ami gives a muffled cry beside her. Ash can't tell if it's happy or just bone-deep relief.

"Shepard's..." Kaidan frowns; fiddling with his armor gloves in his hand and twisting his wedding ring around his finger. It glints in the hospital's harsh fluorescents. "Shepard's pretty beat up. They're going to keep her in for a while. But she's going to be fine."

"James?" she asks, heart in her throat.

Kaidan smiles at her gently. "He's alright, too. It was touch and go, but they gave him a transfusion and repaired the damage. He'll need some medical leave, but he'll be fighting fit again. He's sleeping now, but you can go in and see him. I... well I kind of harassed the doctor until he said yes."

Ash jumps up and throws herself at him, wrapping him in the tightest hug she can manage. She's not gentle like Shepard with her hugs, and Kaidan is driven back a step as he braces himself with an _oompf._

He laughs, baffled, but hugs her back and just for a moment, Ash lets go in his arms. She buries her head in his neck, inhales that unique Kaidan scent and gives a small sob.

"I know," he soothes, patting her hair. Kind and gentle, so different from the marine who thrust an omni-blade into another man's belly without a second's hesitation. "They're OK."

"I'd be lost without him."

She can feel Kaidan nod and is content with their shared understanding.

Ash disengages from his arms, her face red with embarrassment as she dashes tears from her eyes.

Ami takes her turn to hug Kaidan. "Sweetheart..." she says quietly. "Did the doctors say anything else?"

His eyes flicker to Ash a little... guiltily?

She frowns. What's his problem?

He shakes his head, looking aggrieved. "She woke up for a moment as they wheeled her in," he says, voice rough. To Ash, he sounds almost on the edge of collapse. "She was distressed and in pain. The docs... they weren't positive."

"Ah, does someone wanna fill me in?" Ash asks, confused.

"It's nothing," says Kaidan. "It's... it's just fine, OK? You should go see James. Even though he's not awake I'm sure he'll feel better that you came to see him."

Ash rolls her eyes. "OK. I know a brush off when I see one." She points her finger at her eyes and then at Kaidan as she walks backwards. "I'm onto you, Alenko. You're gonna spill later."

Kaidan shakes his head and turns back to his mother. Ash's heart sinks inexplicably, and she thinks maybe she shouldn't have asked.

* * *

Monitors beep in James' room and she hates the sound. She almost can't bring herself to look at the bandaged wound on his chest.

_He'll be so pissed at having his tattoo ruined, _she thinks fondly.

Nervous, she hovers at his bedside, not sure if she should sit and hold his hand, or get him some fruit, or weep bitter tears. What the hell do normal girlfriends do? Is she even a girlfriend? It seems so immature. A partner? No, no. Kaidan's her partner. That's not James' place. A lover? Yes, that seems more apt, but still cruder than she'd like. They aren't just sex anymore. She knew that the moment she kissed him in the beam terminal, the moment she heard he'd been shot.

She takes a deep calming breath. Girlfriend. Girlfriend is what she'll pretend to be. Labels can wait.

"Ugh," she mutters. "I'm so bad at this shit."

Wanting to be closer to him, she tries to cross the room, but in her haste and bulky armor, bumps into one of the medical stands holding an I.V up.

It clatters to the ground even as she flails for it, and alarms begin squealing.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" she curses, panicking as a nurse runs in and throws her the dirtiest look imaginable. It would even put Shepard in her place on her worst days.

The nurse sets the I.V back up, glares at her again and huffs as she leaves the room.

Ash tries to calm her pounding heart and burning cheeks.

"Ehe, _chica_. Way to liven' things up around here," a husky voice whispers.

Ash spins. It's James, one eye cracked blearily open.

Her brain fails her. "Oh... hey there."

Internally, she cringes. _Eloquent as always. _

He smiles at her wanly, and then his thoughts seems to catch up with him. He makes a weird struggling motion. "Where's Shepard? Is she OK? Mrs. Alenko?!"

"Shh," she says, sitting on the side of his bed and placing a calming hand on his feverish cheek. "It's OK. We got the baddie." Her eyes slant away from him. "Shepard was... she was taken, but we got her back. She's a bit hurt, but she'll pull through. She always does. She's resting in a room down the hall; you can go see her later."

James says a word she can't catch in Spanish, and somehow she knows it's a very bad one. He looks furious.

"I shouldn't have got myself shot. Fuck! She was only taken to save me."

His face is far paler than his usual healthy hue, his eyes wild. James takes his job as a protector almost as seriously as Kaidan. It must be killing him to know he failed to stop someone he was charged with being hurt.

"James, you did all you could. You were a hero."

"A hero at getting my ass kicked maybe," he mutters darkly. He struggles upright, wincing as his chest pains him.

Ash makes a decision.

She throws all caution to the wind, climbs onto the bed beside him and presses her lips gently to his.

"You're a hero in my book. You went after that guy without a second thought. You got hurt very badly trying to protect Shepard and Ami. Don't play the blame game, I'm much better at it than you, and I _will_ tell you over and over again how proud I am of you."

He frowns and the reaches a shaky hand up to smooth over her cheek.

"I'm glad you got that sonvabitch, _cariño_," he sighs.

"Well, it was mostly Kaidan. But I did my best."

"I'm sure you did more than that."

There's a silence for a moment as she hovers awkwardly.

"I'm really glad you're OK, James. I was... I was worried."

His cheeks turn a little pink. Ash finds it ridiculously adorable, a warmth pooling in her belly.

Leaning down, she kisses him again, feeling his cracked lips, smelling the scent of hospital disinfectant, and under that all... _James Vega. _

Many happy days, endless seconds, eternities later, she pulls back, wiping some on her lip gloss off his lips.

She smiles at him, feeling the corner of her eyes crinkle, pure happiness and relief in her heart.

"How about those eggs then?" he asks, grinning boyishly. "You think the nurse will kick me out if I try and rustle some up right now?"

Ash laughs, and taps a finger on his nose. "How about _I _make _you_ eggs and bring breakfast for you tomorrow?"

"That sounds like heaven to me."

* * *

Kaidan quickly settles his mother at Shepard's beside and extracts a promise for her not to leave Shepard's room for even a second.

Just in case. He doesn't want her to wake up alone.

He tends to the Alliance crime squad picking over the nightmare house, making sure the cataloging is being handled to his satisfaction, but he's really only there for one thing. To take back what belongs to his wife. The rings clink in his hands as he grips them tightly.

At the orchard, he does his best to ignore James' blood in the hallway and picks up Shepard's overnight bag from his childhood room, making sure she's packed her medication and supplements and has enough clean clothes. She hates wearing dirty clothes in hospital and he wants her to be as comfortable as possible.

After a quick shower to clean off Dustan's blood and the smell of the nightmare basement, he heads back to the hospital, now dressed in casual clothes. He's prepared to sit at her bedside for as long as it takes. He's not leaving her again.

Idly, he wonders if the Council will try and arrest him again, or if he's going to be disciplined for disobeying them. He finds he doesn't care very much.

He enters the recovery room as quietly as he can manage and settles into the chair beside Shepard's bed, nodding to his mother as she gives them privacy.

When his mother's gone, he slips the dog tag chain with the rings around Shepard's neck. It falls over her heart, and he childishly hopes it acts as a talisman, something to help her find her way home. Back to him.

The room is quiet, Vancouver's hustle and bustle muffled. It's one of the new hospitals, rebuilt after the war, and everything is pristine and shiny, perhaps even better than Huerta.

He's spent so much time in hospitals over the last year that he thinks he's becoming an expert. Late afternoon sunlight slants in the window and dapples on Shepard's pale arms, the light the color of warm butter and summer mountain flowers. Gently, as if she's a ghost who will disappear in a puff, he touches the patch of skin with the afternoon sunlight dancing across it. His shoulder shake.

Shepard's still either asleep or unconscious, her round face a pale moon on the crisp white pillowslips.

His hands begin to tremble too, so he holds them in his lap, trying to calm himself. She's OK. Everything will be OK. He should just be grateful that she isn't going to die. That's she's safe, just sleeping beside him.

As his mouth becomes a twisted grimace, his eyes trace her cheek, examining with utmost concentration the vivid purple bruising that's just beginning to appear. Her eyelids are swollen, too. The doctor's had said that came from her head injury and should go down in a few days.

They had started to explain in detail (as he had grown more and more horrified) the extent of her injury. They said she was lucky not to have brain damage, that the fractured bones of her skull hadn't floated into her brain. They fused them back together, and told him that one hundred years ago maybe her outcome wouldn't have been as good.

"I'm sorry, Shepard," he croaks to the woman that won't hear him. She shifts in her sleep, so he straightens the blanket, hoping she won't become cold. She gets cold in hospital. He should have brought her fluffy socks.

"I should have been there. I should have realized what was happening. Stopped it. I should have been smarter. All this time he was watching you and I never realized. Never considered."

"You know, it helps if the person you're talking to is conscious when you speak to them," a voice says from the door. "They tend to actually comprehend what you're saying."

Kaidan starts and turns around.

Joker stands there, awkwardly rubbing his arm, a plastic bad dangling from his hand.

"I, uh, bought booze," he says, gesturing to the bag. "I heard Shepard was hurt. I wanted to see how she is. For myself, you know. I heard about ten different rumors from the news. Who knew she always wanted those breast implants from Vancouver's top plastic surgeons?" he jokes. Kaidan doesn't laugh, merely stands and stares at him stonily, blocking his view of Shepard's prone form.

"Listen, man," Joker says. "I came here to apologize to her. I didn't come for trouble. You can calm your guard dog act down."

"I don't think so," replies Kaidan. "Last time you spoke to her, she was depressed for days. She kept looking at that picture of EDI," Joker winces, "and her face was awful. You don't get to do that again. Not now."

"I said I'm sorry," Joker says, frowning. He has a three day old beard, and Kaidan wonders if he even bothers to groom at all anymore. His hair looks wild under his SR-2 cap.

Joker gestures erratically with the plastic bag. "I even took the _Normandy _down here without my CO's permission. I was all ready to shoot someone with the _Normandy_'s guns before I found out you got the job done first. I'm sorry, alright?" He rubs his eyes, seemingly frustrated with Kaidan. "It's been really hard. I'm only now starting to... to fucking cope with any of what happened. I said some things to her in anger that I regret."

"But you don't regret _all _of them?"

Joker meets his eyes steadily. "No. The person that I loved is dead because of her."

Kaidan opens his mouth to tell him to get the hell out and not come back but Joker holds up his hand to stop him.

"But that was the only choice she could make." He sighs. "She did the... the right thing. EDI would have given her life in a heartbeat for the people she loved, to see the Reapers defeated. Just as Shepard would. I have to respect that."

Kaidan swallows thickly, not sure what to say. He still feels anger that he can't quite let go of. Shepard cried in bed that night Joker rang when she thought he was asleep, choked little sniffles. He doesn't know how to process, to reconcile Joker's grief and urge to lash out because it hurts the one he loves.

It reminds him a little too much of himself after the SR-1 sinking. And himself is the hardest person to face.

"She's sleeping still," he says instead of making any decision. "And she can't have alcohol." He gestures to the bag. "Thanks, but no thanks."

"Fine, fine. I'll just leave it here for later, so she can sneak sips when the nurses aren't looking. God knows I would," Joker says, setting the bag onto the small table. "These hospitals are a pain in the ass."

Kaidan shakes his head as Joker completely ignores him, suddenly angry. "No, really. I'm not kidding."

Joker spins, fire in his eyes. "_Really_? Newsflash: you're not her keeper, _Major_." He practically spits his title.

"You of all people are going to give me the cold shoulder?" Joker continues, "_You_, the guy who took a swing at me four years ago? Told me in no uncertain terms that the reason Shepard was dead was because she saved me? We used to be friends. And then suddenly you get your rocks off with her and I'm the bad guy because _you_ fucking can't leave your personal business out of work."

"Because it's true. She was needlessly dead because of you!" Kaidan bursts out, unvoiced resentment bubbling over, rage pounding in his ears. "You _hypocrite_. Did you forget EDI was part of the crew, too? How dare you speak to Shepard how you have been, come crawling back now because you feel guilty, when if not for _you_, the- she..."

He breaks off, silencing himself furiously. Joker glares, his eyes glittering.

"Listen, I don't blame you," Kaidan says, lowering his voice as Shepard snuffles in her sleep. He takes a deep breath and claws rationality back around him like a tattered cloak. "I don't. Not anymore. Shepard made the only choice she could. Just like you made the choice that you thought was right when the SR-1 started sinking. You only tried to do the right thing. I get it. We all make choices. There aren't always alternatives like that day on Virmire. Or Rannoch. Sometimes there is no right answer."

"Well, what's your problem? I said I was sorry! Do you have any idea how difficult it's been for me to get to this point?" Joker snarls. "You have _no idea_ how hard it was to walk into this hospital room."

"Maybe you should think about how hard it's been for Shepard."

Joker gapes a little, stunned with their sudden emotional outburst. His gaze keeps wandering to where Shepard lays, looking small and vulnerable.

"I do. I mean, I have. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I've been an ass."

Kaidan steps closer to him, nodding. He finally feels like some ugly, festering wound may have been disinfected a little, for both of them.

"Alright. Shepard needs to hear your apology. I'm sure she'll enjoy the vodka, eventually. I'm just saying she's sacrificed more than you'll ever know and she didn't make the decision about EDI and the geth lightly. She doesn't sleep easy."

"Don't talk to me about sacrifices. About sleeping," Joker says quietly. "I know sacrifice. I know how my little sister died. I know how my dad died. I know how EDI's body fell to the goddamn floor with that metallic clang."

Kaidan places his hand on his shoulder, mindful of his frail bones. "I'm in a better position than most to understand exactly what you've been through. I lost my dad, too. I lost Shepard and I nearly lost her again today. I know how the anger eats you alive. The worst part about it was Shepard agreed with every word you hurled at her. She thinks about them constantly. She thinks about EDI all the time. EDI isn't forgotten, Joker."

"I miss her. I miss Shepard. I miss not being angry," Joker says quietly, more a little lost boy than a grown man. "Shepard was... she was one of my best friends. We used to make each other laugh. I don't know how to catch up to her anymore. I think I ruined everything."

He walks over to the side of Shepard's bed, his gait awkward and stiff. Kaidan watches as he picks up Shepard's limp hand, the one with the and monitors attached to the ends of her fingers, lifts it up and presses his mouth to the back of her hand in a chaste kiss.

"She looks tired," he says. "She doesn't look like herself."

There's a heavy silence and then Kaidan says the words he guards most jealously, and the ones he doesn't want to face. The all-consuming fear he feels.

"She's pregnant," he blurts, an enormous weight lifted from his chest. His wishes James was beside him to bear his secrets. Kaidan wanted him to know first after his Ma, who already guessed. "The doctors don't know if she's going to lose her."

Joker's shoulders are bowed as he gently places Shepard's hand back on top of the blankets. He doesn't seem shocked or surprised at the announcement, just exhausted.

"'Her'?" he asks, green eyes dull.

Kaidan shrugs, fiddling with his wedding bang again. "It's a girl. We've know for a while. We didn't want anyone to know until absolutely necessary. Shepard's still too thin, so she's not showing much yet... but-"

Kaidan rubs his hands over his whole face, thinking of that firm swell which pressed against his own stomach at night, warm and safe, and how the doctor's had said she was bleeding. That some things they just couldn't fix.

He wants to cry, but can't.

"We've been afraid. We just wanted to have it be our thing. Just for us. She was... planned. The doctor's said it wouldn't happen, but Shepard likes to prove them wrong. Shepard wanted this... so did I. More than anything."

He crosses his arms and longs for someone to come and make sense of things. To have Shepard open her eyes again and announce herself as completely fine. "We didn't want war, blood and ashes anymore. We didn't think we'd get this far."

He doesn't know why he's telling Joker this. He doesn't know why he can't talk about it with his mother. He can barely voice it to Shepard. It was the open secret in the apartment, the thing too precious to be voiced.

He's suddenly angry at himself for not telling James high above on the secret place when he had a chance to snag some happiness. To pretend everything was going to be fine, and bask in it for one night only. Shepard wanted to ask James and Ash to be godmother and godfather, even she and Kaidan weren't religious. She knew Ash would be so excited.

They were just waiting for the _right time. _

Kaidan sits heavily in the rickety hospital chair. Joker snatches up the bottle of vodka, two plastic glasses from under the sink, and wheels over a hospital tray.

"I'm not supposed to drink according to Chakwas." He holds a cup out to Kaidan, unscrews the cap off the top of the vodka, and begins to pour. "She scolds me that it's bad for my bones. But what Mommy doesn't know, won't hurt her," he drawls sarcastically, pulling a chair up to sit beside Kaidan. He settles into it backwards, and rests his cup on the back support.

"I don't feel like drinking," Kaidan protests.

"Look, way I hear it you just got done disemboweling some creep who kidnapped your pregnant wife after days of psychological torture, and apparently you broke out of C-SEC custody. Kind of badass. You deserve a drink. If Shepard woke up right now, she would say, 'Drink your fucking vodka, Kaidan and stop feeling sorry for yourself.'"

Kaidan smiles sadly. "I guess she would, huh?"

Joker clinks the plastic cups together and they knock them back. The liquid burns a path down his throat, clearing some of the obstruction.

He breathes a little easier for just a moment. "Shepard likes vodka."

"I know. That's why I bought it, you idiot. Might wanna give me a heads up next time that my present is useless. I bought her the _really_ expensive stuff."

"Not entirely useless," Kaidan replies, knocking back another gulp.

"I heard you broke out of C-SEC. Also heard the Council's pissed."

"Yup."

Joker looks at him askance. "You don't care?"

"Nope."

"Huh. Weird to hear that coming from your mouth, Mr. Integrity."

"It's Shepard." He shrugs, as if that should explain everything. "She's always going to come first, now. Maybe she always did." He takes another sip of the clear liquid. "I'm thinking about resigning my Spectre status."

"_What_?" Joker chokes a little on his vodka.

"Yeah. I don't know. I'm sick of the Council's bullshit. I want to go back to teaching." Absently he pats Joker on the back and he stops spluttering.

A warmth spreads through Kaidan's limbs, the beeping monitors almost lulling him to sleep in their familiarity. Her heartbeat in his ears.

"Your biotic kids?" Joker asks. "Your squad?"

"Yeah. I've been keeping in touch with them. A lot have graduated on, but there's always more biotics that need training."

"Yeah," Joker says, rubbing his eyes. "You give it eighteen years. You'll be drowning in them. Enough eezo was showered over Earth during the war to make every damn pregnant woman glow. All those ships lost... all that eezo in the atmosphere. I hear a lot of the kids born in the last few months are... uh, 'gifted'."

"Yeah. Lot of kids with cancer, too," Kaidan say bitterly, finishing his second cup and pouring another. "I've been watching the news. Once we started trying, it's part of the reason we didn't want to live on Earth. The Citadel isn't eezo contaminated." He shrugs. "Besides, Shepard has no real love for Earth."

His gaze lands on Shepard as her eyelids flicker. He wonders if they're annoying her in her dream world by speaking so much, or if his voice comforts her to know she's not alone. He hopes the drugs wear off soon, especially hopes that she'll burn them completely off before she wakes. He can't stand it when she wakes up confused and distressed, flailing against her sheets.

"I mean... I mean if this all works out." Kaidan swallows more vodka, specifically not mentioning what may not work out at all.

The alcohol makes his tongue loose, words pouring out him.

Joker's gaze flickers to Shepard.

"I don't want to get sent to the ends of the galaxy investigating a drug ring and leave them behind. You know? Spectres do dangerous work. I know Ash would do a great job without me holding her back."

Joker drinks again, wincing against the bite of the quality vodka. "The Alliance is just as dangerous. Never know when you're just gonna get blown out of the sky. Boom."

"Yeah, I know. The Alliance isn't the Council, though."

"That's true."

They sit for minutes, or maybe hours, just drinking in silence. Shepard begins to twitch more in her sleep, her fingers making small movements against the sheets.

"We go out for dinner at Rain God's Garden on the Strip every second Friday. Nothing fancy. Just a meal at the bar," Kaidan finally says stiltedly. "When Shepard's up and about, maybe you could join."

Joker looks at him with ancient eyes. "Do you think she'll understand?"

"Yes," he responds simply. "She knows loss. She misses EDI, too."

Joker stands and picks up the empty bottle of vodka, unsteady on his feet.

"You gonna be OK to fly?" Kaidan asks, knowing it's time for Joker to leave. It's night outside now, the warm butter light faded.

Joker scoffs. "It's called autopilot. I'm _so_ gonna get disciplined, but this was worth it. I'm glad I came."

"So I am. For what it's worth... I haven't been the easiest to get along with the last few years, Joker. I'm sorry for that."

Joker nods. "I'm going to leave her this for luck." He takes his cap of his head and places it on top of the covers, right over where the blankets swell slightly over Shepard's middle. His head looks oddly incomplete without his cap.

"Just so she knows I've been and was thinking of her. That the _Normandy_ is thinking of her."

He turns to leave and pauses by Kaidan' side, his mouth working for a moment silently before he finds the words.

"Congrats on your daughter, Major. I'm sure she's a fighter, just like Shepard."

His footsteps retreat and Kaidan is left with the sound of silenced birds and monitor beeps, the long winter night rushing onwards.

"Thanks," he says to the room, empty of everything but Shepard and her light breaths.

* * *

Sometime in the night Kaidan begins dozing in his chair. Strange dreams chase his thoughts. Shadows whisper. He thinks he sees a forest and a burning boy, and knows that he's incorporated what Shepard told him into his own nightmares. The boy does not have sandy blonde hair. He has Alenko curls.

Kaidan can't ever save him. He runs, regardless. Fire blooms over frightened eyes. For a moment, stars superimpose themselves over the trees, and Kaidan hates them.

Ashes choke his lungs.

This night he sees a woman, too. She flitters through the trees, laughing, and voice light and airy.

"I'm coming for you, Williams. Hold the line! I've got Alenko from the bombsite," the dream woman whispers from everywhere and nowhere.

Kaidan wonders why she says those words, the same words she once spoke on Virmire. He wonders why his mind replays the day she made a choice.

He's woken by a tugging on his sleeve, and for a moment is confused and tense.

"LT?" a soft voice whispers. "What time is it? Where are we?"

He's scrambles upright in the chair, wiling the remnants of a vodka hangover to go away. Shepard blinks sleepily at him.

"What's going on? Where am I?" she asks, her eyes widening, panic threading through her words.

Kaidan crawls onto the bed beside her, smoothing her hair back from her face.

"Dustan took you. You hurt your head. You're in hospital in Vancouver." He looks at his omni-tool, an orange burst in the darkness. "It's 0400 hours. You're gonna be fine. He's dead, remember?"

Her eyes calm a little. "Vancouver?" She licks her lips so he helps her sip on some water through a straw and watches awareness and coherency brighten her eyes.

She suddenly lurches and gives a pained yelp when her injuries make themselves known. "Jimmy! Where's Jimmy? I gotta help him. Help me up. I gotta find Jimmy."

She starts to struggle out of bed, yanking the covers back. Joker's cap falls to the floor. Kaidan places a hand on her shoulder.

"Shh, sweetheart. He's fine. Ma is fine. They're both OK. I went to see him earlier. He was dozing with Ash. I'm pretty sure he woke up and winked at me. Believe me, he's fine."

Shepard groans, curling in on herself and wraps a shaking hand around her stomach.

"He killed her, didn't he?" she asks, voice dead. "I _hurt_."

"No," Kaidan croaks. "The nurses keep coming in every few hours to monitor your vitals. She's hanging on."

Shepard burst into tears, large, fat ones that roll down her face, and clutches Kaidan by his shirt, pulling him closer.

He hugs her back, tears of his own springing to his eyes. "I heard her heartbeat. She's stubborn. They said they'd give you an ultrasound later if you like."

She laughs, wet and choked by tears. "Yeah. That would be good. I wanna see." She gives a funny little choked gasp. "Good thing you were always stubborn."

"_Me_? That's all on you. She's a Shepard. Alenkos are much too mild."

Silently shaking her head, she takes his hand and presses it to her stomach, as she had that day she found him kneeling in pools of her blood in the apartment.

"Ami is tough," she says, barely constrained pride in her voice. "She got through me getting shot and kicked, and some crazy dude beating her mom up. Gonna be N7 by the time she's born."

Kaidan laughs. "They don't come tougher than N7. They don't come tougher than you."

Shepard kicks the covers back and rubs a hand at her face, a breathtakingly beautiful smile stretching across it. "See? I won our old argument and you didn't even notice."

"What?"

"Ami. I called her Ami and you didn't protest. Usually I have to listen to you bang on for hours about how we can't name her after your mom."

"I was just being nice because you're in hospital. A proper gentlemen."

Shepard snorts. "My ass. No excuses. I win."

He kisses her hair, smoothing it over and over. "No, no. I thought we agreed on Mary."

"Pfft. Lame. Who names their kid Mary in this day and age? You're so damn old-fashioned."

"No, I'm not," he protests, pulling his boots off, and snuggling under the blankets with her. She sighs, sneaking her cool hands under his shirt to stroke bare skin. "I just want her to have a nice normal name."

"Ami _is_ normal. Don't argue. My head's killing me," she growls, playfully scratching her blunt nails on his chest. He jumps, and shoots her a dirty look which makes her wink at him. The effect is a bit dulled with the drugs turning her face rather slack and unresponsive, but he finds it charming all the same. "You just want Mary because you're making fun of my last name."

"I wouldn't make fun of you," he says, insincerity dripping from every word.

A warm wholeness steals over his heart as they banter. His best girls in the galaxy right beside him, not exactly healthy but getting there.

"Besides, Ami's spelt with an 'I'." He pretends to sniff snootily and she giggles against his chest. "Everyone will spell it wrong."

"No, they won't."

"Yes, they will," he fires back, hand creeping under her hospital gown. There her skin is burning warm. She sighs when his hand finds the bump and strokes it. Her eyes blink slowly, drugs and exhaustion starting to claim her again.

"No," she mumbles, turning her head up for a soft kiss, her lips beckoning him home.

He grants her wish, smiling. "Yes," he says to her lips, watching her eyes intensely focus on his face. He thinks if his daughter has eyes like hers than he will be lost in them forever. And never care to find himself again.

"Now who's stubborn?" she sighs, her breath gentle, an exhilaration that says she's finally going to rest. Perhaps soundly for the first time in days.

"You have no idea what it's like to have a name spelled wrong all the time. My marriage certificate, Shepard!" he tells her, feeling her whole body shake with laughter. "It had an 'e'!"

"Come on, that was hilarious. I always wanted to marry Kaiden Alenko."

They fit together like two halves, finally found their whole. Two perfect, jagged puzzles pieces with their harsh lines smoothed away.

Kaidan thinks that adoration is the most dangerous game he's ever played, and the most rewarding.

* * *

_Thanks for reading. I do have an epilogue in mind, but didn't find it necessary to add. I'll put it up if you'd like to know what happens to them, but for now this is complete. I hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing this. I finished it very late for VS Appreciation Week, but I hope it showed just a little bit how much I love both Ash and Kaidan._


	13. Epilogue

Shepard spent the next few weeks sleeping as much as possible. Her head began to throb whenever she was awake too long and the doctors said rest was the best thing for her.

Kaidan and she made almost a base camp out of the hospital room, filling it with touches of home. He brought her favorite blankets and didn't leave her to the mercies of hospital food, but brought her most loved meals.

Anxiety came to her occasionally, moments in the night where she would wake gasping, thinking she was back in Dustan's basement, or buried in the Citadel rubble. Kaidan was always there to hold her, or let her cry or even place her hand on the gun he always carried strapped to his leg holster now and promise her that no one was ever taking her again.

The cold metal was a comfort.

She loathed being stuck in hospital but tried to remain rational and calm, realizing it was the best thing for her... and the baby.

The second day after she first woke up was the most eventful one.

Jondum Bau strode into her hospital room and attempted to arrest Kaidan for disobeying Council orders and escaping Citadel security.

It had not been... _pretty. _

Shepard lost her temper and attempted to struggle out of bed to shield Kaidan while he panicked over her getting out of bed, all while Jondum Bau scuffled with nurses and then Ash when she had run down the hall from James' room to investigate.

In the end Ash wrestled Bau into a headlock, Shepard was on the verge of passing out, and Kaidan was having kittens over Shepard's milky pallor and gasped breaths.

It had taken twenty minutes to convince the salarian Spectre that Kaidan had no intention of going back to the Citadel or of going rogue. He simply wanted to stay with his wife in the hospital room, and Bau conceded the point, promising to report back to the Council that Kaidan was not going to cause any more trouble for them.

Shepard and Kaidan made the decision that day for Kaidan to quit the Spectres and return to teaching his biotic squad.

It wasn't a hard one. Shepard was rapidly growing sick to death of the Council's politics, and being a Spectre was dangerous work. She wanted her daughter to grow up with a father. Besides, he was never fully happy as a Spectre, and teaching his biotic kids was always his calling. He only took the full-time Spectre job to remain on the Citadel with her all the time during her recovery, and while being a squad commander would mean more trips away from home and less freedom back under Alliance regulations, it would also mean he was happier and more fulfilled.

To Shepard, that was the most important thing.

She didn't know what her career was anymore, but she was beginning to come to the realization that as long as she was surrounded by her family and those that loved her, that it didn't matter very much anymore. Decisions could wait. For now, she was just going to nurture her hope and rebuild.

The days all began to blur into one for her, in the weeks she spent in hospital, building her strength back up. Dustan fractured her skull and gave her arm a minor break, not to mention dehydration and some nasty abrasions. Compounded with her weakened physical state even prior to her kidnapping... well, Shepard was glad to just lie down for a while and let Kaidan take care of her.

Not everyone had the same idea of taking it easy and James Vega was never one to lie idle, even with a bullet hole in his chest.

* * *

Shepard drifts, watching lazy motes of dust in the sunshine. Kaidan's hand is warm and large wrapped around hers, half asleep himself, sprawling in the chair beside her bed. He snores and she smiles sleepily, her hand idly rubbing her small bump.

Ami brought her some fresh fruit earlier, and she'd devoured it, but the sweetness had tingled her tongue and made her tummy flip flop. She can't tell if it's just her stomach playing up or movements. She desperately tries to eat as much as she can though, even when she's exhausted and her arms too tired to even move. Too much weight loss. Too small a baby. She shouldn't be so small, and it's Shepard's fault. They did this too early; it should have waited until next year when she was completely healthy again. But they were foolishly in love, and hopeful that everything would work out, not really believing Shepard would conceive so soon after trying.

She frowns, thinking of the charts the doctors had shown her, the sizes of other healthy pregnant women at her gestation and how inadequate and disgustingly skinny she felt. The Crucible couldn't steal something else from her.

That's when big Jimmy Vega decides to burst into the room and interrupt her worries.

"Lola, my beautiful Lola!"

Shepard jumps a mile and Kaidan is up in seconds, almost falling out of his chair in his haste to draw his gun.

Thankfully, his quick reflexes allow him to recognise James in instants, and James does not become the proud owner of a new bullet wound.

"Jimmy!" she yells. "You scared the shit out of us."

James rubs the back of his neck sheepishly, looking like an overexcited puppy. "Sorry, Lola. The nurses said I could get up and about today, and I was excited to come and see you."

To Shepard, he looks much better, a healthy cast returned to his skin. He's donned his traditional Alliance shirt and pants (delivered by Ash no doubt) and while he looks a little thinner, Shepard thinks he looks almost as good as new.

"You look... _virile_, Jimmy," she says with smirk, happy to tease him again.

Kaidan coughs. "Yeah, James. Not the words I'd use, but it's nice to see you up."

He crosses the room and pulls him into an awkward hug that makes Shepard grin.

James pats him heartily on the back, almost winding him in his enthusiasm. Then he shoves Kaidan aside, and descends on Shepard, eyes dancing with mirth.

She holds her arms out to him, pleased beyond reason to have her brother back, overjoyed he didn't die trying to save her.

He bends down and gathers her into the second tightest hug of her life, surpassed only by Kaidan's brand of worried embraces.

Tears gather in the corner of her eye but she blinks them away. "Jimmy, thank you so much for what you did back at the orchard. You nearly died to protect me."

"Ah, wasn't nothin', Lola," he whispers. "You would have done the same for me."

Shepard takes a deep breath. "I love you, James Vega."

He buries his head further into her neck. "I love you, too."

Shepard opens her eyes to see Kaidan failing to hide an amused smile.

"Shut up, you," she says, drawing back from James' hug, embarrassed. "You smile now, but who'll be smiling when our daughter comes out with a mohawk? That's right. Me."

"'Daughter'?" a voice from the door says suspiciously. "Wait... have you guys been holding out on us? Kaidan, you sneaky sonvabitch."

Ash enters the room, her heels clacking crisply on the shiny hospital tiles.

Kaidan coughs and puffs his chest out as Shepard rolls her eyes at him.

"Yep," he says proudly. "Totally having a girl. It's been a secret."

James makes a strange yelp and throws himself at Kaidan, wrapping him in a bear hug so tight his feet actually leave the ground.

"James," he gasps, trying to free himself from James' excited grip. "You're gonna break me."

Ash lets out a small squeal and throws herself at Shepard, wrapping her in a far gentler hug.

"Oh my god, you guys. You are _so_ in trouble. I didn't even think. I mean, you kept acting all weird and I thought you were just being... weird like you guys are."

She punches Shepard gently on the shoulder. "Hero-lady, why didn't you tell me?!"

Shepard's smile falters a little. "I... I haven't been really healthy. I bled a bit, early on, you know? I just didn't want to get everyone's hopes up and then..." She looks away from Kaidan's solemn face. "It's hard, losing a kid. I didn't want to have to tell everyone and explain if it didn't work out. It was just our thing. I'm sorry to keep it from you. Believe me; I wanted to tell you so many times. I just couldn't bear if..."

There's an awkward, sad pause, and as Shepard watches James' face she knows instantly that Kaidan told him about the one they lost.

She meets Kaidan's eyes and nods. _It's OK. _

"So, how far gone?" Ash asks excitedly and Shepard is glad to change the subject to happier things.

"Oooh." Kaidan exhales an amused little puff of breath. "Yeah. OK. Don't kill us or anything... but four months... kind of nearly five. Shepard's just small, you know? We didn't think you guys wouldn't notice for so long. We thought it was kind of obvious."

Shepard winces. "Yeah. I think the plan was to actually tell you when I was giving birth. You know... leave it to the last minute. Live life on the edge of unpreparedness. We haven't bought anything yet." She smiles sheepishly. "I think we just got used to hiding it, and honestly, I'm glad we did. Dustan... he-"

She breaks off, unable to finish. Kaidan does it for her.

"He tired to murder our daughter because he thought Shepard was his, and she was a problem to be solved. I'm not sorry we've kept it from the press. There are a lot of crazies out there," he growls, his face dark. "I don't know what he would have done if he had known before he kidnapped her. Maybe the first bullet in the apartment wouldn't have hit her shoulder."

Shepard shifts uncomfortably, reminded of the needle scrapping along her skin, and what the crime scene investigators had told Kaidan about the Reaper serum in the syringe.

More than enough to kill their hope.

James seems struck dumb, his mouth gaping. "What?! That long? _Dios_, man!" He turns and grabs Kaidan again, shaking him. "I thought we were bros. I could have bought you a cigar. In fact, hang on." He rustles around in his pockets and produces a very battered cigar, immediately lighting it. He shoves it at Kaidan. "Here: smoke quickly before the nurses catch you."

Kaidan fumbles with it. "James," he hisses. "You can't smoke in a hospital!"

Shepard laughs. "Aw, come on, Kaidan. Do it really quickly and don't be such a stick in a mud."

"Shepard, I can't smoke around the baby!"

"They don't cause cancer anymore, you know."

He stubbornly stubs out the cigar. "It's the principle of the thing."

She laughs fondly and draws him down to sit on the side of her bed, letting him kiss her forehead gently. "You and your principles."

James takes the cigar with an air of offense. "Fine, man. But you and I are going out later to get wasted and welcome you to impending fatherhood." He gestures fiercely at him with the cigar, as if promising to make him pay for some obscene slight to the bro-code. "You need to have one last gasp at being irresponsible."

Kaidan just raises his eyebrows. "If you drunk-dial Ash again, I'm not covering for you."

"James," Ash snaps. "You're not going out to get wasted. You were just shot!"

James scoffs. "Doesn't stop me from having a good time."

Shepard has to fight to suppress her giggles when Ash narrows her eyes and gives him a _look._

"I mean, yes, ma'am. I won't be drinking, ma'am."

"That's better," she says, smiling as she moves to give him a gentle kiss on his lips. "You can drink after you're not missing half your blood supply."

Behind their back, Kaidan makes a whipping gesture at Shepard and this time she does explode into laughter, burying her head in his chest to smother her inelegant snorts.

James frowns. "What's so funny?"

"Nothin'."

* * *

Shepard thinks later that there is one good thing about almost being murdered.

Joker comes to see her a few days later, tentative and shy.

Kaidan immediately gets up, kisses her and promises he's just down the hall, then leaves the room and shuts the door quietly, giving Joker a warning look.

"I left my hat," Joker blurts. "You were asleep when I came last time."

Shepard takes the hat from the nightstand and fiddles with it. "Thanks. I kept it safe for you."

He shuffles on his feet awkwardly, grimacing. "Yeah. So, uh... I heard you were knocked up. Congrats."

Shepard smiles a little at his 'delicate' phrasing. "Yeah. Almost had a shotgun wedding. I'm not totally sure, but the honeymoon was pretty productive. Kaidan's an animal," she says slyly.

"Ew."

"Well, I'm not a cow, Joker." She scoffs. "'Knocked-up.' Real nice."

He smiles like a guilty schoolboy. "OK, maybe that wasn't the nicest way to phrase it. I'm a guy."

"Kaidan manages not to phrase it like I'm a baby incubator."

"Geez, OK. I'm sorry. How about... I'm really happy for you and I'm sure the kid will have the best life with you as their mom?"

She pauses, taken aback by his heartfelt declaration. "Wow... ah, that's much better."

"It's true. You're already the _Normandy_ Team Mom."

"I was just joking. I don't care if you call it 'knocked up'."

"I know. I'm not for once. You will be the best mom."

Silence rings heavy in the room, filled with words unsaid, secrets years long. She never told him about the oak tree in Canada, and she never will.

"I'm sorry about EDI."

"Don't. It's done." He swallows. "You did the right thing. You deserve to be alive and be happy. EDI would have been happier than anyone to hear about the kid."

Tears prick Shepard's eyes. "Yeah. She would."

Joker pads forward, toying with the end of one of her blankets, his eyes bright. "She probably would have kept tabs on you at every second. Measured you and nagged if you weren't eating right."

"Like a metal version of Kaidan, then," she says, a lame attempt at humor.

"Yeah. A much better looking version." He wets his lips with his tongue, stalling to search for words. "I'm... I've been angry. I've been a dick."

"I know. Me too."

"Really angry," he says again, sinking into Kaidan's vacated chair beside her bed. "I hurt a lot. I wanted to make others hurt like me, and in the process I hurt you the worst. You didn't deserve that. You... you fought that war so bravely, and we came so close to losing, and I should never have judged you for what you did."

He reaches out and takes her free hand. Shepard lets him, basks in the warmth and feel of knobbly knuckles.

"... I'm not so sure," she says quietly. "You have to live with your choices and I made the choice."

"You chose to free us. I'm so sorry, Shepard."

She starts crying softly, tears of release and longed for final forgiveness rolling down her cheeks. "EDI would have risked non-functionality for you. She loved you very much."

"So did I. She died free."

"And happy with you."

Tears drip down his nose and splash onto her hand.

A soft kick flutters against her skin, and Shepard knows then what she'll name her daughter.

* * *

**Rain God's Garden, 6 months later.**

* * *

Nurexius sighs as he cleans some glasses, lamenting the slow business day down on the strip. He's barely had a customer at all. Not even any thirsty krogan.

Damn humans. All their fault. That big Alliance marine hulking in the corner with the dark-haired woman is driving away all his good, respectable turian customers. Stupid, big, fat marine and his loud mouth.

The door to his bar bursts open and he turns to scowl at whoever decided to be so loud and rude. More humans, no doubt. No manners on any of them.

A small, harried woman stumbles in, a large blue bag with yellow ducks slung over her shoulders. She wears a pretty dress and a neat denim jacket, with white sneakers on her feet.

"Kaidan, for fu-"

"Shepard!" the man who's following behind her cuts in, gesturing to the baby held in a sling against his chest. A tuft of dark curly hair just pokes out the top. "The swear jar already has five hundred creds in it. Do you really want to go bankrupt?"

She smiles sweetly, pausing to kiss his lips and run a fond hand over the squishy human baby's hair. "You wouldn't let me go bankrupt, now would you?" she asks, voice all deadly honey and sickly sugar. "Mother of your child? Light of your life?"

"Totally would," he sing-songs back.

"You just wait until the rugrat is down for a nap. Your poor ears will bleed."

He smirks and Nurexius gets a good look at their faces as they make their way further into the bar and come into the light.

His heart does a little flip-flop. It's _that _Shepard and that man she's always traipsing around with. She's his favorite human, the only one with any redeeming qualities.

Quickly, he straightens the glasses on the bar and begins to prepare her favorite drink, wishing he'd taken more care this morning applying his facepaint.

The one called Kaidan lowers his voice, making it raspy and suggestive. "You gonna talk dirty to me? Mmm, now there's a promise I can live with."

Nurexius frowns. He's the one who always comes in with that big marine and ruins his bar with their presence.

"You know it, soldier boy. You just wait until I have you all to myself."

Nurexius watches, aghast, when Shepard leans over and begins to kiss him deeply, that disgusting melding of mouths that humans do. She keeps her hand on the baby's head, careful not to squish it between them.

"Anyway!" She pulls away after far too long in Nurexius' opinion, and laughs breathlessly. "I told you we should have brought the stroller. What if she gets fussy?"

"Then we'll take Emi back home." He shrugs unconcernedly, adjusting the baby in the sling as they move towards the back of the bar. "It's no big deal, Shepard. She likes sleeping in the sling."

"What if she gets cold?"

"Then we brought extra blankets. She'll be fine, sweetheart. Don't worry."

"Hmm." She spins and places a hand to her mouth, as if mulling something over very seriously. "This feels wrong. Suddenly I'm the worry wart and you're the free spirit. Quick!" She laughs and steals Nurexius' breath away with how such an ugly creature can look so pretty. "Do something boring and responsible so I don't feel like such an old mom."

"You're not old," Kaidan responds gently. "And you aren't boring."

"Yeah, Lola!" the big marine calls. "You aren't boring. You and me last night set the world on fire."

"You know it, Jimmy," she calls back, smiling as she spots him up the back. The woman sitting beside 'Jimmy' gets up and practically skips over to Kaidan, hovering around the baby.

"Oh, please, Kaidan, can I hold her? She's so sweet!" she asks breathlessly excited. "Can I? I'll be really gentle. Sarah's been giving me some lessons."

Kaidan glances at Shepard and then nods. "Sure, Ash. We'll have a seat. She needs fed and then you can hold her while Shepard and I have some lunch."

"Oh no, man. Watch out," Jimmy warns. "Remember last time? I had to prise Emi away from her."

Shepard's eyes gleam with a mischievous light. "Well, James. Maybe my baby is just so adorable that no one can resist. It's hard when you're cursed with such good genes that everyone simply adores you."

She giggles and then bends at Kaidan's chest to softly kiss the side of Emi's cheek.

Nurexius frowns, confused. Is his name Jimmy or James? What a stupid human name.

They should all be called Shepard. Now there's a proud, strong name. They all look the same anyway. Why not just simplify things?

The four of them settle into their seats and Nurexius goes over to take their order, proudly flourishing Shepard's margarita at her.

Her face falls. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'll just have water, thanks. I can't..." her face turns a little pink. "... I can't have alcohol. Um, baby. You know."

Nurexius is confused. Why can't she drink?

Ungrateful. The lot of them. He made that especially for her. He coughs grumpily, takes their orders for drinks and food, and then returns with the drinks.

The baby is no longer in Kaidan's arms by that time, but draped across Shepard's chest, half covered with a towel as she pats its back.

Oh.

_Oh._

He finally gets it. Funny human bumps and babies. He vaguely remembers from a briefing back in the First Contact War that human females do weird things to feed their children.

He looks away, embarrassed for not understanding, and beats a hasty retreat.

The food is shortly ready, so he brings it out to them. The big marine named Jimmy practically inhales his food, but to Nurexius' shock, Shepard is not a dainty eater, devouring it almost as quickly as him. Somehow he thought she would eat as she looked. With precision, care, delicacy, almost like an asari consort or revered matriarch.

She just looks like a krogan slob.

The 'Ash' woman looks vaguely sick as she watches them, but pauses in her judgement to fuss over the baby's blanket and make silly faces at it.

Why can't humans just do it the turian way, say, 'Good baby,' shortly, and have it over and done with? He thinks they look like blithering idiots.

"James, sometimes I wonder if you love food more than me," Ash says, paused in the middle of her fussing.

"Don't be silly, _cariño_. I love food more than breathing, but not more than you."

Kaidan snorts. "Nice save, Romeo. How do you like that one, Shepard? I love you more than food."

"Hell, I'm sold," she replies. "Are you kidding? Food is the best. You're so romantic, James."

Ash sighs, practically ignoring their banter, only picking at her food, mesmerized by the small human in her arms.

"You guys. How did you make such a pretty little thing?" she coos. "Look at her. She's perfect."

Shepard laughs. "You know, Ash, some days I'm not sure which of us gave birth to her."

"What? A godmother isn't allowed to be a little proud?"

"A little?" Kaidan snorts. "You nearly broke James' arm when Shepard was giving birth. You buy Emi the best baby clothes around. She dresses better than I do!"

Ash smiles guility. "OK, OK. So I like your kid. I have disposable income, and come on; those booties were adorable even if they cost three hundred creds. She's cute. Sue me."

"Oh no," Shepard says, laughing. "We love it. Keep doing it. I didn't think it was possible, but you spoil her almost worse than Kaidan."

"Aw, come on. It's not my fault she's daddy's little girl," Kaidan protests, taking the baby from Ash now he's finished eating. "Eat your lunch, Ash. You guys are babysitting, remember? You can have plenty of time with her later after Shepard and I go out. And Joker will be along when he gets done with some _Normandy_ repairs. Try not to hog Emi so much, OK? Joker's missed her while the _Normandy_'s been deployed."

Regardless of the promise to hold it later, Ash still pouts when Kaidan settles the baby into the cradle of his arms.

Shepard smiles slyly and says, "Feeling clucky there, Chief? Hmm? What about some mini-Jimmies?"

The big marine begins choking as Ash's cheeks turn the color of a sunset.

"Fuck off, Shepard," she says without heat. "You are such a tease. We're not getting married until April, after James' promotion."

Shepard laughs. "I just wanted to see James' face. I'm sorry, I'm not sorry. And you now owe the swear jar fifty creds. Kaidan's rule."

"What?"

"Cough up, Chief. Anyone curses around Emi and they have to pay up. Otherwise she's gonna know how to say 'fuck' in three different languages before she's three. Zaeed alone has put so many creds in the jar we could almost buy her a goddamn pony. But, believe it or not, we're actually trying to stop her turning into a spoiled brat, no matter how hard her aunties and uncles make it. Would you believe Samara tried to send her a shawl that cost _thousands_ of creds? Shit. I had to decline."

"Shepard, you owe the swear jar, too, now."

"Fuck off, Kaidan."

"That's one hundred creds."

She scrunches her nose up as she begins rummaging in her jacket pocket for some creds. "Oh fiddlesticks."

"So where you guys goin'?" James asks through a mouthful of steak. "You guys haven't been out without her before."

Kaidan strokes the baby's hair softly, and then looks up, smiling. "They got rid of our secret place last week. Reconstruction finally finished and the scaffolding is gone."

"So," Shepard continues. "We're going to find a new secret place. Just us two. Somewhere we can take Emi. We don't know what we'll find, but there's always hope for a brighter future. Something better. My friends taught me that."

"Just don't find any sushi places."

"Screw you, Vega."

"That's one-hundred and fifty creds, sweetheart."

"That's it. That wasn't even a curse. We're getting a divorce and I'm taking Emi and marrying Garrus."

"You'd miss me."

From this angle, Nurexius has a good view of the kid. She doesn't look like much to him. Just a horribly small and soft looking thing with a shock of black hair, a small nose, and pouty rosebud lips. She yawns sleepily, milk still at the corners of her mouth. Her eyes flutter open and he gets a glimpse of muddy brown before her eyelids droop again, settling back into sleep.

What a weird little thing, he thinks. But Shepard seems happy enough as she beams at her mate, her hands twined with his under the table.

Nurexius rolls his eyes. Do they think no one can see them?

Bah. Young love. It makes fools of men and soldiers.

Grumpily, he grabs a glass and spits in it, beginning to clean again.

"We did good, huh?" he can just hear her ask Kaidan softly.

"We did the best, Shepard."


End file.
